Hello and wondering if anyone has any advice - 41 year old male struggling

The only thing that worries me about new hobbies is becoming over absorbed in them as with everything else I do

Thank you very much for your posts this week, they've helped me a lot .

I'll check back in her after I've seen my GP.

Thank you Kerri. I found a reasonably local psychiatrist specialising in ASD/Aspergers.

Thank you again

Hi Felix1974,

There's lots of information about the diagnosis process on the NAS website (www.autism.org.uk/.../diagnosis.aspx). You can also search for diagnostic services in your area using the Autism Services Directory (www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx). Alternatively, the Lorna Wing Centre may be able to help you (www.autism.org.uk/.../diagnostic.aspx).

Hope that helps. 

Hi again,

I hope the rest of your week has been good.

I had my Doctor's appointment this morning and whilst I don't think she was that interested in what I had to say , did offer to write me a referral letter.

Apparently there are no specialists doing private work in my area , so I need to find my own. 

Can anyone help me here? Do I need to see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist?  Or will either do? 

Thanks

I'm pleased to hear you had a good afternoon.

Yeah, things like the bus incident seem a bit silly, but it stems from the same issue you had in the lift - of not being in control. I also hate lifts because I'm worried about getting trapped in one and I hate being in one with other people (apart from my husband or best friend) - where are you supposed to look? Should you make small talk?

I used to not even admit these issues to myself, which I think caused a lot of relationship problems as I let the bad feelings build up without addressing them, which overloaded my brain and caused communication problems and lack of emotional control. Easier to identify than solve the problem ;( but at least it's a step forward. 

Another thing I do if things get too bad is to think of a positive change I can make, which I then discuss with my husband to get his feedback. For example, when I was having problems in a job a few years back he said he thought it was the wrong job for me and that I should leave, which I did and never regretted it. My recent anxiety problems were partly caused because we moved into an apartment in December which we then found out had a night club behind it which pumped out thumping music 3 or 4 nights a week until 3-4 am: after a couple of months suffering this noise nuisance, which we were not able to resolve, I was getting panic attacks. So we decided to move again, which despite being a stressful process in itself was worth it. Luckily we were renting, not buying the apartment and were able to negotiate an early termination of the tenancy.

So it might be helpful to think of changes you could make to improve your life, large or small,  and discuss them with your wife. Or perhaps you could try a new hobby, or plan a holiday or weekend away together to somewhere you've always wanted to visit, to "recharge your batteries"? Keep positive. 

It's interesting how you mention what are small things (relatively) causing a big impact. Such as being late for the bus.

I managed to work myself into a major panic in the lift at lunch time. I work on the 9th floor and when I got in the lift on the ground floor a number of people pushed pretty much all of the buttons so that we stopped on every single floor.

I could feel my breathing starting to suffer almost immediately and by the 7th floor I was so disproportionately angry that it was hard to believe really, kind of like a mini panic attack. 

It's not claustrophobia, just that I wanted to be at my desk  and that I had no control over the situation . I don't know why I let it affect me like this but everything calmed down as soon as I stepped into the lift lobby on the 9th floor.

I haven't yet done enough reading (although I've done a lot in the last week) to know if this is typical behaviour or signs of something else. Entirely frustrating and defeating either way.

On a positive note, I did have a significantly successful meeting this afternoon with two people that I trust here. Feels like a small victory when I get through a meeting without shutting down or behaving differently.

I'm keen to get to Friday now.

I'd be interested to hear what happens if you do go for a private diagnosis, what it involves etc. I personally don't have a lot of faith in the medical profession, particularly when it comes to matters of the mind. I was happy for the GP to confirm that it looks like I do have an aspergers mind/personality, to accept that myself and look into my own ways of dealing with it, but then I'm a "control freak" and find it hard to trust anyone.

