Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello All,
My name is Ian and I was wondering if anybody might be able to offer some advice on my situation.
I do not want to bore anyone or downplay issues others might have with my own particular set of circumstances but I am emotionally exhausted and I think I need some help after a lifetime of what i guess might be Aspergers.
I've always felt that there might be something wrong, if that is the right way to describe things but my path through life has encouraged me to push on no matter what, often ignoring things or finding coping strategies to deal with what is painful social interaction.
I am 41, of (measured) above averagee intelligence and hold down a well paid senior management job in the City. Again, this has until now, convinced me that I can't have a problem , because how could I do this otherwise?
However, I've started to accept (although I've always known) that what I do to get through each day and perform well, is a series of well rehearsed routines mimicking what I see as normal social interaction.
I am aware that there are those who find me more than a little odd due to my mannerisms but as my work has always been good, it's put up with.
There have been a number of occasions in my current employ where I have crashed and burned spectacularly however. I had to give a disciplinary to a senior member of staff last year with our HR Director.
I can't describe quite how badly this panned and what should have been a simple , short task , turned into somewhat of a horror show.
This confused the firm quite considerably and they sent me on a £25k management course to 'fix me', which again I found very emotionally difficult, as these courses tend to focus inwardly but I did learn that my behaviour does actually impact others.
I have lost my best friend inthe last 18 months, due to some behaviour of mine at his mother's funeral (which in hindsight must have appeared appalling but I'm still struggling to see the issue) and I feel that things are starting to fall apart around after decades of holding things together.
I am not one for melodrama or self diagnosis and would never want to appear to be trivialising a condition that I can imagine causes a lot of grief for people.
I am fortunate that I have a supportive wife and fantastic children (the only three people I feel natural around). Without them I thnk I'd be far worse off
I suppose I'm most concerned that at my age and with a seemingly polished facade, that he won't take me seriously, that he won't be able to see past my act.
I don't know what it's worth but I scored 42 on the test I found for autism online, which I understand is towards the upper end of the scale.
Any advice that anyone who has some experience of the condition would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Ian
I'd be interested to hear what happens if you do go for a private diagnosis, what it involves etc. I personally don't have a lot of faith in the medical profession, particularly when it comes to matters of the mind. I was happy for the GP to confirm that it looks like I do have an aspergers mind/personality, to accept that myself and look into my own ways of dealing with it, but then I'm a "control freak" and find it hard to trust anyone.
I thought you might be interested to hear what I have tried so far. I read a book by the comedienne Ruby Wax, who had a breakdown and had to spend time in a mental hospital and is now a qualified therapist. I have no idea if she's on the autistic spectrum and much of the book was scientific waffle to me and didn't often match why I suffer with anxiety, however she does say that there are different ways of dealing with your problems and you have to find the one which works for you. I believe this is the same whether your an Aspie or a Neurotypical, as we're all individuals with different needs. She doesn't get on with CBT either, and uses a technique she calls "minfulness". Basically it's training yourself to be more aware of when your mood is changing and using various methods to calm yourself. She suggests focusing on your senses to distract your brain - such as what you are touching, what you can smell, or your own breathing. I've tried a variation of this: when I was held up at work and left late and missed the bus, I started to get agitated at the bus stop. By the time I got on the bus I was feeling quite bad, but I forced myself to think rather than just letting the mood drag me down. I rationalised that it didn't matter if I was a bit late home, I had a moblie my husband could ring me on if he was worried, and I focused on what it would fell like to get home and relax with him. By the time I did get home I was calm.
I hate being late for work too, so if the bus is a bit late in the morning I now switch off and read the news on my phone. Usually I do get to work on time and I would have worried unneccesarily, and if I'm a few minutes late, so what? Other people often are, and I can easily make the time up another day.
Some people who have a strong aversion to noise use noise cancelling headphones. I also find it can help to get out of the office for a walk at lunchtime on my own, even just for 10 minutes.
I still don't have all the answers to my own problems, but I'm working through it. Hope this gives you some ideas you could use successfully.