I am a 34 year old male with Asperger's syndrome. I've been "officially" diagnosed since I was 19 years old. The "professionals" now think I may have borderline personality disorder. Other than my parents, I have very little to no social interaction. General "life" frightens me. I don't seem to fit in. Anyone else feel the same??
Had an okay week or so, but feel I'm losing my grip , AGAIN. I am trying out a social group on a Thursday (between 6pm and 8pm). I have restarted psycology appointments, but will be getting a new one in a few weeks. I am nervous, bit I also understand why....i also understand that i have done nothing wrong (even though i always think I have). Been away with relatives fir a few days (the last bank holiday weekend). It was good, but struggled to keep up with them as they are keep fit addict's
.....ive started to prepare a timeline of life events (easiest to remember first). ive also had help from my dad.
ive had a pretty tough week this week so havent been inclined to use this forum. i still feel pretty anxious , nervy , and moods have been even more eratic (if thats possible). feel calmer at present . long days (even though i dont wake up till the late afternoon ), and very long nights .
ive not read everything as yet, but have copied the info in to a text document so that i can also read it offline for when im out in a cafe , and im feeling in the right kind of mood .
speak too you soon !!
Wow, a lot of greats points are coming up here. Looks like you've got a lot to think about here, Dexter.
I admit it would be more appropriate to start a separate thread about the possibility of making an ASD support group for adults. I put a heads up for people to look here for lack of time and to avoid re-writing everything. I appreciate the responses to this idea.
I'll start a separate thread to continue the topic.
No matter how much I ever tell myself I am a "good" person (rarely I must say,) there's always some one who will say/do/or sometimes must a feeling, I'm worthless again, so with my low opinion of myself, what's the point of telling myself I'm a good person. It seems tiring and pointless. Guilt, not sure about this, maybes being bullied in school/college and generally in life, bullied for half mast trousers, bullied for too long trousers, just the right size trousers, for being overweight, for wearing glasses, for not wearing glasses (sometimes I wear contact lenses), maybes I've listened too many many negatively dull people in life I've become or becoming a negativly dull person. If something's broken (more so in the past), people would blame me for whatever reason this is, even if I wasn't at fault. I'm definitely a week person, I give in too easily, I don't or very rarely try new things , it probably builds up and up and then "boom".
If I could get to the stage where my "nasty thoughts" were few and better controlled id be happier, but it's putting the theory into practise that is , what seems impossible for me to even get to.
NAS9920 said:"I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born."<---there is a why lurking in here. until it is understood, by you, it doesn't matter about anyone else understanding it, but until you do, you will, i suspect, struggle to come to terms with other ptsd issues. who told you you were not a nice person? are you going off the information you have sub-conscious processed and internalised? my suspicions lay here, with the internalisation. what terrible thing happens when you are happy? guilt is an external imposition upon a person by another person, it is a punishment - who gave you that? these questions i pose are not intended as demands for information but merely as reflective tools, like a mirror. you do not have to tell me. i don't need to know.
if our reflections are distorted then the image of ourselves is untrue.
Very very very much the case.
Hi Dexter,
With the hearing voices thing, watch the NAS film entitled 'I'm autistic and sometimes I get too much information' - which you can access via the Homepage of this website.
Thank you for your replies. They have been good to read. I think/feel I have understood more in this part of the forum, than 15 or so years with the "professionals.
Probably the reason I put male in inverted commas is that I am or do not want to be like the typical male. Maybes that sounds strange. Things I'm interested in:- I like music, comedies' (mostly tv comedies' as my concentration isn't that good), the past few weeks or so I've been taken photographs and videos of nature kind of things (even though animals scare me , it's still more calming than been round humans).
"I hear voices (I mean actual voices...)"--->a combination of the autistic mind and it's ability to store/reply what it doesn't understand;
this part is interesting cos I dont think I've been told this by professionals'. Would this mean I could store conversations , good or bad, replay them and reply to them, whether on my own , in the town , either reply to them in my head or out loud, and they could potentially make my mood change in a flash. I feel I am not a nice person and shouldn't be or deserve to be happy. I sort of feel guilty for being alive, and often wish I'd never been born.
Thank you.........
