Published on 12, July, 2020
Have just joined this community - have been with my husband for 11 years. He's not formally diagnosed, but my own GP has suggested that he is on the spectrum, after I visited her because my husband said that I had mental health issues!
It seems that what I took to be difficult, abusive and controlling behaviour, was actually the outworking of him being on the spectrum.
I've read an awful lot about this recently, and can't believe I didn't see it before.At the moment, I haven't mentioned anything to him, as I need time to get to grips with it myself.I plan to broach the subject, when the time is right.The things I struggle with, are hidden away in our life at home, and no-one outside would ever guess that anything was wrong. Not even our family know, other than my daughter (from another marriage).Main problems are: repetition of domestic routines that make me want to scream! Having to run absolutely everything past him, in terms of timings of arrangements etc., with no wriggle room once agreed, or all hell will break loose! He does not sleep well, comes to bed much later than me, then only stays for around an hour, before going to sleep on the couch - he never comes back to bed in the morning in time to spend any time together, but just gets up, so no intimacy whatsoever - been like this for about 9 years......!
Constant preoccupation with hobbies - at the expense of time spent together, which I really resent.
He's unable to support me if am having a difficult time - & always seems annoyed if I am a bit 'down' - putting pressure on me to pretend that I always feel great. I am learning to do things for myself, and to be a bit selfish with my time, to avoid feeling constantly drained.
If I had known all this to begin with , I can honestly say I would not have got into this relationship, but now I'm in it, I feel that I have to act responsibly, and stay.
I worry sometimes, about how far from the 'real me' I have come, and how much I have let go of and given up, which upsets me.
My husband has held very responsible roles in education, and is very well educated, although when I look back over his life, he has struggled to maintain relationships (I'm his 3rd wife), and has also struggled to stay in work, without some drama unfolding (raising grievances, not being able to adapt, etc.).
I'd be grateful to hear anyone else's views or experiences on this.
Thanks
There are a number of good books on ASD/NT relationships.
Do you think your husband would be willing to even do an unofficial screening? Your best outcome is if he does and he is willing to learn how he can be a better spouse...it doesn't always happen, but it needs thinking about.
It is also important to look after you and that may include accepting that this is not the right relationship for you if you find he is unwilling to try and change things together.
For the record we are half way through my SO getting screening for ASD. He already has an ADHD diagnosis and depression/anxiety. He's been out of work several years but had senior research roles.
My SO knows he needs to do more and is willing to try but he struggles to sustain a level of engagement in the unstructured life of an unemployed person. So we are going to have to get another more creative even if it involves him volunteering rather than in paid employment (paid would be good, it's hard on one income)
I hope I don't sound too pessimistic - but marriage is hard work to start with and a partner who is unwilling to self reflect and change makes it tough
Thanks for this! I will look at the resources which are available, for more information, as well as the informal screening - I did do a test myself online, a while ago, which I answered as if I were my husband - as best as I could! The score came out at 60%, which I suppose speaks for itself!
My husband left his job a couple of years ago, following a string of difficult working relationships there. I have noticed that since he has started as a library volunteer, and joined a sports club, he's a lot calmer - I've always felt that his brain is constantly firing at a high intellectual level. and that if he isn't engrossed in something, he's like the proverbial sports car, flying into a cul de sac!! I hope your SO is able to find some volunteering which is is line with his interests - I think that's the key - rather than doing any 'random' volunteering.
Of course, it also helps to have volunteering on a CV, when job hunting, plus, it can help with references etc..
I hope all goes well with your SO's screening process. Thanks again for your support & advice.
Last 2 days he's got two tutoring clients which is pretty exciting. One gift his neurodiverse brain gives is the ability to help kids who struggle with math the right tools to succeed.
We are also writing a research paper together, which is interesting.
The biggest value of screening where the spouse engages is their own process of learning. My best friend got a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD about 8 years back and his journey has focused on his increasing self awareness.
This friend had features of the highly impulsive ADHD and this lead to suicide attempts twice before diagnosis. Since then he can now see when the thinking is "stinking" and help himself.
That's really good news about the tutoring! If he can help othersin that way, that's really fulfilling too.Thanks for your comments about screening - I'll certainly look at that.