Hi new to all this

Blues said:

I've always struggled in life, just trying to fit in and failing. I am a failure.

Hi Blues,

You're not a failure.

You're not neurotypical, which puts you in a minority (1 in 100 people is reckoned to be autistic), so you're bound to see 'deficits' if you're measuring yourself against all those others.  And society is designed and built around all those others.  It's no surprise, then, that we find ourselves to be a poor fit.  That doesn't mean we're failures, though.  You could look at it in another way and say we've been failed by that society.  I often quote the analogy that I'm like a cat in a room full of dogs.  I don't want to feel excluded, so I try hard to behave like a dog - I run after sticks occassionally, I demand constant attention - but it isn't really in my nature, because I'm a cat.  Meanwhile, all of those dogs are looking at me and not seeing a cat at all.  They're seeing a miserable failure of a dog!  So they exclude me even more.  I should just stick to being a cat.

Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think of myself as a failure in many respects - even though I've achieved things.  Now, I see myself differently.  I have a condition that has possibly limited me in terms of opportunities.  But it's also made me into a person who feels comfortable being outside the run of the usual societal expectations.  As I said, I look around at the things that preoccupy people - fashion, status, the need to 'keep in' by maintaining a common ground - and I'm glad none of it bothers me.

'Success', in my view, very much depends on context. In our society, it's measured by (again, in my view) essentially superficial things such as career attainment, money, possessions, fame, power, influence, etc.  So, are all people who don't achieve these things unsuccessful?  A middle-aged man working as a checkout operator, for instance, might be judged a 'failure' in some eyes - whereas he might be very good at his job.  He might be where he is for any number of reasons.  Perhaps he simply enjoys what he does - meeting people, having a chat and a laugh, being comfortable in work he can excel at.  Perhaps he doesn't have ambitions for anything else (nothing tells us we have to). Perhaps the education system wasn't suitable to any special needs he might have.  He might, too, go home to rewarding pastimes such as painting, writing, model-making, computer games designing, guitar-playing, etc.  He might be very good at these things.

We're all individuals.  We all have things we're good at, qualities we can offer, skills we can use.

In that sense, we can all be 'successful' - even if it's just on our own terms.

Blues said:

I've always struggled in life, just trying to fit in and failing. I am a failure.

Hi Blues,

You're not a failure.

You're not neurotypical, which puts you in a minority (1 in 100 people is reckoned to be autistic), so you're bound to see 'deficits' if you're measuring yourself against all those others.  And society is designed and built around all those others.  It's no surprise, then, that we find ourselves to be a poor fit.  That doesn't mean we're failures, though.  You could look at it in another way and say we've been failed by that society.  I often quote the analogy that I'm like a cat in a room full of dogs.  I don't want to feel excluded, so I try hard to behave like a dog - I run after sticks occassionally, I demand constant attention - but it isn't really in my nature, because I'm a cat.  Meanwhile, all of those dogs are looking at me and not seeing a cat at all.  They're seeing a miserable failure of a dog!  So they exclude me even more.  I should just stick to being a cat.

Before I got my diagnosis, I used to think of myself as a failure in many respects - even though I've achieved things.  Now, I see myself differently.  I have a condition that has possibly limited me in terms of opportunities.  But it's also made me into a person who feels comfortable being outside the run of the usual societal expectations.  As I said, I look around at the things that preoccupy people - fashion, status, the need to 'keep in' by maintaining a common ground - and I'm glad none of it bothers me.

'Success', in my view, very much depends on context. In our society, it's measured by (again, in my view) essentially superficial things such as career attainment, money, possessions, fame, power, influence, etc.  So, are all people who don't achieve these things unsuccessful?  A middle-aged man working as a checkout operator, for instance, might be judged a 'failure' in some eyes - whereas he might be very good at his job.  He might be where he is for any number of reasons.  Perhaps he simply enjoys what he does - meeting people, having a chat and a laugh, being comfortable in work he can excel at.  Perhaps he doesn't have ambitions for anything else (nothing tells us we have to). Perhaps the education system wasn't suitable to any special needs he might have.  He might, too, go home to rewarding pastimes such as painting, writing, model-making, computer games designing, guitar-playing, etc.  He might be very good at these things.

We're all individuals.  We all have things we're good at, qualities we can offer, skills we can use.

In that sense, we can all be 'successful' - even if it's just on our own terms.