Saturday night melt down - and hi!

Hi - I've just found this forum after a very tricky evening with my 11yo son. He currently has a diagnosis of ADHD, with a 'pending' aspergers diagnosis if such a thing exists. Basically after years of begging the gp for help we had a referral to CAMHS, who say that he exhibits ADHD traits and aspergers traits, but they are not keen to formally acknowledge the aspergers at this age. He was referred up and up to a senior consultant as he wasn't a typical case, again I'm not sure such a thing exists as such!

His father had aspergers, severe depression which eventually led to drug dependency and was highly intelligent, and my boy is very similar (without the drugs of course!). His dad hasn't seen him in years, he said he didn't want our son seeing him the way he was and so he cut contact with us when our son was 4. I have tried to contract him, just to know he is ok, but he hasn't responded.

So I've done my best to raise him on my own up until a couple years ago (when my partner moved in), to give him stability and understanding and anything he needs. But as he's got older its the violent outbursts that upset me. We were due to go out this evening to a local fireworks display, and he was upset about me not agreeing to buy him the dinner he wanted - he swore at me, spat on me and attacked me. So I told him I didn't think we could go out as he was obviously too wound up (pacing, swearing, destructive behaviour). He had a big melt down, and after speaking to my sister I decided to try to find a place where maybe others go through the same struggles - so here I am.

I have to say, I am SO RELIEVED to see other people have similar battles. Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with the violence? And how to formalize the diagnosis of aspergers? I must admit I am frightened of him at times. He tried to stab me once, since then he has just shoved, kicked or hit ('just' - how did we get to the point where that is a 'just'?). I work in education, I'm quite good with the behaviour of my students (who often have additional needs and are highly challenging), and yet with my own son things just become so emotional.

Anyway. I don't know quite what I'm asking, just to know if this sounds familiar to anyone I guess!

Kat.