First timer.

"Would this mean I could store conversations , good or bad, replay them and reply to them, whether on my own , in the town , either reply to them in my head or out loud, and they could potentially make my mood change in a flash."---->yes. there is a two pronged process going on here. one is the ptsd. one is the autism. autism hightens the sensory factors, so we get all the information, it takes time for us to process it, so it replays/repeats until we understand it as in 'why'. anything we do not understand we go over and over and over seeking the source/cause. this in turn raises our state of anxiety, and coupled with the sensory discomfort of the environment, this adds another layer of anxiety and stress. when we then retreat or find our 'safe space' in the privacy of our homes, we are then left with all the crap we need to sift through. mood swings then appear to come out of nowhere as our sub-conscious is sifting through and processing and subject to the repeat/replay. on top of this the ptsd is at play as even single words can be triggers. 

a note on ptsd for the autistic: think of memory like a vinyl record. the trigger is like someone knocking the record player, it makes the needle jump to a place on the record and start replaying that scene. we can either be consciously aware of the reply or merely subject to its effects as it generates in the sub-conscious. over the years, repeat play creates a degradation of the memory, so all we are left with is its emotional effects which we then feel utterly subordinate to and trapped 'in a rut', so to speak. often, as traumatic events occur, in order to protect ourselves, the brain does not create the access concious memory, but it does store the event. the brain unfortunately is clever, and the event can only be accessed (played/replayed) by activating key words or smells or environmental stimulae. 

also, and this is my personal theory: i think ptsd and the memories stored of trauma, including the effects be they mood, emtional or even in the long term somatic or physiological, are closely linked with that area of the brain that manages dreams. in the dream state, we clear crap from our minds, it's like a file dump on a computer. ptsd and the effects of adrenaline and cortisol, mean that our memory storing process by-passes the standard channels and just dumps everything in the 'bin'. unfortunately this has an overloading effect and clogs the bin. we are therefore not able to clear out what we need and we have effectively forgotton, in a conscious sense, where the rubbish is. we are subject to the event, the trauma, but we save dealing with it until we are in our safe space. unfortunately, being autistic, and the demands placed upon us means we need more time to understand, process and thereby clear any trauma event. any event, even someone saying something to us we don't understand or are unsure of in the moment, will, to coin a phrase 'play on our minds'.. 

how to clear: this is an ongoing process. until one understands the 'why' one will not be able or be in a position to clear the ptsd trigger/event/emotional and somatic effects. anything which replays is a clue and needs careful and calm examination and observance. the replay will keep replaying until it is understood, but it is not something to be afraid of, it is the autistic mind's clever way of getting the matter sorted and bringing it up and out into the open. 

on voices: voices of people and events will replay in almost absolute clarity for two reasons: the autistic mind and its unique abilities to register and store and replay information, and then the ptsd and its effects. one this is understood, it takes the fear out of what is happening and one no longer feels that one is merely subject to, or subjected to, things outside of our control that feel invasive and torturous. yes, it remains really unpleasant, sometimes very distressing to yet again have a random ptsd event for what appears to be no particular reason.

a word on expectation and voices: often voice replay occurs because we have been conditioned to expect what is said. this can be abusive in nature, critical, derrogatory, harrassing, invasive, personal. all of which are abusive in nature. internalisation is part of the autistic nature, we internalise everything because we have no filters to block out sensory events from our environment etc. in a hightened state of anxiety and stress, this blocking out becomes even more difficult and the result is like a flood. we then get overwhelmed and we richocette through a cycle of mood swings which seem, on the surface, to be completely random. 

once one begins to understand what is happening, and realise its nothing to be afraid of, one can then start to identify and put in place strategies which can start to clear the ptsd and their triggers. fundamentally, 'why' is the most important resolution. without resolution, without understanding why, then moving forward can be very difficult.

"I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born."<---there is a why lurking in here. until it is understood, by you, it doesn't matter about anyone else understanding it, but until you do, you will, i suspect, struggle to come to terms with other ptsd issues. who told you you were not a nice person? are you going off the information you have sub-conscious processed and internalised? my suspicions lay here, with the internalisation. what terrible thing happens when you are happy? guilt is an external imposition upon a person by another person, it is a punishment - who gave you that? these questions i pose are not intended as demands for information but merely as reflective tools, like a mirror. you do not have to tell me. i don't need to know.

 if our reflections are distorted then the image of ourselves is untrue.

