Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I am a 19 year old female and I was wondering if I could maybe have mild ASD. I am not interested in seeking a formal diagnosis for various personal and practical reasons, but I would like to have a good idea whether I do or not. I did the AQ test (http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/) that I saw mentioned in another post and I scored 32, which is not terribly high, but is still just into the “strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism” category.
I was a rather odd child, and now people don’t seem to notice my “oddness” so much, but I still feel different to other people, I think I’ve just got better at concealing it. This is going to be quite a long list, so sorry!
I had meltdowns as a child. Not your standard tantrums, I would become hysterical/explosive with fear and anger/hatred. My parents (who I have mostly forgiven) did not use the best parenting techniques, but looking back I still feel my reactions were disproportionate, and my younger brother didn’t react anywhere near as strongly.
Up to about 14 I would also refuse to hug or touch people. I gradually have accepted this, and will even voluntary hug my mum sometimes, but I still generally do not like it, and in some situations (dad trying to give me a hug to “cheer me up” is the WORST) I physically can’t stand the contact and want to shove people away and scream “don’t touch me!” (but I don’t)
More recently my “meltdowns” have occurred at secondary school when I was being wound up (again, I acted disproportionately and violently) and in a role-play scenario (this year) where I freaked out because I couldn’t “do it”/deal with the acting. In fact I have a huge aversion to role play which just makes my brain freeze and I’m not sure how to act.
I’ve recently been struggling as well with how to act in professional situations. This is probably because I am new to this, so I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been trying to copy what I’ve seen other people do or on TV, but it’s not working out too well yet, as I’ve been told that I’m a bit overly formal and scripted, which has knocked my confidence and made me nervous about trying. I do emphasize with people, but I find it hard to express my empathy to them and create a good rapport, I’m afraid of looking “fake”, but I’ve also been told that I seem aloof and arrogant, which makes me sad because I’m not like that inside!
I have learnt to recognise if I am struggling (for example, someone refusing to see my point of view in an argument) and remove myself from the situation- if not able to physically leave then I just stop engaging because otherwise it will not end well.
In many ways, I feel different to other people. I do have people that I would consider friends, but we’re just not quite on the same page. In many ways I feel emotionally like a clever/advanced child rather than an adult. I have no interest in sexual relations.
This is probably not ASD related, but I’ll mention it just in case. {Removed by Moderator} I did consider that I might be transgender, especially as I have other masculine traits, but I don’t think it quite fits. I don’t really understand gender as a social construct- I don’t really “see” other people’s genders…in a way I don’t really believe that it exists (much as male and female dogs exist, but I don’t really think that dogs have a “gender identity”). It’s just another part of life that I don’t seem to “get”. My clothing and general appearance choices are not too outlandish, but definitely not influenced by trends or societal norms.
I have a very,very,very short attention span (ADHD possibly?) when it’s something that I’m not particularly interested in. This is seriously damaging my academic work. However, I can become obsessive about finding out tiny details about stuff that doesn’t matter- for example I decided that I needed a new bike saddle, so I spent DAYS learning about different types of saddle, how to measure the distance between your ischial tuberosities, searching on eBay for one particular model etc- all this when I am not a particularly keen cyclist, and could have just bought one from Halfords. With nearly every decision in my life I have to do a lot of research, and I still feel anxious that I’m not making the right decision. This makes buying things hard!
In primary school and the beginning of secondary I had very intense (and frankly unhealthy) friendships with one person at a time. Now I have a wider circle of friends and I like spending time with them, but I won’t do things that I don’t enjoy doing (I realise this is selfish, but what’s the point?) and I’m very happy in my own company. I make excuses to avoid going to parties unless it’s a small group of people that I know and like, and we won’t be going clubbing or anything. This could be just me being introverted though?
Finally (and if you’ve read this far I am thankful and impressed!) I some have strange, very intense abdominal pains. These may be psychosomatic in origin as no-one has yet found a cause (despite them being severe enough that I’ve nearly phoned an ambulance on several occasions). It was only when I was writing this that I realised that they began about the same time that I’ve been able to control my behaviour and act in a “less weird” way. Could it be something to do with repressed emotion or something? I’m not too sure I believe in that sort of stuff, but I thought it worth mentioning.
Thanks for reading so far. I would appreciate it if some people could reply and tell me if what I’m feeling is “normal” or sound like ASD and if anyone has any tips for how to get through life. The things I find hardest is that even though I think most of the time what I’m feeling is normal (for example, I DO empathise with people) I find it very difficult to convey to other people what I’m feeling and I sometimes find it hard to understand what they are feeling (and why) unless they make it clear to me.
