Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I am twenty-six years old and was diagnosed last week with Asperger's.
I was diagnosed with bipolarity, depression and anxiety disorders as a child and was found to be dyslexic when I was around seven or eight years old. I always had a hard time interacting with people and would get anxious when my routine was disturbed, but my parents thought it had to do with my other disorders and mostly ignored them. As I got older, I continued having issues and it was earlier this year that someone asked me if I was austistic due to my behavior (apparently her son is autistic and had similar traits). I was a little taken aback and felt suddenly very self-concious as I did not know this person well. I said, no, I wasn't, but ever since that conversation, I began to wonder. I went to see my GP for my regular yearly physical and asked her about a referal to a local diagnostian. She asked why and I said I wanted to speak to someone about the possiblity of me being autistic. She agreed, stating she'd often wondered herself. I had my appointment and was told they would let me know.
Last week I received a phone call from the diagnostian's office with my results. They told me I had mild to moderate Asperger's Syndrome. I was shocked as I honestly did not think I could be (I was never exposed to anyone with autisum until I was in CEGEP, so I didn't really understand it or how it affected people). So I looked up the material they directed me to and read up on the diagnois I was given. After reading through symptoms and traits, I realized it was blindingly obvious that this was what was causing my bizarre behavior. While surprising, actually knowing what was causing this made me feel... well, better. Finally knowing the cause made me feel almost free.
I have not told my family (their view on mental illness and autisum is not wonderful and they would likely consider it attention seeking behavior or an exaggeration), but I did tell my fiance. I was nervous to tell him. I panicked at the thought of him leaving me because of this, because I was different, because maybe he wouldn't understand. He came home to me crying, in mid-panic attack, shaking on our couch. He sat down beside me, hugged me and asked what was wrong. I had had a perfectly planned speech and explaination in my head before, had practiced it in the mirror until it was perfect, but all that came out was "I have Asperger's!" admid a new flood of tears. He held me tighter, kissed my forehead and said "I thought so. I love you and having the diagnosis doesn't change that." I was so thankful for his reaction.
But now I'm not sure what to do. Does this change how I should be acting? Should I seek treatment? I had done cognitive behavioral therapy from thirteen to twentyone years old, should I go back? Do I need to tell employers? Friends? How do I bring it up? Should I?
I only got diagnosed last year and for me it was much needed. People around me know about it but then I am very much in a supporitive environment. So I viewed it as a huge relief even though I didn't really know much about it. Over the year I have had some sessions that helped me to understand me that bit more. It don't resolve things for me, not the biggest thing I need to resolve but it now giving me means that other people can help me to resolve issues as they happen rather than lots of little issues forming one tight knot. The biggest thing I need resolving, well one very kind support is helping me deal with that too. So I see autism as a good thing for me. I hate it at times but now it is getting me to unravel tight knots as they happen rather than taking 6 weeks or so to climb down from them happening. The best therapy I have is getting the formal diagnosis but through a contact and agreement I have, I email things as they happen rather than things building up. Things do build up. But they have an outlet now. I don't talk about feelings and things that happen very much. But I can write them in email form. This was happening before even the referal was made and that person has moved which made me go and find someone else to email to. It better when I see them from time to time. I don't take any medicines for autism. I do find social chat hard. Email is my main way of dealing with difficulties. Some wordings are changed for me too. But people knowing I have autism allows them to work out how best to help me when things happen rather than look at me in askance when I have moments.