It sounds like the "professionals" have been through the whole alphabet soup of co-morbidities with you... If you are bullied, it's not surprising that you feel anxious and unworthy - and if that bullying is always from a similar source then you'll naturally associate it with a particular type or group of people. When I first realised I was gay (in an era with more widespread homophobia than today) I felt that all or most heterosexuals - especially men - were hostile to me and I avoided them as much as possible. But the problem with that way of thinking is that it removes the possibility for positive as well as negative experiences with the feared or disliked group. The same is true on a broader level if one avoids socialising with everyone. The greatest risk can be no risk.
Do you compare yourself unfavourably with other men? (I'm curious that you put "male" in inverted commas when describing yourself.) I used to do that when I was younger, partly because I'm quite short, but I seem to have gained self-confidence and self-worth as I've aged, even though I had to give up work.
In the last six months, an unexpected responsibility has forced me to engage in a lot of official contact with various authorities and companies, and I've reached the conclusion that many people, even highly-paid professionals, are mediocre or even downright incompetent at their jobs! Their communication skills in particular tend to be far worse than mine. While this realisation is in some ways scary and depressing, I've found it's boosted my self-evaluation considerably. When I was more reclusive, I suffered from the delusion that everyone else was incredibly successful and skilled at what they do...
Do you have any special interests you could pursue for more social interaction and perhaps learn to trust - or at least evaluate - other people? If you don't feel ready for face-to-face meetings, perhaps you could cultivate internet friendships?
OCD and PTSD have been mentioned. Also, BPD (EUPD) has been mentioned.
I got an appointment with the phycastrist next week.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder has, which is why they put me on pregablin. I'm also on promethazine and loprathemine. (apologies for spelling).
Maybes a daft question....i fear males quite a lot. This sounds stupid, being a "male" myself, I don't know why. I know, that they are far more angry, aggressive and like to make fun of people, but could this be a factor in my problems. I've been bullied mostly by males in the past, and in the present to be honest. Of course, I know females can be just as bad, but , especially if the trust is there, and from past experience of help, I have progressed that little bit more. They even got me to trust other members of staff there, in which I did not trust to start with.
Apologies for the ramblings.
To me, most of those symptoms seem to indicate a co-morbidity rather than AS itself. Bipolarity sounds unlikely if you don't have euphoric moments. In view of the guilt, sense of entrapment and triggers by certain words, I wonder about OCD or PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Have you been assessed for those?
Depression (and its stablemate Anxiety) would of course be enough to account for most of those symptoms. Are you treated for depression/anxiety, either by medication or CBT or other talking therapy? A new form of CBT for people with autism and depression is currently been developed (I'm participating in the trial). If you do receive medication, perhaps it would be worth asking for a review, if this hasn't been done recently?
Maybe someone else can offer a view?
I have, most probably, felt like this for a very long time, but as I'm getting older, it seems to be getting more obvious. (getting older frightens me).
Moods are mostly anger, agitation, anxiety. Happiness is a rarity. Guilt is a big thing for me as well.
I probably do sleep okay , but at the wrong times, ie : - getting to bed for well after midnight , then restless until sleep eventually happens. Then I end up waking on the after noon , sometimes really late In the afternoon, such as 4pm.
Done quite a few diaries but, nothing jumps out to them.
hearing and reading certain words hurt. Ie I can't stand to hear or see them, and even worse when I hear them in my head.
other than being overweight, no health complaints.
I self harm, which helps at the time , and for so long afterwards, but yes, this is or could be contributing to the issue.
not sure how to answer what effects my mood has on my behaviour cos im not sure. (other than I do tend too go nuts.)
I feel I should never be happy, and that I should fight against being happy, as i am "nothing". When I see people, I feel insignificant, as if I am not important. I feel like I am trapped (or have trapped myself), and am not able to get out, and/or too tired to get out. And then repeat.
Hi Dexter
I wonder if it might help others to comment if you could provide more detail on your problems and perhaps (for now) narrow it down to the issue that currently concerns you most?
For example: if the main issue is your continuously and rapidly changing moods:
What I'm driving at is whether the mood changes might be primarily due to:
a) life/work circumstances, allergies or other health issues that could affect anyone
b) situations that seem likely to be directly related to your Asperger's
c) co-morbidities with your Asperger's - has, for instance, bipolarity been ruled out?
Perhaps you've already been through all this with the professionals. I'm just wondering if more information might enable one of us to help you arrive at an explanation, if not a solution.