I thought you might be interested to hear what I have tried so far. I read a book by the comedienne Ruby Wax, who had a breakdown and had to spend time in a mental hospital and is now a qualified therapist. I have no idea if she's on the autistic spectrum and much of the book was scientific waffle to me and didn't often match why I suffer with anxiety, however she does say that there are different ways of dealing with your problems and you have to find the one which works for you. I believe this is the same whether your an Aspie or a Neurotypical, as we're all individuals with different needs. She doesn't get on with CBT either, and uses a technique she calls "minfulness". Basically it's training yourself to be more aware of when your mood is changing and using various methods to calm yourself. She suggests focusing on your senses to distract your brain - such as what you are touching, what you can smell, or your own breathing. I've tried a variation of this: when I was held up at work and left late and missed the bus, I started to get agitated at the bus stop. By the time I got on the bus I was feeling quite bad, but I forced myself to think rather than just letting the mood drag me down. I rationalised that it didn't matter if I was a bit late home, I had a moblie my husband could ring me on if he was worried, and I focused on what it would fell like to get home and relax with him. By the time I did get home I was calm.

I hate being late for work too, so if the bus is a bit late in the morning I now switch off and read the news on my phone. Usually I do get to work on time and I would have worried unneccesarily, and if I'm a few minutes late, so what? Other people often are, and I can easily make the time up another day.

Some people who have a strong aversion to noise use noise cancelling headphones. I also find it can help to get out of the office for a walk at lunchtime on my own, even just for 10 minutes.

I still don't have all the answers to my own problems, but I'm working through it. Hope this gives you some ideas you could use successfully.

Thank you again for coming back to me and please don't apologise for the length of your post. Anything that gives me more information is greatly appreciated. And thank you for your kinds words too.

I suppose for me a diagnosis (and I'm not desperate for one I should add) would perhaps give me some affirmation that the way I perceive things and my general interaction with the world is not just me being weird, if that makes sense.

It would give me some validation and perhaps a better way of approaching things if I know that there is something there. Rather than blindly trying to force myself to do things for which I'm ill equipped, in an attempt at self therapy.

That said if I want to carry on with my job (and I do) then I will have to continue to do things that distress me but I think I may be able to accept it slightly better.

All of this assumes that the doctor agrees with me but that leads me onto another point. 

I can't believe the way I feel is right, so if not Aspergers, what else? Am I depressed, stressed? Possibly both but are those conditions a just a symptom of the Aspergers or standalone conditions?

If you add in all of the other factors, I still believe Aspergers is more likely but I'm not really qualified to make that call.

Your point about CBT is a good one, I don't have desperately negative thoughts and my struggle with work has worsened since my promotion 3 years ago. I had until that point been able to avoid interaction if I wanted. Now, I am in a position where I have to attend Board and Committee meetings and am expected to make significant , decision making input each day. The decision making I could handle if it was done in isolation but the Board level interaction is the biggest issue.

The other Board members often have to reassure me when I have reacted badly to something they've said. Now, originally I used to think why are they adopting a manner that's suggesting they are trying to calm me? I haven't reacted outlandishly to that piece of criticism.

I've started thinking now that I just don't see understand very well how I actually respond to criticism. I even deliberately tried to take a conciliatory position when receiving criticism and that hasn't worked either. I just can't figure out how I am supposed to be.

That said, I am still doing well here, despite the way I feel I am. I guess I still have them fooled to an extent .

Your description of the things that cause you discomfort resonate with me greatly. Things like noise , crowds I find very difficult to handle and my ability to multi task is virtually zero, which is another problem in this job.

I've had trouble breathing when trying to manage a couple of different jobs at the same time and that's the minimum expectation here.

I think I will pursue the private diagnosis as I hope that I won't ever find myself in aposition where I have to rely on state support etc but life is funny, you never know what is around the corner.

Thank you again

Hi again 

I understand what you mean about having a box for everything in your head and wanting a reason for why you feel the way you do. I was in the same situation a few weeks ago - I hate getting so upset when things get too much for me and I thought there might be something "wrong" with me.

Then when I thought about the idea that it might be aspergers which was the underlying cause it seemed to make sense, so the thought that I might get a negative diagnosis for aspergers worried me. 

The GP said a formal diagnosisis is more usually done for children, so that they can be given support during their development and education. At my first consultation he asked me how I thought a diagnosis would help me, so I said that I thought it would help me understand myself better and learn how to cope better with stressful situations. I also said that I thought it would mean that the CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) he had recommended for me could be tailored to my needs, however he told me that it would be the same whether I have aspergers or not. 

