Published on 12, July, 2020
Have just joined this community - have been with my husband for 11 years. He's not formally diagnosed, but my own GP has suggested that he is on the spectrum, after I visited her because my husband said that I had mental health issues!
It seems that what I took to be difficult, abusive and controlling behaviour, was actually the outworking of him being on the spectrum.
I've read an awful lot about this recently, and can't believe I didn't see it before.At the moment, I haven't mentioned anything to him, as I need time to get to grips with it myself.I plan to broach the subject, when the time is right.The things I struggle with, are hidden away in our life at home, and no-one outside would ever guess that anything was wrong. Not even our family know, other than my daughter (from another marriage).Main problems are: repetition of domestic routines that make me want to scream! Having to run absolutely everything past him, in terms of timings of arrangements etc., with no wriggle room once agreed, or all hell will break loose! He does not sleep well, comes to bed much later than me, then only stays for around an hour, before going to sleep on the couch - he never comes back to bed in the morning in time to spend any time together, but just gets up, so no intimacy whatsoever - been like this for about 9 years......!
Constant preoccupation with hobbies - at the expense of time spent together, which I really resent.
He's unable to support me if am having a difficult time - & always seems annoyed if I am a bit 'down' - putting pressure on me to pretend that I always feel great. I am learning to do things for myself, and to be a bit selfish with my time, to avoid feeling constantly drained.
If I had known all this to begin with , I can honestly say I would not have got into this relationship, but now I'm in it, I feel that I have to act responsibly, and stay.
I worry sometimes, about how far from the 'real me' I have come, and how much I have let go of and given up, which upsets me.
My husband has held very responsible roles in education, and is very well educated, although when I look back over his life, he has struggled to maintain relationships (I'm his 3rd wife), and has also struggled to stay in work, without some drama unfolding (raising grievances, not being able to adapt, etc.).
I'd be grateful to hear anyone else's views or experiences on this.
Thanks
I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario. He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing. Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.
NCF, pretty damn harsh on limited data.
I'm part of a neurodiverse relationship and I struggle despite a shed load of experience from my family of origin in living with ND family.
Newbie is trying to navigate a difficult situation. She is not demanding change from her husband, she's basically trying to work out what's going on and how to work within this situation.
Implicit in your criticism is the person with ASD has no responsibility to change. I disagree, because he entered a relationship he has responsibility to working issues that may be outside his comfort zone.
Trivial example: my DCD means I struggle with left and right. My SO enjoys dancing. I'm going to a dance class with him, but he knows to expect somewhere between terrible and awful 99% of the time. Thing is, I'm doing it despite my disability and he's keen to do it together. So we both compromised.
Thanks for your support and kind words - it means a lot! Am slowly picking myself up off the floor, so to speak!! Best wishes.
You are welcome. Picking yourself off the floor is one of my expert skills thanks to the DCD - LOL!