First timer.

I am a 34 year old male with Asperger's syndrome. I've been "officially" diagnosed since I was 19 years old. The "professionals" now think I may have borderline personality disorder. Other than my parents, I have very little to no social interaction. General "life" frightens me. I don't seem to fit in. Anyone else feel the same??

  • hi there dexter

    good to hear from you again. sounds like you've had quite a full itinerary of late - fit addicts, eh? sounds... fun, if you're into that kind of thing :/

    hang in there, hope all goes well with the new psych etc. 

  • Had an okay week or so, but feel I'm losing my grip , AGAIN. I am trying out a social group on a Thursday (between 6pm and 8pm).  I have restarted psycology appointments, but will be getting a new one in a few weeks. I am nervous, bit I also understand why....i also understand that i have done nothing wrong (even though i always think I have). Been away with relatives fir a few days (the last bank holiday weekend). It was good, but struggled to keep up with them as they are keep fit addict's

  • good to hear from you again dexter

    the cafe sitdown and contemplation sounds like you have the right idea/approach; i approve, and mine will be a capuccino, thanks-awfully... 

    meanwhile, back at the ranch... all the best on your endeavours of self-discovery; and remember, time is your friend, follow your mood.

  • .....ive started to prepare a timeline of life events (easiest to remember first). ive also had help from my dad. 

    ive had a pretty tough week this week so havent been inclined to use this forum.  i still feel pretty anxious , nervy , and moods have been even more eratic (if thats possible). feel calmer at present . long days (even though i dont wake up till the late afternoon ), and very long nights .  

    ive not read everything as yet, but have copied the info in to a text document so that i can also read it offline for when im out in a cafe , and im feeling in the right kind of mood .

    speak too you soon !! 

  • Wow, a lot of greats points are coming up here.  Looks like you've got a lot to think about here, Dexter.

    I admit it would be more appropriate to start a separate thread about the possibility of making an ASD support group for adults.  I put a heads up for people to look here for lack of time and to avoid re-writing everything.  I appreciate the responses to this idea.

    I'll start a separate thread to continue the topic.

  • Hi Todd,

    I would be very interested in following such a special thread.

  • i will deal with each statement in turn.

    "No matter how much I ever tell myself I am a good person (rarely i must say,) there's always some one who will say/do/or sometimes must a feeling, I'm worthless again, so with my low opinion of myself, what's the point of telling myself I'm a good person." <----this 'telling myself' strategy is flawed. it will not work/will never work. one does not /tell/ oneself one is a good person. this is the CBT approach. it's flawed. it will not matter however many times one tells oneself, even up to the point of being blue in the face as the saying goes, it will never work. why? because it is false. it is a false premise. it is not dealing with the /cause/. (i will address cause further down in Strategies)

     "It seems tireless and pointless."<---yes, because it is false. it sucks up all the energy one has and is fruitless. because it is false it is a vaneer of fragility, it is a lie, it is a mask, it has no foundation, it is like papering over the cracks. (see Strategies further down for dealing with this)

     "Guilt, not sure about this, maybes being bullied...."<---yes. this is where you begin. the self-esteem and self-worth foundation stones. this is part of the Strategies.

     "Maybe I've listened too many many negatively dull people in life I've become or becoming a negatively dull person."<----yes. you see yourself through others eyes, how they see you, their judgement, their negativity, their misunderstanding, their lies, their fears, their ineptitudes, their shortcomings, their crass behaviour in the face of something they don't understand. (see why bullying happens below)

     "If something's broken (more so in the past, people would blame me for whatever reason this is, even if I wasn't at fault."<---this is key. another foundation stone here. blame. blame and guilt are connected and go hand in hand. invariably, the blame is unwarranted (remember what i said about remorse being true and guilt being false?) blame is about punishing and punishment. it undermines the self-worth and self-esteem because there is no defence against blame except to say "No, not me. That's not fair.". if others do not see the value of another person, if others do not value another person, this does not mean that the person has no self-worth or self-esteem. other peoples judgement is invariably FALSE, erroneous, untrue, and unfair. others blame because it is easy, and easier, rather than understand what is the true cause of an issue eg, a broken plate, an accident etc etc. blame is a passive aggressive defence mechanism perpetrated by others and directed by individuals towards those around them to deflect accusation or any possible accusation of fault from themselves. it is a primitive behaviour, unsophisticated and indicative of a lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and also courage and even temper. it is, in effect, infantile. it is also irresponsible - take note, the responsible person owns up to the fault and expresses remorse, the irresponsible person blames and projects guilt onto others in order to rejuvenate their own self-esteem and self-worth, they take from others what they lack in themselves - see bullying.