PS Although nothing has been exaggerated, writing everything down like this has given probably a more extreme view of things, compared to what I am like in everyday life. If you met me in person you would probably not think I was significantly unusual
I did the AQ test and scored 32 or 33, so went to the Doctor to ask if I could be referred for diagnosis. I then attended a screening appointment with my wife, when I explained my situation I was told as I hold down a job, are married and have 3 children they don't consider it deblitating anough to warrant diagnosis (also the NHS is cutting back here there and everywhere).
As much as I now know it's unlikely to get a formal dianosis of being an Aspie (Which I think I have pretty much decided I am). I have been able to contact varuious people about support and will be attending some courses/lectures so to better help me understand my issues (and my 6 year old son who we suspect is on the spectrum and PDA).
The feelings part of ASD are the bit that are now confusing me as some things I don't feel "bother me" but then when I think back, they really did, sometimes causing me to have outbursts of anger and arguments. In one way being made of aware of Aspegers has helped me but in others i am more confused.
Sorry for crashing on your post, but some of this may be of interest.
I find it funny when originally was posted that the person is not interested in a formal diagnosis and people reply take this to the doctor and Good Luck with getting the diagnosis. It may be helpful to talk to a specialist though, as you do have the option of not getting it diagnosed. In fact, while i was told they can clearly see i was on the spectrum, they asked me if i thought an official diagnosis would actually benefit me in any way as they would not like to diagnose unless it helps me somehow, as the diagnosis can create an unhelpful label with regards to getting work etc as an official diagnosis would have to be mentioned there.
Hi Kumquat,
Thank you for sharing so much of your story. We really appreciate your honesty and hope that we are able to help.
While it is definitely ok to discuss sexual issues please be mindful of others on the forum as they will have different comfort zones with talking about these topics. As a rule of thumb please keep your descriptions general rather than too specific and try to keep them relevant to autism.
Take care,
Avi
Male and female are sex types. They are not gender. Gender is traditionally masculine or feminine, although there are many many non-traditional gender identities.
Why does this matter?
Well, some people don't identify with gender, but we are not trans. We don't want to use new pronouns or take pills and surgery to make our bodies different. We don't want particularly to be seen as another gender. We want to be seen as women or men based on our biology alone. We don't want to be seen as men, just because we wear loose shorts or trainers instead of glittery slippers. (or what ever it is that feminine women are wearing these days.)
Right now, this point of view isn't popular, but I would put forth that it is equally legitamate way of being in the world. It makes me so angry when people assume that I am trans because I don't identify with gender. No. I just identify with my biology over my internal-world in this area. Some people (no-one here) are so brainwashed by popular politics that they can't see how narrow minded and hurtful that they are being.
(My apologies if this is seen as a critism of the above posted. Its really not meant to be. I'm all angry over another incident where someone was mean to me because of the way that I self-identify.)As for the rest of the post, I think you have a good number of symptoms with which to bring to your doctors. Its also safe to say that you are definatly a member of the neuro-atypical club, so congradulations!I came onto this forum to post because I wanted to let you know that I totally understand the tampon thing. It took me years before I could use one, and even more years before I could put anything...um...recreational up there. This is NOT because I'm afraid to be a woman. I have sensory issues and it was painful. I took it slow and I practiced being able to tolerate that sensation on my own. Yes, I'm talking about masterbation, but not always with the goal of orgasm - just getting used to things. I got to the point where I could do so with ease before I became sexual with another person. If you choose to do the same, please know that its OK and there is nothing wrong with you for going at your own rate. Sex is not the be all and end all of life.Good luck with everything!
Hi
and welcome.
The AQ test is designed to pick up on autism as expressed by men. Lots of the questions don't work for autistic women and the questions that would work for us are not there.
The only way to know for sure is to ask your GP to refer you for a diagnosis. My advice would be to write down our reasons for wanting the diagnosis, including reasons why you think you may be autistic, and take them with you to the doctor's appointment.
As for the gender issues its not uncommon for autistic people to feel little identification with traditional gender roles or to see themselves us being neither male nor female. In the US such people increasing choose the use the pronoun 'sie' rather than 'she' or 'he' to refer to themselves.
My own feeling is that we should explore and validate our attitudes to gender rather than trying to conform to neurotypical norms.
I wish you lots of luck and success with the diagnosis journey.