Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi - I've just found this forum after a very tricky evening with my 11yo son. He currently has a diagnosis of ADHD, with a 'pending' aspergers diagnosis if such a thing exists. Basically after years of begging the gp for help we had a referral to CAMHS, who say that he exhibits ADHD traits and aspergers traits, but they are not keen to formally acknowledge the aspergers at this age. He was referred up and up to a senior consultant as he wasn't a typical case, again I'm not sure such a thing exists as such!
His father had aspergers, severe depression which eventually led to drug dependency and was highly intelligent, and my boy is very similar (without the drugs of course!). His dad hasn't seen him in years, he said he didn't want our son seeing him the way he was and so he cut contact with us when our son was 4. I have tried to contract him, just to know he is ok, but he hasn't responded.
So I've done my best to raise him on my own up until a couple years ago (when my partner moved in), to give him stability and understanding and anything he needs. But as he's got older its the violent outbursts that upset me. We were due to go out this evening to a local fireworks display, and he was upset about me not agreeing to buy him the dinner he wanted - he swore at me, spat on me and attacked me. So I told him I didn't think we could go out as he was obviously too wound up (pacing, swearing, destructive behaviour). He had a big melt down, and after speaking to my sister I decided to try to find a place where maybe others go through the same struggles - so here I am.
I have to say, I am SO RELIEVED to see other people have similar battles. Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with the violence? And how to formalize the diagnosis of aspergers? I must admit I am frightened of him at times. He tried to stab me once, since then he has just shoved, kicked or hit ('just' - how did we get to the point where that is a 'just'?). I work in education, I'm quite good with the behaviour of my students (who often have additional needs and are highly challenging), and yet with my own son things just become so emotional.
Anyway. I don't know quite what I'm asking, just to know if this sounds familiar to anyone I guess!
Kat.
My theory (and that's all I can offer - I haven't found a backer - its what I recall and I'm lucky and fairly manageable) is that outbursts follow the "last straw" principle.
You may yourself have a bad day when everything seems to go wrong. It may only be something quite small that causes you to have an outburst of frustration or distress.
For someone on the autistic spectrum it is quite possible to be near the last straw situation all day and every day.
Not having good social referencing, and not being able to diffuse concerns by talking to others, including his peers, he has to resolve everything in isolation by thinking it through. People on the spectrum become overly attuned to thinking everything through - round and round it all goes - in your head.
Things that you would have forgotten about almost instantaneously he can still be trying to rationalise and resolve weeks later. Because he has no outside referencing.
You can talk to people, friends, family, neighbours - often indirectly, by implying it is someone else you are asking for rather than yourself. Most people (I perceive) sort a lot of things out by social interaction. Your son cannot do this properly, so has to resolve everything independently.
This (in my theory .....) is why people on the spectrum are so prone to anxiety and depression. Everything is churning in your head in negatively reinforcing spirals so your stress levels are permanently high. So you are constantly "blowing up" at things that appear insignificant to others. Its not the trigger its the underlying stress,.
I think you can reduce the pressure if he is willing to talk though his problems, and there are issues you can resolve for him to reduce the load.