Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
Im Chris, 49 year old guy.
So on Tuesday I found myself in conversation with a woman who, later in the conversation, identified herself as an aspie and who said she suspected I was one too.
For some reason, although I had previously vaguley wondered if I was on the spectrum, this encounter hit me like a bolt of lightening and I knew I was on the spectrum. I downloaded a kindle book and mentally checked off all the symptoms I matched.
e.g. face recognition ( yes, since I couldnt tell teachers apart and still cant tell people apart in films by face ), social ackwardness, lack of friends as a kid and a total lack of knowledge of how to make friends, dating at school , no chance, total inability to tell when its my time to talk in a meeting, check check check e.t.c..
A couple of days of really intensive processing and inner turmoil at work, which has now calmed somewhat. Of course nobody could tell this turmoil from my face, sometimes thats a blessing.
Somewhat freaking out about :
1) What parts of me, my quirks, e.g. that my wife loves are really me and which are just symptoms of this. How do I feel about that change in perception ?
2) Its a disability, which you can get support with if formally diagnosed. Im totally not ready to be identify myself as disabled to myself or externally
So interesting days, but thought trains are settling down, will see what future holds, at least I now know some hard limits, things I wont ever crack, like breaking into conversations, only at appropiate points.
Fortunatly I managed to manually train myself socially to some extent, even if I did leave it to my fortys, by organising events for a group of socially anxious people, and going to lots and lots of sometimes random events for some years.
Anyway, hello :)
Hello Chris and welcome
Yeah, there are a lot of us older Aspies who've only recently found we're on the spectrum.
My answers to the points you are freaking out about are:
1. Autism / aspergers is not a disease, it's the way you are made. Some of your personality and behavioural traits will be more on the autistic side of the spectrum than others, but they shouldn't be viewed as "symptoms" - they're part of who you are and who you've always been.
2. Having an autistic brain is not in itself a disability. Some autistic people have ADHD, anxiety disorders, depression, learning difficulties, etc. which may mean they need support with day to day living, but many of us have learned to cope. If you don't need help with day to day living it's unlikely you'll get a formal diagnosis as the medical profession don't see any point in giving a diagnosis for something that doesn't need any treatment or support.
Being able to cope with life most of the time doesn't mean we're not autistic though, and many "hidden autistics" have brought, and still bring, many useful qualities and skills to our society which people with neurotypical minds don't have. It is believed that most programmers and software developers working in " Silicone Valley" are autistic and this is what makes them good at what they do (systematic processing, attention to detail, creative thinking, etc)
You say you have read a book about autism, but you didn't say which one. I would recommend "Am I autistic?" - a guide to autism & aspergers self diagnosis for adults, by Lydia Andal, and to help you understand neurotypicals better: "A field guide to earthlings - an autistic /aspergers view of neurotypical behaviour" by Ian Ford. Both available on Kindle and a sample can be downloaded before you buy.