Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello All,
My name is Ian and I was wondering if anybody might be able to offer some advice on my situation.
I do not want to bore anyone or downplay issues others might have with my own particular set of circumstances but I am emotionally exhausted and I think I need some help after a lifetime of what i guess might be Aspergers.
I've always felt that there might be something wrong, if that is the right way to describe things but my path through life has encouraged me to push on no matter what, often ignoring things or finding coping strategies to deal with what is painful social interaction.
I am 41, of (measured) above averagee intelligence and hold down a well paid senior management job in the City. Again, this has until now, convinced me that I can't have a problem , because how could I do this otherwise?
However, I've started to accept (although I've always known) that what I do to get through each day and perform well, is a series of well rehearsed routines mimicking what I see as normal social interaction.
I am aware that there are those who find me more than a little odd due to my mannerisms but as my work has always been good, it's put up with.
There have been a number of occasions in my current employ where I have crashed and burned spectacularly however. I had to give a disciplinary to a senior member of staff last year with our HR Director.
I can't describe quite how badly this panned and what should have been a simple , short task , turned into somewhat of a horror show.
This confused the firm quite considerably and they sent me on a £25k management course to 'fix me', which again I found very emotionally difficult, as these courses tend to focus inwardly but I did learn that my behaviour does actually impact others.
I have lost my best friend inthe last 18 months, due to some behaviour of mine at his mother's funeral (which in hindsight must have appeared appalling but I'm still struggling to see the issue) and I feel that things are starting to fall apart around after decades of holding things together.
I am not one for melodrama or self diagnosis and would never want to appear to be trivialising a condition that I can imagine causes a lot of grief for people.
I am fortunate that I have a supportive wife and fantastic children (the only three people I feel natural around). Without them I thnk I'd be far worse off
I suppose I'm most concerned that at my age and with a seemingly polished facade, that he won't take me seriously, that he won't be able to see past my act.
I don't know what it's worth but I scored 42 on the test I found for autism online, which I understand is towards the upper end of the scale.
Any advice that anyone who has some experience of the condition would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Ian
It's interesting how you mention what are small things (relatively) causing a big impact. Such as being late for the bus.
I managed to work myself into a major panic in the lift at lunch time. I work on the 9th floor and when I got in the lift on the ground floor a number of people pushed pretty much all of the buttons so that we stopped on every single floor.
I could feel my breathing starting to suffer almost immediately and by the 7th floor I was so disproportionately angry that it was hard to believe really, kind of like a mini panic attack.
It's not claustrophobia, just that I wanted to be at my desk and that I had no control over the situation . I don't know why I let it affect me like this but everything calmed down as soon as I stepped into the lift lobby on the 9th floor.
I haven't yet done enough reading (although I've done a lot in the last week) to know if this is typical behaviour or signs of something else. Entirely frustrating and defeating either way.
On a positive note, I did have a significantly successful meeting this afternoon with two people that I trust here. Feels like a small victory when I get through a meeting without shutting down or behaving differently.
I'm keen to get to Friday now.