Published on 12, July, 2020
So, hello.
I am a single father to four lovely children. My wife and I separated last July and the children live with me.
My oldest boy is 13 and got his diagnosis of "on the cusp of" Aspergers, around a year ago We are about to go through the assessment process all over again because I don't think his school is taking the "on the cusp" bit that seriously. He seems to get into a lot of trouble for being disorganised, distracted, not always knowing when to stop messing about etc. Since his mum left and all the fighting has stopped at home, he seems to have become a lot more steady. My relationship with him is very good (mostly); I am his most trusted person in the world.
My youngest boy is 8 and is really really 'bouncy'. I have just started the assessment process for him. Initially, I thought there was likely to be something ADHD-ish about him, but more recently, he has taken to flashing with anger, switching off, or putting his hands over his ears and curling up into a ball, when things aren't working for him, or he can't make himself understood. I'm no expert, by any stretch of the imagination, but there is something that just 'feels' like ASD. Hopefully, the referral will put a real expert in front of me, who will be able to point me in the right direction.
I have another 12 year old boy and a 7 year old girl; both pretty NT. It's hard work. I work full time and am a full time father and two of my children have additional needs and I am in the middle of a divorce. I'm not complaining; just acknowledging that it's tough. These are the cards I've been dealt and I wouldn't change anything; I've got my kids, my health and my sanity (mostly) ...what more could a man want.
Oh yeah, my ex-wife is possibly undiagnosed Aspergers as well, which I guess I didn't realise until too late . No regrets though. Things are better the way they are.
I'm good at being a dad and the children are very happy. I'm not really fishing for lots of advice, or tea and sympathy. I speak to a counsellor once a week, who specialises in AS in both adolsecents and adults. BUT, I don't get out much and I miss adult company and having someone to bounce ideas off. So I thought I would sign up and perhaps just hang around here sometimes.
Yeah, apparently, I talk (and write) too much.
Wow! It certainly wasn't meant to be harsh, or disrespectful, or blaming.
We were together for nearly 20 years and in that time, I never worked out that when I got excited about something, or angry about something (unrelated to her) that often she would believe I was angry at her. I never worked out that my planning and organising drove her just as nuts as her lack of structure drove me nuts. I never worked out that she could be furious because of a noisy lightbulb and it was nothing to do with me ...and so on. WE together screwed up our marriage. I only really learned of the existence of Aspergers a couple of years ago. I am still learning.
I imagine that this situation is extremely difficult for their mum, but my main priority now has to be me and the children and I continue to work very hard at keeping her and them in contact, despite her constant tendency to back off from them and blame me for ...well pretty much everything.
Yeah, I realised too late. The damage was done and our marriage was beyond repair. Regrets? No, I can't have regrets. What's done is done and now I have a mamouth task of holding everything together. I ain't got time or the emotional strength to regret and cry over how things have worked out. Trust me, I spent a long time trying to fix us, trying to help her, trying to understand her, trying to make things better, feeling guilty, blaming myself. I have a history of depression and the last couple of years nearly broke me. But I am still here and I need to keep me right and she needs to keep her right - that's the way it is now.
And things most certainly are better now. The tension in this house was killing us all. It is better now for the children. They are happier, steadier and doing better in school, now that we are separate. And the space between their mother and I will hopefully mean that, one day, we are able to exist without friction.
I hope that there are aspie mothers and fathers here and also NT partners to aspies and I hope that I will be able to continue learning from what they have to say. That's the whole point
Thank you for your response and I sincerely hope that I haven't offended anyone (with my very first post )