     "I'm definitely a week person, I give in too easily, I don't or very rarely try new things, it probably builds up and up and then boom."<--- there is no such thing as an entirely weak person or an entirely strong person. everyone has weaknesses and strengths in equal measure. a re-evaluation of your 'set' of information regarding what defines a weak or strong person requires seriously reflection here - who gave you the list of attributes you keep as a benchmark of how you judge weak or strong? i don't need to know, but pose this question as a reflective tool. as for "boom", yes, you are on the right track about the building up, in that unresolved issues build up and compound creating negative patterns of behaviour that repeat over and over.

     "If I could get to the stage where my "nasty thoughts" were few and better controlled i'd be happier..."<---yes, you are absolutely correct, and it is doable, but takes time. and eventually control is not required, because there will be no nasty thoughts, they will become resolved issues that you eventually understand. (see Strategies).

     "...it's putting the theory into practise that is, what seem impossible for me to event get to."<---yes, it is about theory into practise, you are absolutely correct. it is doable, and takes time but is achieveable (see Strategies)

      

    So now onto Strategies:

     i will outline an overview of strategies i have followed/devised based on experience/research/testing/observation/trial and error.

     i would recommend the following awareness when it comes to Strategies:

     do only what you want to do, when you are ready, do not feel you have to, nor impose any regime upon yourself as in "have to do this today" or "should do this" or "must do this". rather, take the approach of: when you want to, when you feel ready you can. anything forced or enforced will not work.

     observe.

     time is your friend

     there is no wrong or right way to do anything

     find your own path through, discard what you don't need or don't think works - but give all things time as things happen in their own time

     

     the strategies themselves:

     deconstruction and deconstructing the false self-image: this is closely related to the ptsd elements so i will deal with these in conjuction.

     a) the jenga game - think of ptsd as a jenga game. a stack of bricks. each trauma event in one's life (or other significant event contributing towards the negative self image) is a brick in the stack. the most efficient way of deconstructing would be to remove the foundation bricks, but in order to do so, the event each brick relates to must be remembered first. this can prove to be difficult, as often events cannot be easily recalled. therefore, start with the easiest, eventually, the tower will crumble. but note: removing a brick does not only involve remembering the event, or knowing the event, but also understanding how it fits together with all the other bricks, both under it, and on top. as you can imagine, this can be tricky.

     b) the tree - you have no doubt heard of the tree of life. if one thinks of a person being like a tree, they will have many branches. dependent upon how the tree has been cultivated, what negative or positive factors it has experienced, will have an effect on how it grows. if the tree has been nurtured, it will be happy and healthy in its 'treeness'. conversely, if it has been hacked, badly pruned, starved of nutrients and sunlight, it will be suffering. of a tree, there are many branches. some branches unbalance the tree, one branch, will be ptsd. this will need pruning away, gently and with careful observation and understanding so as not to injure or adversely effect other healthy branches. equally, every event the tree has experienced will be evidenced in the rings of its growth, and in order to identify all, we would have to cut down the tree, but we don't want to destroy it, we want to give it the best chance, so we look to the branches, the leaves, and the roots. the roots are the most important (the unconscious) but we don't want to disturb them unnecessarily, much like the trunk of the tree (the sub-conscious) so we look to the evidence outside (the conscious) the branches and the leaves. if necessary, we can transplant the tree to fresh ground (lifestyle changes, changes in exercise, diet, better home/living conditions eg. cleaner home, etc. event moving away from 'contaminated' environments/people or adverse conditions eg. change of job). ultimately, all trees are trees, regardless of what fruit they bear or the shape of their leaves.

     c) the lifeline - like rings on a tree, we all have a life line. from the day we are born to the day we die. by writing down our life line, and marking any significant events in that year, much like marking out the rings on a tree, we can identify i) significant or possible trauma events ii) the order of the stacks of bricks in the jenga-game. each event can then be re-examined in its context with both /then/ and /now/. repeated reactions or behaviours can be identified. but also what is most important is /WHY/ these events occurred. understanding why is of the most importance. without why, there can be no resolution, no pruning away of bad branches, no removal of bricks. understand why has the effect of removing a brick from the stack. so it is best to start with the most accessible, but not necessarily the bricks at the top. start with the most /significant/ event, and examine it in detail, and find the why. all events will be linked, like branches on the tree they will stem off the trunk. understanding /why/ an event occurred is key.

