Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, i just registered here after i was advised by my mother to do so.
Let me try and start from the beginning...
I am 32 years old and feel i have had unknown issues since very young but never had the help or info to do anything about it, its currently getting to the point where it seems age is making it worse and i need to actually find help.
Starting from being born almost i have been some what different, i guess you could call it higher functioning, reading, speaking, walking, puzzles at very young age (walking at 6 month, reading shortly after). Just not being like everyone else. I always just understood everything without much need of teaching (autodidact (example, it takes me a day or 2 to learn things like computer coding or 3D modeling, i seem to be able to understand code and such better than english)). None of these thing exactly being that bad, but my head now feels so full of information (which i cannot stop taking in, i just need to know/learn everything) it's feeling very crowded.
If i dont do hard logic puzzles or some hard problems, or design something during my day i get very frustrated and don't know how to cope or outlet the brain steam. Also i find myself having to find information daily such as having to look up movie trivia on anything i watch, if i hear something i dont know i need to immediately find out everything about what it is or i end up feeling ill about it. The only reason i own a mobile phone is as an information finding device i can use anywhere at any time.
Also from a young age i have never understood social situations, cannot understand other peoples emotions (for instance, my wife's grandad died and i litterally had no idea why she was crying about it), i appear to come across tactless to other people even though i very much don't mean to be, i cant use eye contact much if any, cannot use a telephone, hardly ever leave my house as i cant cope with the idea of the outside world. I get very anxious when im outside and sometimes have panic attacks and have to go immediately home. I don't like people to notice me, even people i know (as a child i would cross the street so a school friend wouldnt see me and want to talk, as i wouldnt know what to say).
Speaking of which, i have a problem knowing how to communicate/conversate with people in person, its like my brain switches off and no conversation will come to me at all and i just stand there not knowing what the heck to do.
Also after these type encounters i will go over them in my head again for days at a time, replaying the event over and over thinking how i couldve done different, or what i could/should have actually said.
I feel no one really understands me, and that i dont really belong in this world (not in a i want to die way, just in a belonging sense).
I didnt go to school much at all becuase as a child i suffered sever crohns disease which kept me away for years at a time (which probably didnt help my social issies) so i have never really been seen by anyone about these issues. Another issue is i find it really difficult to leave my house to go to the doctors, so to solve my problem i have to do something that is the problem in the first place, seems like im just stuck.
I don't know what to do and am feeling very frustrated with myself, like my brain is on overload.
All of this i feel is getting worse the older i get.
I have taken several tests online (including an official one) and i scored sky high for Asbergers, but obviously its not infalable.
Im sorry if all of this is just nonsense and nothing to do with anything, but i just wrote anything and everything that came to mind.
Any info or advice would be greatly appreciated
Ben.
Hi guys,
Thanks for further replies.
@Jenn_B I took the aspie quiz (www.rdos.net/.../Aspie-quiz.php) and scored 153/200, the end spider graph was pretty much only in the neurodiverse side.
@codger You said "So, how do you go through it? The simple answer is, the same way that you're going through life at the moment" but the way i am going through life at the moment is to stay indoors pretty much all day every day, i dont speak to people and i don't have friends. So how do i deal with doctors and consultants, when i have to talk to someone i can physically and mentally feel myself shutting down and just don't want to be in the situation. After this situation (hours/days) all the words i could have said then come to me after thinking about it all that time (which i cant help but do), "why didnt i just say this" and "i could have said that" but at the time there is just nothing.
So what is the process from start to finish? how long does it take say from today? what are the stages and time lengths?
Im sorry for all the questions but i need everything planned out and played out in my head before i can do anything, if i cant do this, things just dont/cant happen.
I really want to get this diagnosis for myself so i can feel at least like i finally belong, because at the moment i really dont, i do feel a lot better that i am similar to some people after coming here though, but without definites it just doesnt feel enough. Does that even make sense?
My mother told me today that she actually took me to the GP as a child to get sorted, but they just fobbed her off saying she was an over worrying parent all in her head and i was just a quiet shy boy. Speaking of which, i remember as a child (5 or so) i convinced the school and health workers that i was a deaf mute (signing etc) purely so i didnt have to speak to anyone, to such an extent they didnt believe my mother that i wasnt. Even after this i was still just a "quiet odd boy".
Great health and care system eh, although this was the 80's.
Anyway thanks again guys.