My only "qualification" is that I've lived with Asperger's for 56 years (mostly without knowing it). Although I have chronic depression, I don't often have mood swings. If I do, they are usually in reaction (or over-reaction) to a particular situation, and/or lack of sleep.
I can certainly identify with your other feelings of not fitting in and being frightened by life generally - both of which are probably due to our misalignment with the neurotypical world.
(Edit: sorry, I only just noticed that the "Anonymous" post, which I hadn't realised was yours, does give more detail on some of your issues, though I think most of my questions are still relevant.)
what do I do when I have pretty much exhausted all "coping strategies'" , the professionals are stumped, my mood continously changes (rapidly), which frightens (along with others in the process), and my trusting people is virtually nil (and I don't know if I can trust anymore?????)
I feel like I am trapped inside my body/brain and can't get out.
It's knackering me out. Any opinions/thoughts are welcome
Thank you.
I apologise if any upset has been caused here.
I have never done anything like this before, and I'm not really sure what I am doing.
Sounds like a good idea! Never heard of that 12-steps thing before but anything aimed at adults would be quite nice. Somehow the local groups seem to do lots of stuff for and about kids but at least here there seems to be absolutely nothing available for adults, as if it suddenly disappeared when you grow up... It doesn't replace being able to meet real people but it may be a start at least.
Thanks!
Dexter said:A support group is a really good idea. It is a good idea to use this forum as a start. I'm not sure myself how to set up a face to face support group , as it would probably need to be done in a "professional way",
The 12-step type of recovery groups are non-professional and have no fees except voluntary contributions to cover costs, like renting the space for meetings and buying coffee, but internet groups don't have these costs. (There are private recovery centers that use the 12-steps and charge a lot for it, but that's not a pure 12-step group).
So, this would need some thought. I don't think the 12-steps fit Aspergers, not without serious modification, because its not any sort of addiction to any substance or any process that we're trying to recover from. It's a condition that, in order to deal with other people in the world who do not have this condition, needs some help.
I think a basic format would include a definition of what it is we are struggling with and a brief list of our common symptoms, hopes for what we are looking to gain through our group support, and some practical tools that we have found to be helpful. And we would need some encouraging literature to use as a guide, to provide us with hope from others who have struggled in the same way, and as a springboard for our own personal shares.
I really appreciate this discussion. Just to let you know, I don't expect to be at the computer much for about a week. So, I'll check in after that.
Dexter said:If something works for you (Asperger's related or not), as a coping strategy, use it, as long as its an appropriate coping strategy.
That is helpful. I guess I'm stuck in black and white thinking; either one thing or another. There's no reason I can't view myself as having Aspergers and ALSO needing help with other problems.
If something works for you (Asperger's related or not), as a coping strategy, use it, as long as its an appropriate coping strategy.
A support group is a really good idea. It is a good idea to use this forum as a start. I'm not sure myself how to set up a face to face support group , as it would probably need to be done in a "professional way", like most things, and also whether the funding is there to do this. Maybes some fundraising stuff could help but I wouldn't know where to start with this.
I've also tried a whole bunch of stuff.
Therapies, spiritual stuff, a few different 12-step groups, and tons of self-help books for general self-help, time-management, and social skills.
Some of these things have made no difference, some have helped a little, and some have made a big difference. But there's this blind spot that doesn't seem to have been effected yet.
I'm looking into help specifically for Asperger's, which is something I've never done before. On one hand it's a different focus, so I hope it is more helpful, but on the other hand I'm a bit worried it will be just another failed attempt.
I know it's helping my wife, at least, because instead of viewing me as being aware of her needs and insensitive to them, she views me more of just being less aware than she thought.
I'm afraid I'm suffering a bit of thinking, "Now THIS is really the problem" Aspergers, that is, and in danger of throwing out things I've learned that really have been helpful just because they're not specifically for Aspergers. It's an identity crisis.
I've read a couple of books about Aspergers and have also seen a couple more that have been highly recommended and seem promising, real nuts-and-bolts solutions. I really wish there was a face-to-face support group -- or at least something over the phone -- for Adults with Aspergers similar to the 12-step groups with an opportunity to share our experience, strength, and hope, and with some basic literature that we can all follow to guide us to a straight-forward, common solution.
Maybe as a humble beginning it could start as a special thread here, but I'm not sure what kind of response it would get.
On the other hand, they say that all you need to start a group is two people working together to find a common solution.
I'm just rambling a bit, but I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this.