      

    Notes: the following are notes and general observations on some items/issues you have raised.

     bullies and bullying - bullying is in and of its nature and self-esteem and empowerment issue. those lacking self-esteem bully; they take, or reduce others around them to subservience in order to elevate themselves as they are not equipped to compete in any other way. competition, or perceived competitive behaviour generates bullying. everything is reduced to the lowest common denominator. power is not empowerment. there are two words in French both with the same translation but meaning different things: pouvoir and puissance. one is power, derived from false empowerment, and external factors, one is empowerment derived from an intrinsic and latent factor. it can be argued therefore that bullies exercise pouvoir; by obtaining that which they need from others around them and the associated persons supporting them. those who are bullied possess puissance; that which others perceive as being challenging, different, a threat, envied, misunderstood, true power, self-esteem, self-worth, potential, kindness, gentleness, humour... the list goes on... invariably a bully will have a support system, as it cannot exist on its own or stand apart because it is too afraid, it attacks that which it hates in itself and perceives as its own weakness; its own misunderstanding, fear, or self-hatred is projected outwards onto its environment and those around it, and it requires constant reassurance and validation by others around it in order to maintain and derive its worth. it values nothing because it cannot bring itself to be what it perceives as weak or displaying weakness which is: INDIVIDUALITY and SELF-DEFINITION.

     abuse (verbal, psychological, emotional, physical) - this is the next level of bullying. this is what occurs either in tandem or subsequent to bullying or sustained bullying. the bully becomes an abuser OR if the bullied person is no longer in geographical contact with the bully, the bully and their effects become internalised. the bullied then becomes its own abuser/bully and experiences negative reinforcements eg. voices, etc. anger, and irrational moods are the result of the psyche attempting to battle the /irrational/ bully. often any intrusive voices the bullied experiences will be in the voice of the abuser/bully because anything which is said is: EXPECTED. the bullied person is in a state of /conditioning/ to expect: guilt, punishment, pain. also the voices can evolve into what is known as the SUPEREGO, or become a distortion of the superego, that voice which constantly overshadows, undermines, overrules or otherwise is an unrelenting abusive dialogue that intrudes, oppresses, demoralises and re-enforces negative perceptions of self, takes away self-worth when any attempt is made to effect things eg. telling oneself one is a good person etc. ... the result of the distorted self-image is the superego subordinating the true and truthful ego of the bullied person. only resolution of ptsd events can eradicate the abusive superego. only removing oneself from the abusive person's influence can solve the abuse cycle.

     grief: all ptsd events, tree, jenga-game, and lifeline strategies, if undertaken, will result in grief and experiences of grief at some stage. resolution of /why/ events occurred brings with it understanding, insight and ultimately grief. grief is a healthy natural process. only by letting go, can resolution be achieved. loss, and the effects of loss, create anger on behalf of the self and the injustices one has been subject to. the realisation that much of what has been experienced is not one's fault brings grief and grieving for self is a healthy and natural process. it is ultimately one of healing, as where previously one has lived a life of oppression, suppression and subordination to false ideas and identity, one begins to live a life of expansion. grief is painful, and at times has physical side-effects such as chronic fatigue, weeping, breathing difficulties (upper chest panic attack similarities), loss of appetite etc. 

    breaking down the jenga-game, pruning off the branch, setting the timeline straight will ultimately mean the death of the old self in some way, therefore grief and grieving for the loss, even of that child self, will logically occur.

      

    i outline all of the above for information purposes only.

    (thank you Deepthought, yet again you are my Bertrand Russell)

     

     

  • No matter how much I ever tell myself I am a "good" person (rarely I must say,) there's always some one who will say/do/or sometimes must a feeling, I'm worthless again, so with my low opinion of myself, what's the point of telling myself I'm a good person. It seems tiring and pointless. Guilt, not sure about this, maybes being bullied in school/college and generally in life, bullied for half mast trousers, bullied for too long trousers, just the right size trousers, for being overweight, for wearing glasses, for not wearing glasses (sometimes I wear contact lenses), maybes I've listened too many many negatively dull people in life I've become or becoming a negativly dull person. If something's broken (more so in the past), people would blame me for whatever reason this is, even if I wasn't at fault. I'm definitely a week person, I give in too easily, I don't or very rarely try new things , it probably builds up and up and then "boom".

