Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, i just registered here after i was advised by my mother to do so.
Let me try and start from the beginning...
I am 32 years old and feel i have had unknown issues since very young but never had the help or info to do anything about it, its currently getting to the point where it seems age is making it worse and i need to actually find help.
Starting from being born almost i have been some what different, i guess you could call it higher functioning, reading, speaking, walking, puzzles at very young age (walking at 6 month, reading shortly after). Just not being like everyone else. I always just understood everything without much need of teaching (autodidact (example, it takes me a day or 2 to learn things like computer coding or 3D modeling, i seem to be able to understand code and such better than english)). None of these thing exactly being that bad, but my head now feels so full of information (which i cannot stop taking in, i just need to know/learn everything) it's feeling very crowded.
If i dont do hard logic puzzles or some hard problems, or design something during my day i get very frustrated and don't know how to cope or outlet the brain steam. Also i find myself having to find information daily such as having to look up movie trivia on anything i watch, if i hear something i dont know i need to immediately find out everything about what it is or i end up feeling ill about it. The only reason i own a mobile phone is as an information finding device i can use anywhere at any time.
Also from a young age i have never understood social situations, cannot understand other peoples emotions (for instance, my wife's grandad died and i litterally had no idea why she was crying about it), i appear to come across tactless to other people even though i very much don't mean to be, i cant use eye contact much if any, cannot use a telephone, hardly ever leave my house as i cant cope with the idea of the outside world. I get very anxious when im outside and sometimes have panic attacks and have to go immediately home. I don't like people to notice me, even people i know (as a child i would cross the street so a school friend wouldnt see me and want to talk, as i wouldnt know what to say).
Speaking of which, i have a problem knowing how to communicate/conversate with people in person, its like my brain switches off and no conversation will come to me at all and i just stand there not knowing what the heck to do.
Also after these type encounters i will go over them in my head again for days at a time, replaying the event over and over thinking how i couldve done different, or what i could/should have actually said.
I feel no one really understands me, and that i dont really belong in this world (not in a i want to die way, just in a belonging sense).
I didnt go to school much at all becuase as a child i suffered sever crohns disease which kept me away for years at a time (which probably didnt help my social issies) so i have never really been seen by anyone about these issues. Another issue is i find it really difficult to leave my house to go to the doctors, so to solve my problem i have to do something that is the problem in the first place, seems like im just stuck.
I don't know what to do and am feeling very frustrated with myself, like my brain is on overload.
All of this i feel is getting worse the older i get.
I have taken several tests online (including an official one) and i scored sky high for Asbergers, but obviously its not infalable.
Im sorry if all of this is just nonsense and nothing to do with anything, but i just wrote anything and everything that came to mind.
Any info or advice would be greatly appreciated
Ben.
Hi Ben,
I can certainly understand all your questions. I can only tell you what the process was for me. If you look at : www.aspieblog.co.uk/.../ , this is a blog I wrote about my process, but I will be cutting it up a bit as it can be alot to read in one go. As you might know, us Aspies love small details.:)
Your feelings about belonging, make sense completely. I know that feeling of feeling like you are watching life from the outside. A bit like one of those silly snow domes you shake with christmas scenes. You can see all the things going on, but you are never truely a part of it. So I do get it.
Well that is good that your mum noticed things when you were young, as she will need to mention this on her RQ ( Relations Questionaire). Her info will certainly help get an outsiders view of your behaviour and certainly about things when you were young that perhaps you didn't realise were there.
On a slighly similar note, I gave myself a speech impediment when I was about 8, as I was playing trick on my brothers and started to repeat what they said but with stammer, just to annoy them. However, I did it so much that I couldn't stop myself and had to go to speech therapy for several months to stop. My brothers and I joke now about, how I am the only person in the world who could give herself a speech impediment. :)
I know it is hard when you just don't have the energy or will to talk to others. But you have to know that it isn't healthy either. Not for you mentally to have an self imposed isolation. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get out. It amazes me, how different ASD can be between people and even in my family. My boys are almost polar opposites. My eldest would be happy to stay him all the time, if he could and my youngest wants to go out every day and do new things and meet new people. Both have different social skills. I have one bull in a china shop and one who just keeps to a corner. Perhaps once you've been through a dx process, you would consider working on that issue? I am not saying you are going to start partying every night, but perhaps even just going to local NAS meetings and meeting other people who would understand may help you easy yourself in venturing out?
Jenn
Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk anymore.