Between the first and second GP consultations I sent him my AQ test responses to assess and considered my options. I was advised by some people on here that CBT or any type of counselling /therapy should be carried out by a therapist with expertise in autism / aspergers, which seemed to me like it was not the "one size fits all"  answer the GP seemed to be telling me it was.  I also researched it on the net and asked my friend, who had CBT a few years ago, about how useful she found it. I discovered that it is based on the idea that negative thoughts cause negative feelings, therefore by learning to change how you think you won't have negative feelings.  That's no use to me - my anxiety isn't caused by negative thoughts,  it's caused by an instinctive reaction to things like: sensory discomfort (crowds, certain noises, etc),  phobic responses (e.g. feeling trapped), being overwhelmed (by having too many things to do / being given too much information) or not understanding and being scared by another person's hostile (whether real or perceived) response to me. 

I also discovered that the formal diagnosis route usually involves you taking a parent or someone else who has known you along to the assessment so they can answer questions about what you were like as a child and assess whether you had developmental problems. This would not be possible for me, and even if it were, at the age of 55 I would not be happy with it. 

So when I had the 2nd consultation with the GP and he offered me a referral based on my AQ test results,  I declined. By then I had decided that as I would not get any useful help from the medical profession, there wasn't much point. Also, by then my reading about aspergers had started to give me clues about how I could learn to cope better myself.

You can get a private diagnosis if you just want to "tick the box"  so to speak, although I've heard that this is not always accepted if you do later need to access services or get disability related benefits.

Sorry about the extremely long post,  but I just want to end by saying don't think there is anything wrong with you. You just respond differently to most people in certain situations, but you're obviously intelligent, thoughtful, and have the ability to learn about yourself, with the benefit of a supportive home life, so I believe you can work things out.

Thank you for coming back to me Pixie and a lot of what you say makes perfect sense to me.

You sound like you have a decent GP, whereas I know mine is apathetic at the very best. I have an appointment this Friday coming to discuss this and I think rather than argue the toss, I'm going to just insist on a private referral.

It's interesting what you say about formal diagnosis if not requiring support?I find that a little discouraging I must admit, as I don't need support in the traditional way but I am someone who benefits greatly by having a box for everything in my head.

I will check back in here after I've been to my GP but just can't believe that how I feel is right or has ever been.

Thank you for your support again

Ian 

Thank you for coming back to me Pixie and a lot of what you say makes perfect sense to me.

You sound like you have a decent GP, whereas I know mine is apathetic at the very best. I have an appointment this Friday coming to discuss this and I think rather than argue the toss, I'm going to just insist on a private referral.

It's interesting what you say about formal diagnosis if not requiring support?I find that a little discouraging I must admit, as I don't need support in the traditional way but I am someone who benefits greatly by having a box for everything in my head.

I will check back in here after I've been to my GP but just can't believe that how I feel is right or has ever been.

Thank you for your support again

Ian 

Hi and welcome to the community

I'm 55 and only recently found out that I am an "Aspie" (this is my preferred label, as I think it sounds friendlier than either Aspergers Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder, both of which sound like illnesses to me! (which it isn't)

I scored 41 on the AQ test, despite leading what would appear to others to be a relatively "normal" life. I too am above average intelligence and trained myself so well from an early age to act the ways others around me do that my AQ score was a bit of a shock to me. I'd taken it after watching a BBC documentary about autism which featured a woman with aspergers and I thought - oh, I can identify with a lot of that, I'd like to find out more..... and so it became my new "special interest" (don't know if you're familiar with this, but we tend to have very strong interests in our chosen topics or hobbies - sometimes verging on obsession! although it's usually fairly harmless)

Work seems to be one of the main problem areas for adult Aspies, particularly working relationships. It's one reason I decided not to go into a management role - although I'm quite capable of it I couldn't deal with the stress. I find Neurotypical people (those not on the autism spectrum) unpredictable and unfathomable at times.

I spoke to a GP recently about it, after experiencing a traumatic event at work and having to take a few days off with anxiety and stress. However although he accepted my AQ score as evidence and offered a referral to a specialist, he did advise that it wouldn't lead to any support as I usually manage life OK, so I decided not to go down the referral route at the moment (also I heard that you don't get a formal diagnosis unless you really need lots of support). It was good to see the GP though, as he has made a note on my medical records and I know I can be referred later if necessary and I can also have counselling (with no referral necessary) if I need it. However this GP has a mental health background / speciality, so is more familiar with it than some doctors. It can help just to talk it over with someone though.

Good luck

Pixie