    If I could get to the stage where my "nasty thoughts" were few and better controlled id be happier, but it's putting the theory into practise that is , what seems impossible for me to even get to.

  • Ferret said:

    "I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born."<---there is a why lurking in here. until it is understood, by you, it doesn't matter about anyone else understanding it, but until you do, you will, i suspect, struggle to come to terms with other ptsd issues. who told you you were not a nice person? are you going off the information you have sub-conscious processed and internalised? my suspicions lay here, with the internalisation. what terrible thing happens when you are happy? guilt is an external imposition upon a person by another person, it is a punishment - who gave you that? these questions i pose are not intended as demands for information but merely as reflective tools, like a mirror. you do not have to tell me. i don't need to know.

     if our reflections are distorted then the image of ourselves is untrue.

    Very very very much the case.

  • Hi Dexter,

    With the hearing voices thing, watch the NAS film entitled 'I'm autistic and sometimes I get too much information' - which you can access via the Homepage of this website.

  • "Would this mean I could store conversations , good or bad, replay them and reply to them, whether on my own , in the town , either reply to them in my head or out loud, and they could potentially make my mood change in a flash."---->yes. there is a two pronged process going on here. one is the ptsd. one is the autism. autism hightens the sensory factors, so we get all the information, it takes time for us to process it, so it replays/repeats until we understand it as in 'why'. anything we do not understand we go over and over and over seeking the source/cause. this in turn raises our state of anxiety, and coupled with the sensory discomfort of the environment, this adds another layer of anxiety and stress. when we then retreat or find our 'safe space' in the privacy of our homes, we are then left with all the crap we need to sift through. mood swings then appear to come out of nowhere as our sub-conscious is sifting through and processing and subject to the repeat/replay. on top of this the ptsd is at play as even single words can be triggers. 

    a note on ptsd for the autistic: think of memory like a vinyl record. the trigger is like someone knocking the record player, it makes the needle jump to a place on the record and start replaying that scene. we can either be consciously aware of the reply or merely subject to its effects as it generates in the sub-conscious. over the years, repeat play creates a degradation of the memory, so all we are left with is its emotional effects which we then feel utterly subordinate to and trapped 'in a rut', so to speak. often, as traumatic events occur, in order to protect ourselves, the brain does not create the access concious memory, but it does store the event. the brain unfortunately is clever, and the event can only be accessed (played/replayed) by activating key words or smells or environmental stimulae. 

    also, and this is my personal theory: i think ptsd and the memories stored of trauma, including the effects be they mood, emtional or even in the long term somatic or physiological, are closely linked with that area of the brain that manages dreams. in the dream state, we clear crap from our minds, it's like a file dump on a computer. ptsd and the effects of adrenaline and cortisol, mean that our memory storing process by-passes the standard channels and just dumps everything in the 'bin'. unfortunately this has an overloading effect and clogs the bin. we are therefore not able to clear out what we need and we have effectively forgotton, in a conscious sense, where the rubbish is. we are subject to the event, the trauma, but we save dealing with it until we are in our safe space. unfortunately, being autistic, and the demands placed upon us means we need more time to understand, process and thereby clear any trauma event. any event, even someone saying something to us we don't understand or are unsure of in the moment, will, to coin a phrase 'play on our minds'.. 

    how to clear: this is an ongoing process. until one understands the 'why' one will not be able or be in a position to clear the ptsd trigger/event/emotional and somatic effects. anything which replays is a clue and needs careful and calm examination and observance. the replay will keep replaying until it is understood, but it is not something to be afraid of, it is the autistic mind's clever way of getting the matter sorted and bringing it up and out into the open. 

    on voices: voices of people and events will replay in almost absolute clarity for two reasons: the autistic mind and its unique abilities to register and store and replay information, and then the ptsd and its effects. one this is understood, it takes the fear out of what is happening and one no longer feels that one is merely subject to, or subjected to, things outside of our control that feel invasive and torturous. yes, it remains really unpleasant, sometimes very distressing to yet again have a random ptsd event for what appears to be no particular reason.

