Could I have ASD/aspergers? (19yr old woman)

Hello, I am a 19 year old female and I was wondering if I could maybe have mild ASD. I am not interested in seeking a formal diagnosis for various personal and practical reasons, but I would like to have a good idea whether I do or not. I did the AQ test (http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/) that I saw mentioned in another post and I scored 32, which is not terribly high, but is still just into the “strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism” category.

I was a rather odd child, and now people don’t seem to notice my “oddness” so much, but I still feel different to other people, I think I’ve just got better at concealing it. This is going to be quite a long list, so sorry!

I had meltdowns as a child. Not your standard tantrums, I would become hysterical/explosive with fear and anger/hatred. My parents (who I have mostly forgiven) did not use the best parenting techniques, but looking back I still feel my reactions were disproportionate, and my younger brother didn’t react anywhere near as strongly.

Up to about 14 I would also refuse to hug or touch people. I gradually have accepted this, and will even voluntary hug my mum sometimes, but I still generally do not like it, and in some situations (dad trying to give me a hug to “cheer me up” is the WORST) I physically can’t stand the contact and want to shove people away and scream “don’t touch me!” (but I don’t)

More recently my “meltdowns” have occurred at secondary school when I was being wound up (again, I acted disproportionately and violently) and in a role-play scenario (this year) where I freaked out because I couldn’t “do it”/deal with the acting. In fact I have a huge aversion to role play which just makes my brain freeze and I’m not sure how to act.

I’ve recently been struggling as well with how to act in professional situations. This is probably because I am new to this, so I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been trying to copy what I’ve seen other people do or on TV, but it’s not working out too well yet, as I’ve been told that I’m a bit overly formal and scripted, which has knocked my confidence and made me nervous about trying.  I do emphasize with people, but I find it hard to express my empathy to them and create a good rapport, I’m afraid of looking “fake”, but I’ve also been told that I seem aloof and arrogant, which makes me sad because I’m not like that inside!  

I have learnt to recognise if I am struggling (for example, someone refusing to see my point of view in an argument) and remove myself from the situation- if not able to physically leave then I just stop engaging because otherwise it will not end well.

In many ways, I feel different to other people. I do have people that I would consider friends, but we’re just not quite on the same page. In many ways I feel emotionally like a clever/advanced child rather than an adult. I have no interest in sexual relations.

This is probably not ASD related, but I’ll mention it just in case. {Removed by Moderator} I did consider that I might be transgender, especially as I have other masculine traits, but I don’t think it quite fits. I don’t really understand gender as a social construct- I don’t really “see” other people’s genders…in a way I don’t really believe that it exists (much as male and female dogs exist, but I don’t really think that dogs have a “gender identity”). It’s just another part of life that I don’t seem to “get”. My clothing and general appearance choices are not too outlandish, but definitely not influenced by trends or societal norms.

I have a very,very,very short attention span (ADHD possibly?) when it’s something that I’m not particularly interested in. This is seriously damaging my academic work. However, I can become obsessive about finding out tiny details about stuff that doesn’t matter- for example I decided that I needed a new bike saddle, so I spent DAYS learning about different types of saddle, how to measure the distance between your ischial tuberosities, searching on eBay for one particular model etc- all this when I am not a particularly keen cyclist, and could have just bought one from Halfords. With nearly every decision in my life I have to do a lot of research, and I still feel anxious that I’m not making the right decision. This makes buying things hard!

In primary school and the beginning of secondary I had very intense (and frankly unhealthy) friendships with one person at a time. Now I have a wider circle of friends and I like spending time with them, but I won’t do things that I don’t enjoy doing (I realise this is selfish, but what’s the point?) and I’m very happy in my own company. I make excuses to avoid going to parties unless it’s a small group of people that I know and like, and we won’t be going clubbing or anything. This could be just me being introverted though?

Finally (and if you’ve read this far I am thankful and impressed!) I some have strange, very intense abdominal pains. These may be psychosomatic in origin as no-one has yet found a cause (despite them being severe enough that I’ve nearly phoned an ambulance on several occasions). It was only when I was writing this that I realised that they began about the same time that I’ve been able to control my behaviour and act in a “less weird” way. Could it be something to do with repressed emotion or something? I’m not too sure I believe in that sort of stuff, but I thought it worth mentioning.

Thanks for reading so far. I would appreciate it if some people could reply and tell me if what I’m feeling is “normal” or sound like ASD and if anyone has any tips for how to get through life. The things I find hardest is that even though I think most of the time what I’m feeling is normal (for example, I DO empathise with people) I find it very difficult to convey to other people what I’m feeling and I sometimes find it hard to understand what they are feeling (and why) unless they make it clear to me.

PS Although nothing has been exaggerated, writing everything down like this has given probably a more extreme view of things, compared to what I am like in everyday life. If you met me in person you would probably not think I was significantly unusual