Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello All,
My name is Ian and I was wondering if anybody might be able to offer some advice on my situation.
I do not want to bore anyone or downplay issues others might have with my own particular set of circumstances but I am emotionally exhausted and I think I need some help after a lifetime of what i guess might be Aspergers.
I've always felt that there might be something wrong, if that is the right way to describe things but my path through life has encouraged me to push on no matter what, often ignoring things or finding coping strategies to deal with what is painful social interaction.
I am 41, of (measured) above averagee intelligence and hold down a well paid senior management job in the City. Again, this has until now, convinced me that I can't have a problem , because how could I do this otherwise?
However, I've started to accept (although I've always known) that what I do to get through each day and perform well, is a series of well rehearsed routines mimicking what I see as normal social interaction.
I am aware that there are those who find me more than a little odd due to my mannerisms but as my work has always been good, it's put up with.
There have been a number of occasions in my current employ where I have crashed and burned spectacularly however. I had to give a disciplinary to a senior member of staff last year with our HR Director.
I can't describe quite how badly this panned and what should have been a simple , short task , turned into somewhat of a horror show.
This confused the firm quite considerably and they sent me on a £25k management course to 'fix me', which again I found very emotionally difficult, as these courses tend to focus inwardly but I did learn that my behaviour does actually impact others.
I have lost my best friend inthe last 18 months, due to some behaviour of mine at his mother's funeral (which in hindsight must have appeared appalling but I'm still struggling to see the issue) and I feel that things are starting to fall apart around after decades of holding things together.
I am not one for melodrama or self diagnosis and would never want to appear to be trivialising a condition that I can imagine causes a lot of grief for people.
I am fortunate that I have a supportive wife and fantastic children (the only three people I feel natural around). Without them I thnk I'd be far worse off
I suppose I'm most concerned that at my age and with a seemingly polished facade, that he won't take me seriously, that he won't be able to see past my act.
I don't know what it's worth but I scored 42 on the test I found for autism online, which I understand is towards the upper end of the scale.
Any advice that anyone who has some experience of the condition would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Ian
Thank you again for coming back to me and please don't apologise for the length of your post. Anything that gives me more information is greatly appreciated. And thank you for your kinds words too.
I suppose for me a diagnosis (and I'm not desperate for one I should add) would perhaps give me some affirmation that the way I perceive things and my general interaction with the world is not just me being weird, if that makes sense.
It would give me some validation and perhaps a better way of approaching things if I know that there is something there. Rather than blindly trying to force myself to do things for which I'm ill equipped, in an attempt at self therapy.
That said if I want to carry on with my job (and I do) then I will have to continue to do things that distress me but I think I may be able to accept it slightly better.
All of this assumes that the doctor agrees with me but that leads me onto another point.
I can't believe the way I feel is right, so if not Aspergers, what else? Am I depressed, stressed? Possibly both but are those conditions a just a symptom of the Aspergers or standalone conditions?
If you add in all of the other factors, I still believe Aspergers is more likely but I'm not really qualified to make that call.
Your point about CBT is a good one, I don't have desperately negative thoughts and my struggle with work has worsened since my promotion 3 years ago. I had until that point been able to avoid interaction if I wanted. Now, I am in a position where I have to attend Board and Committee meetings and am expected to make significant , decision making input each day. The decision making I could handle if it was done in isolation but the Board level interaction is the biggest issue.
The other Board members often have to reassure me when I have reacted badly to something they've said. Now, originally I used to think why are they adopting a manner that's suggesting they are trying to calm me? I haven't reacted outlandishly to that piece of criticism.
I've started thinking now that I just don't see understand very well how I actually respond to criticism. I even deliberately tried to take a conciliatory position when receiving criticism and that hasn't worked either. I just can't figure out how I am supposed to be.
That said, I am still doing well here, despite the way I feel I am. I guess I still have them fooled to an extent .
Your description of the things that cause you discomfort resonate with me greatly. Things like noise , crowds I find very difficult to handle and my ability to multi task is virtually zero, which is another problem in this job.
I've had trouble breathing when trying to manage a couple of different jobs at the same time and that's the minimum expectation here.
I think I will pursue the private diagnosis as I hope that I won't ever find myself in aposition where I have to rely on state support etc but life is funny, you never know what is around the corner.
Thank you again