    a word on expectation and voices: often voice replay occurs because we have been conditioned to expect what is said. this can be abusive in nature, critical, derrogatory, harrassing, invasive, personal. all of which are abusive in nature. internalisation is part of the autistic nature, we internalise everything because we have no filters to block out sensory events from our environment etc. in a hightened state of anxiety and stress, this blocking out becomes even more difficult and the result is like a flood. we then get overwhelmed and we richocette through a cycle of mood swings which seem, on the surface, to be completely random. 

    once one begins to understand what is happening, and realise its nothing to be afraid of, one can then start to identify and put in place strategies which can start to clear the ptsd and their triggers. fundamentally, 'why' is the most important resolution. without resolution, without understanding why, then moving forward can be very difficult.

    "I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born."<---there is a why lurking in here. until it is understood, by you, it doesn't matter about anyone else understanding it, but until you do, you will, i suspect, struggle to come to terms with other ptsd issues. who told you you were not a nice person? are you going off the information you have sub-conscious processed and internalised? my suspicions lay here, with the internalisation. what terrible thing happens when you are happy? guilt is an external imposition upon a person by another person, it is a punishment - who gave you that? these questions i pose are not intended as demands for information but merely as reflective tools, like a mirror. you do not have to tell me. i don't need to know.

     if our reflections are distorted then the image of ourselves is untrue.

  • Thank you for your replies. They have been good to read. I think/feel I have understood more in this part of the forum, than 15 or so years with the "professionals.

    Probably the reason I put male in inverted commas is that I am or do not want to be like the typical male. Maybes that sounds strange. Things I'm interested in:- I like music, comedies' (mostly tv comedies' as my concentration isn't that good), the past few weeks or so I've been taken photographs and videos of nature kind of things (even though animals scare me , it's still more calming than been round humans).


     "I hear voices (I mean actual voices...)"--->a combination of the autistic mind and it's ability to store/reply what it doesn't understand;

    this part is interesting cos I dont think I've been told this by professionals'. Would this mean I could store conversations , good or bad, replay them and reply to them, whether on my own , in the town , either reply to them in my head or out loud, and they could potentially make my mood change in a flash. I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born.

    Thank you.........

  • many apologies for wading into your convo, but as i am a past master at ptsd having suffered its effects, thought i would address your needs as i saw so many similarities. i accept there may be a point of confirmation bias but.... 

    "I like being around people with Aspergers, but I've always feel that there is something that is making me different"----> persistent sense of self doubt

     "I get very paranoid, my mood changes in a flash..."---->highened sense of self/fear of self

     "I hear voices (I mean actual voices...)"--->a combination of the autistic mind and it's ability to store/reply what it doesn't understand; this also PTSD as repeat plays figure greatly; note: the hightened state of anxiety creates cortisol/adrenaline which facilitates memory replays; note: the inability to find resolution also contributes to the replay/voice reply issue

     "I don't seem to be able to trust males"--->possible PTSD based on past breach of trust event possibly from authority figure; also: to view oneself as untrustworthy, unworthy, not worth trusting, different, sense of doubt, low self-esteem, getting things wrong, control issue/trust issue

     "I feel I know what people are thinking of me and not in a good way"--->PTSD also paranoia driven by the need to protect oneself; highened sense of protection/self-protection mechanisms 'always looking out for the danger' because in the past wasn't able to/was taken advantage of because trusting; trust breach

     "I feel I am not a nice person and I don't deserve to be happy and not being able to control my bpd (if that's what it is) gives me reason to believe I shouldn't be happy."----> self-punishment loop; lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem; either caused by past traumatic emotional event breach of trust, undermining, failure, personal failure, negative feedback; PTSD is very likely and also unresolved issues of grief surrounding that event and also unreasonable guilt attachment

     

    Note on guilt: guilt is not an emotion, it is a state of mind. unlike remorse, which occurs in the moment (sorry, i broke this, i'm so sorry), guilt is different in that it is imposed upon the person by outside sources eg. criticsm by others which is unwarranted, illogical, irrational and unnecessary. remorse is genuine. guilt is disingenuous and invariably unfair judgement of the person by another. guilt is punishment for a crime not committed, be that moral, ethical or personal; personal being such as just being oneself.

