Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
Im Chris, 49 year old guy.
So on Tuesday I found myself in conversation with a woman who, later in the conversation, identified herself as an aspie and who said she suspected I was one too.
For some reason, although I had previously vaguley wondered if I was on the spectrum, this encounter hit me like a bolt of lightening and I knew I was on the spectrum. I downloaded a kindle book and mentally checked off all the symptoms I matched.
e.g. face recognition ( yes, since I couldnt tell teachers apart and still cant tell people apart in films by face ), social ackwardness, lack of friends as a kid and a total lack of knowledge of how to make friends, dating at school , no chance, total inability to tell when its my time to talk in a meeting, check check check e.t.c..
A couple of days of really intensive processing and inner turmoil at work, which has now calmed somewhat. Of course nobody could tell this turmoil from my face, sometimes thats a blessing.
Somewhat freaking out about :
1) What parts of me, my quirks, e.g. that my wife loves are really me and which are just symptoms of this. How do I feel about that change in perception ?
2) Its a disability, which you can get support with if formally diagnosed. Im totally not ready to be identify myself as disabled to myself or externally
So interesting days, but thought trains are settling down, will see what future holds, at least I now know some hard limits, things I wont ever crack, like breaking into conversations, only at appropiate points.
Fortunatly I managed to manually train myself socially to some extent, even if I did leave it to my fortys, by organising events for a group of socially anxious people, and going to lots and lots of sometimes random events for some years.
Anyway, hello :)
Hello Chris and welcome
Yeah, there are a lot of us older Aspies who've only recently found we're on the spectrum.
My answers to the points you are freaking out about are:
1. Autism / aspergers is not a disease, it's the way you are made. Some of your personality and behavioural traits will be more on the autistic side of the spectrum than others, but they shouldn't be viewed as "symptoms" - they're part of who you are and who you've always been.
2. Having an autistic brain is not in itself a disability. Some autistic people have ADHD, anxiety disorders, depression, learning difficulties, etc. which may mean they need support with day to day living, but many of us have learned to cope. If you don't need help with day to day living it's unlikely you'll get a formal diagnosis as the medical profession don't see any point in giving a diagnosis for something that doesn't need any treatment or support.
Being able to cope with life most of the time doesn't mean we're not autistic though, and many "hidden autistics" have brought, and still bring, many useful qualities and skills to our society which people with neurotypical minds don't have. It is believed that most programmers and software developers working in " Silicone Valley" are autistic and this is what makes them good at what they do (systematic processing, attention to detail, creative thinking, etc)
You say you have read a book about autism, but you didn't say which one. I would recommend "Am I autistic?" - a guide to autism & aspergers self diagnosis for adults, by Lydia Andal, and to help you understand neurotypicals better: "A field guide to earthlings - an autistic /aspergers view of neurotypical behaviour" by Ian Ford. Both available on Kindle and a sample can be downloaded before you buy.
Hi Chris,
I'm 57 and finally had my official diagnosis last year, about 3 years after my initial referral.... and after MANY years of misery, wondering why on earth I couldn't be like other people and make friends, make eye contact, enjoy social situations, not be awkward and clumsy, not feel anxious much of the time. It was many years, too, of being misdiagnosed with 'depression' or 'anxiety disorder'.
All I can say is... getting that final diagnosis was one of the highlights of my life. Perhaps the highlight. At last... my life made sense to me. I felt an overwhelming sense of validation. I hope this isn't being disrespectful to transgender people, but in my own head I liken it to how it must feel for them to finally be in the correct body at last.
What you say about manually training yourself - yes. Me, too. I think it applies to a lot of us who've been late-diagnosed. Temple Grandin herself has said in one of her books (look her up if you haven't heard of her before) that she's less autistic now than she was 10 years ago, because of how she's learned to adapt, through observation and practice, to situations that NTs just do automatically. People who know me have commented that I seem very warm and friendly. But I've had to learn to be friendly. And I still don't make friends. Nor do I particularly want to. I like people... but I just don't care to be around them for too long. My favourite people, incidentally, are the clients I work with in special needs care. I have a lot of identification with them.
The thing is... it's a spectrum condition. In each of us, the symptoms and traits manifest in different ways. There aren't any hard and fast rules. We're all completely unique!
And that's how I think about it: overwhelmingly positively. I'm actually glad to be who I am. Okay... there's a side of me that wishes I'd been diagnosed as a child. The problems I was having then, at school, would - today - be picked up on. Then, though, I was 'inattentive', 'slow', 'unsociable' etc - even though I was clearly very bright. So, an earlier diagnosis could have saved me a lot of heartache. But there it is. I have it now. I can move forwards with it.
Regarding the two points you make...
1) Why would it change anyone's perception, least of all the woman who loves you? She loves you because of who you are, not any symptoms you exhibit. You're not hiding anything from her. You're not suddenly going to be springing any nasty surprises on her. It isn't going to change the way you are. Have you talked about it with her at all? It's for you to judge if it's a good idea to do so... but I'd strongly encourage it.
2) I don't think of myself as disabled. I think of myself as differently-abled. I'm much better at some things than a lot of people, not so good at other things. And I'm pleased that I have that diagnosis for the very reason you state. I can now get support, if I need it. If I have any problems in the future, I have that behind me. Disability can be looked upon as a social construct in many ways. Society is designed and built to cater largely for 'able' people. Not everyone works that way. Like I said... my feelings about it are overwhelmingly positive. There's a body of scientific opinion, incidentally, that autism is the next step on the human evolutionary scale. Maybe so. Einstein was autistic, so I understand. I'm sure Mozart probably was. Bill Gates has Asperger's. These are people who've changed the world and the way we live our lives. I'm sure none of us would ever think of them as 'disabled'.
Have you taken the Baron-Cohen test? It's the standard test that's used in the early stages of diagnosis. It isn't a diagnosis in itself. But it's an indicator of where you might stand. I scored 39. Generally speaking, a score over 32 is indicative of ASD. It's here, anyway:
aspergerstest.net/.../
Take care,
Tom