Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello All,
My name is Ian and I was wondering if anybody might be able to offer some advice on my situation.
I do not want to bore anyone or downplay issues others might have with my own particular set of circumstances but I am emotionally exhausted and I think I need some help after a lifetime of what i guess might be Aspergers.
I've always felt that there might be something wrong, if that is the right way to describe things but my path through life has encouraged me to push on no matter what, often ignoring things or finding coping strategies to deal with what is painful social interaction.
I am 41, of (measured) above averagee intelligence and hold down a well paid senior management job in the City. Again, this has until now, convinced me that I can't have a problem , because how could I do this otherwise?
However, I've started to accept (although I've always known) that what I do to get through each day and perform well, is a series of well rehearsed routines mimicking what I see as normal social interaction.
I am aware that there are those who find me more than a little odd due to my mannerisms but as my work has always been good, it's put up with.
There have been a number of occasions in my current employ where I have crashed and burned spectacularly however. I had to give a disciplinary to a senior member of staff last year with our HR Director.
I can't describe quite how badly this panned and what should have been a simple , short task , turned into somewhat of a horror show.
This confused the firm quite considerably and they sent me on a £25k management course to 'fix me', which again I found very emotionally difficult, as these courses tend to focus inwardly but I did learn that my behaviour does actually impact others.
I have lost my best friend inthe last 18 months, due to some behaviour of mine at his mother's funeral (which in hindsight must have appeared appalling but I'm still struggling to see the issue) and I feel that things are starting to fall apart around after decades of holding things together.
I am not one for melodrama or self diagnosis and would never want to appear to be trivialising a condition that I can imagine causes a lot of grief for people.
I am fortunate that I have a supportive wife and fantastic children (the only three people I feel natural around). Without them I thnk I'd be far worse off
I suppose I'm most concerned that at my age and with a seemingly polished facade, that he won't take me seriously, that he won't be able to see past my act.
I don't know what it's worth but I scored 42 on the test I found for autism online, which I understand is towards the upper end of the scale.
Any advice that anyone who has some experience of the condition would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Ian
I'm pleased to hear you had a good afternoon.
Yeah, things like the bus incident seem a bit silly, but it stems from the same issue you had in the lift - of not being in control. I also hate lifts because I'm worried about getting trapped in one and I hate being in one with other people (apart from my husband or best friend) - where are you supposed to look? Should you make small talk?
I used to not even admit these issues to myself, which I think caused a lot of relationship problems as I let the bad feelings build up without addressing them, which overloaded my brain and caused communication problems and lack of emotional control. Easier to identify than solve the problem ;( but at least it's a step forward.
Another thing I do if things get too bad is to think of a positive change I can make, which I then discuss with my husband to get his feedback. For example, when I was having problems in a job a few years back he said he thought it was the wrong job for me and that I should leave, which I did and never regretted it. My recent anxiety problems were partly caused because we moved into an apartment in December which we then found out had a night club behind it which pumped out thumping music 3 or 4 nights a week until 3-4 am: after a couple of months suffering this noise nuisance, which we were not able to resolve, I was getting panic attacks. So we decided to move again, which despite being a stressful process in itself was worth it. Luckily we were renting, not buying the apartment and were able to negotiate an early termination of the tenancy.
So it might be helpful to think of changes you could make to improve your life, large or small, and discuss them with your wife. Or perhaps you could try a new hobby, or plan a holiday or weekend away together to somewhere you've always wanted to visit, to "recharge your batteries"? Keep positive.