     

    "I feel like I am trapped inside my body/brain and can't get out"--->PTSD; the manifestation of a repeating cycle of trauma, even the event is no longer remembered, will give rise to a feeling of being trapped

                     

    Note: physical manifestations of PTSD are: rapid and random mood swings; breathlessnes or the sense of breathlessness even though the lungs are clear; insomnia; cycling sleep patterns reaching the "letting go" point usually at about 4am in the morning; sleep then occurs in 4hour patterns or 'medieval sleep' 3/3 4/4 4/5. the light spectrum is more favourable for those with insomnia in the pm hours as the light spectrum lengthens. other physical manifestations or physiological symptoms of PTSD are: shaking, heavy body/legs, lack of energy even though having eaten; the need to eat to relieve anxiety; weight gain particularly around the middle; general malaise; 'phantom flu'; brain fog or episodes of anger and outburst accompanied by self-talking, pacing, loss of 'in the moment' presence.

     

    i still battle daily with ptsd and its long term effects, physical as well as mental, (i think 'O' has made some excellent comments thus far and hits the nail on the head several times, i think they have the say on this) 

    i have made significant progress, but it has been extremely hard and distressing to 'face the mind killer' as i call it. i do not use medication, though have in the past but to no effect for either chronic anxiety or anxiety and panic disorders which i have suffered for significant number of years. my opinion is that papering over the cracks does nothing to address the crack, but to solve the crack one must identify that it is caused by subsidence in the building structure itself and address that, rather than take merely a cosmetic view. 

    i use myself as a guinea pig (and /trust/ my autistic mind will be able to work out and find the solution given the right information) and work daily towards achieving a deeper understanding of the causes of my ptsd. thus far i am doing well, as in really well, though it is early days yet imo. 

    please take all of the comments above as open opinion. everyone is different and i do not think a one size fits all approach ever works, but hope only to give you some extra 'data'. 

  • It sounds like the "professionals" have been through the whole alphabet soup of co-morbidities with you...  If you are bullied, it's not surprising that you feel anxious and unworthy - and if that bullying is always from a similar source then you'll naturally associate it with a particular type or group of people.  When I first realised I was gay (in an era with more widespread homophobia than today) I felt that all or most heterosexuals - especially men - were hostile to me and I avoided them as much as possible.  But the problem with that way of thinking is that it removes the possibility for positive as well as negative experiences with the feared or disliked group.  The same is true on a broader level if one avoids socialising with everyone.  The greatest risk can be no risk.

    Do you compare yourself unfavourably with other men? (I'm curious that you put "male" in inverted commas when describing yourself.)  I used to do that when I was younger, partly because I'm quite short, but I seem to have gained self-confidence and self-worth as I've aged, even though I had to give up work.

    In the last six months, an unexpected responsibility has forced me to engage in a lot of official contact with various authorities and companies, and I've reached the conclusion that many people, even highly-paid professionals, are mediocre or even downright incompetent at their jobs!  Their communication skills in particular tend to be far worse than mine.  While this realisation is in some ways scary and depressing, I've found it's boosted my self-evaluation considerably.  When I was more reclusive, I suffered from the delusion that everyone else was incredibly successful and skilled at what they do...

    Do you have any special interests you could pursue for more social interaction and perhaps learn to trust - or at least evaluate - other people?  If you don't feel ready for face-to-face meetings, perhaps you could cultivate internet friendships?

  • OCD and PTSD have been mentioned. Also, BPD (EUPD) has been mentioned.

    I got an appointment with the phycastrist next week.

    Generalised Anxiety Disorder has, which is why they put me on pregablin. I'm also on promethazine and loprathemine. (apologies for spelling).

    Maybes a daft question....i fear males quite a lot. This sounds stupid, being a "male" myself, I don't know why. I know, that they are far more angry, aggressive and like to make fun of people, but could this be a factor in my problems. I've been bullied mostly by males in the past, and in the present to be honest. Of course, I know females can be just as bad, but , especially if the trust is there, and from past experience of help, I have progressed that little bit more. They even got me to trust other members of staff there, in which I did not trust to start with.

    Apologies for the ramblings.