"Would this mean I could store conversations , good or bad, replay them and reply to them, whether on my own , in the town , either reply to them in my head or out loud, and they could potentially make my mood change in a flash."---->yes. there is a two pronged process going on here. one is the ptsd. one is the autism. autism hightens the sensory factors, so we get all the information, it takes time for us to process it, so it replays/repeats until we understand it as in 'why'. anything we do not understand we go over and over and over seeking the source/cause. this in turn raises our state of anxiety, and coupled with the sensory discomfort of the environment, this adds another layer of anxiety and stress. when we then retreat or find our 'safe space' in the privacy of our homes, we are then left with all the crap we need to sift through. mood swings then appear to come out of nowhere as our sub-conscious is sifting through and processing and subject to the repeat/replay. on top of this the ptsd is at play as even single words can be triggers. 

a note on ptsd for the autistic: think of memory like a vinyl record. the trigger is like someone knocking the record player, it makes the needle jump to a place on the record and start replaying that scene. we can either be consciously aware of the reply or merely subject to its effects as it generates in the sub-conscious. over the years, repeat play creates a degradation of the memory, so all we are left with is its emotional effects which we then feel utterly subordinate to and trapped 'in a rut', so to speak. often, as traumatic events occur, in order to protect ourselves, the brain does not create the access concious memory, but it does store the event. the brain unfortunately is clever, and the event can only be accessed (played/replayed) by activating key words or smells or environmental stimulae. 

also, and this is my personal theory: i think ptsd and the memories stored of trauma, including the effects be they mood, emtional or even in the long term somatic or physiological, are closely linked with that area of the brain that manages dreams. in the dream state, we clear crap from our minds, it's like a file dump on a computer. ptsd and the effects of adrenaline and cortisol, mean that our memory storing process by-passes the standard channels and just dumps everything in the 'bin'. unfortunately this has an overloading effect and clogs the bin. we are therefore not able to clear out what we need and we have effectively forgotton, in a conscious sense, where the rubbish is. we are subject to the event, the trauma, but we save dealing with it until we are in our safe space. unfortunately, being autistic, and the demands placed upon us means we need more time to understand, process and thereby clear any trauma event. any event, even someone saying something to us we don't understand or are unsure of in the moment, will, to coin a phrase 'play on our minds'.. 

how to clear: this is an ongoing process. until one understands the 'why' one will not be able or be in a position to clear the ptsd trigger/event/emotional and somatic effects. anything which replays is a clue and needs careful and calm examination and observance. the replay will keep replaying until it is understood, but it is not something to be afraid of, it is the autistic mind's clever way of getting the matter sorted and bringing it up and out into the open. 

on voices: voices of people and events will replay in almost absolute clarity for two reasons: the autistic mind and its unique abilities to register and store and replay information, and then the ptsd and its effects. one this is understood, it takes the fear out of what is happening and one no longer feels that one is merely subject to, or subjected to, things outside of our control that feel invasive and torturous. yes, it remains really unpleasant, sometimes very distressing to yet again have a random ptsd event for what appears to be no particular reason.

a word on expectation and voices: often voice replay occurs because we have been conditioned to expect what is said. this can be abusive in nature, critical, derrogatory, harrassing, invasive, personal. all of which are abusive in nature. internalisation is part of the autistic nature, we internalise everything because we have no filters to block out sensory events from our environment etc. in a hightened state of anxiety and stress, this blocking out becomes even more difficult and the result is like a flood. we then get overwhelmed and we richocette through a cycle of mood swings which seem, on the surface, to be completely random. 

once one begins to understand what is happening, and realise its nothing to be afraid of, one can then start to identify and put in place strategies which can start to clear the ptsd and their triggers. fundamentally, 'why' is the most important resolution. without resolution, without understanding why, then moving forward can be very difficult.

"I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born."<---there is a why lurking in here. until it is understood, by you, it doesn't matter about anyone else understanding it, but until you do, you will, i suspect, struggle to come to terms with other ptsd issues. who told you you were not a nice person? are you going off the information you have sub-conscious processed and internalised? my suspicions lay here, with the internalisation. what terrible thing happens when you are happy? guilt is an external imposition upon a person by another person, it is a punishment - who gave you that? these questions i pose are not intended as demands for information but merely as reflective tools, like a mirror. you do not have to tell me. i don't need to know.

 if our reflections are distorted then the image of ourselves is untrue.