  • To me, most of those symptoms seem to indicate a co-morbidity rather than AS itself.  Bipolarity sounds unlikely if you don't have euphoric moments.  In view of the guilt, sense of entrapment and triggers by certain words, I wonder about OCD or PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Have you been assessed for those?

    Depression (and its stablemate Anxiety) would of course be enough to account for most of those symptoms.  Are you treated for depression/anxiety, either by medication or CBT or other talking therapy?  A new form of CBT for people with autism and depression is currently been developed (I'm participating in the trial).  If you do receive medication, perhaps it would be worth asking for a review, if this hasn't been done recently?

    Maybe someone else can offer a view?

  • I have, most probably, felt like this for a very long time, but as I'm getting older, it seems to be getting more obvious. (getting older frightens me).

    Moods are mostly anger, agitation, anxiety. Happiness is a rarity. Guilt is a big thing for me as well.

    I probably do sleep okay , but at the wrong times, ie : - getting to bed for well after midnight , then restless until sleep eventually happens. Then I end up waking on the after noon , sometimes really late In the afternoon, such as 4pm.

    Done quite a few diaries but, nothing jumps out to them.

    hearing and reading certain words hurt. Ie I can't stand to hear or see them, and even worse when I hear them in my head.

    other than being overweight, no health complaints.

    I self harm, which helps at the time , and for so long afterwards, but yes, this is or could be contributing to the issue.

    not sure how to answer what effects my mood has on my behaviour cos im not sure. (other than I do tend too go nuts.)

    I feel I should never be happy, and that I should fight against being happy, as i am "nothing". When I see people, I feel insignificant, as if I am not important. I feel like I am trapped (or have trapped myself), and am not able to get out, and/or too tired to get out. And then repeat.

  • Hi Dexter

    I wonder if it might help others to comment if you could provide more detail on your problems and perhaps (for now) narrow it down to the issue that currently concerns you most?

    For example: if the main issue is your continuously and rapidly changing moods:

    • Have you always suffered from this?  Or is it possibly a reaction to new (or cumulative) circumstances?  Or perhaps growing exasperation with a long-term situation?
    • What type of moods are primarily involved, e.g. anger, irritability, anxiety, euphoria, depression?
    • Do you feel you get enough sleep?  (I have chronic insomnia, which dramatically affects my mood, and of course forms a vicious circle.)
    • Can you notice any pattern in the mood changes? Have the "professionals" suggested you keep a diary?
    • Does your mood change according to situation, e.g. location, social interaction, work, reading or hearing something?
    • Have food/drink allergies or sensitivities - and medication side-effects - been ruled out?  Also any physical health issues?
    • Could your "coping strategies" be contributing to the problem?  (I only mention this because I use coping strategies that are not recommended and in some ways may exacerbate my problems, but sometimes one has to be pragmatic and choose the lesser of two evils!)
    • What effects do the mood changes have on your behaviour?

    What I'm driving at is whether the mood changes might be primarily due to:

    a) life/work circumstances, allergies or other health issues that could affect anyone

    b) situations that seem likely to be directly related to your Asperger's

    c) co-morbidities with your Asperger's - has, for instance, bipolarity been ruled out?

    Perhaps you've already been through all this with the professionals.  I'm just wondering if more information might enable one of us to help you arrive at an explanation, if not a solution.

    My only "qualification" is that I've lived with Asperger's for 56 years (mostly without knowing it).  Although I have chronic depression, I don't often have mood swings.  If I do, they are usually in reaction (or over-reaction) to a particular situation, and/or lack of sleep.

    I can certainly identify with your other feelings of not fitting in and being frightened by life generally - both of which are probably due to our misalignment with the neurotypical world.

    (Edit: sorry, I only just noticed that the "Anonymous" post, which I hadn't realised was yours, does give more detail on some of your issues, though I think most of my questions are still relevant.)

  • what do I do when I have pretty much exhausted all "coping strategies'" , the professionals are stumped, my mood continously changes (rapidly), which frightens (along with others in the process), and my trusting people is virtually nil (and I don't know if I can trust anymore?????)

    I feel like I am trapped inside my body/brain and can't get out.

    It's knackering me out. Any opinions/thoughts are welcome

    Thank you.

  • ??? 

    who's upset??? i'm not. i'm autistic. nothing you have done or said is wrong imo.

    doing things is how we learn, making mistakes is useful. 

    this is just a discussion, nothing more. opinions are just opinions.