Published on 12, July, 2020
So, hello.
I am a single father to four lovely children. My wife and I separated last July and the children live with me.
My oldest boy is 13 and got his diagnosis of "on the cusp of" Aspergers, around a year ago We are about to go through the assessment process all over again because I don't think his school is taking the "on the cusp" bit that seriously. He seems to get into a lot of trouble for being disorganised, distracted, not always knowing when to stop messing about etc. Since his mum left and all the fighting has stopped at home, he seems to have become a lot more steady. My relationship with him is very good (mostly); I am his most trusted person in the world.
My youngest boy is 8 and is really really 'bouncy'. I have just started the assessment process for him. Initially, I thought there was likely to be something ADHD-ish about him, but more recently, he has taken to flashing with anger, switching off, or putting his hands over his ears and curling up into a ball, when things aren't working for him, or he can't make himself understood. I'm no expert, by any stretch of the imagination, but there is something that just 'feels' like ASD. Hopefully, the referral will put a real expert in front of me, who will be able to point me in the right direction.
I have another 12 year old boy and a 7 year old girl; both pretty NT. It's hard work. I work full time and am a full time father and two of my children have additional needs and I am in the middle of a divorce. I'm not complaining; just acknowledging that it's tough. These are the cards I've been dealt and I wouldn't change anything; I've got my kids, my health and my sanity (mostly) ...what more could a man want.
Oh yeah, my ex-wife is possibly undiagnosed Aspergers as well, which I guess I didn't realise until too late . No regrets though. Things are better the way they are.
I'm good at being a dad and the children are very happy. I'm not really fishing for lots of advice, or tea and sympathy. I speak to a counsellor once a week, who specialises in AS in both adolsecents and adults. BUT, I don't get out much and I miss adult company and having someone to bounce ideas off. So I thought I would sign up and perhaps just hang around here sometimes.
Yeah, apparently, I talk (and write) too much.
TeeHee. Please don't give it a second thought. Have now worked out how to look at peoples profiles. I too work in IT. Hmmm, IT and ASD, I wonder how often those two go together (it's not so much bluntness with me. It's more innapropriate or ill-timed humour that gets me into trouble).
Yeah, my tendency towards self blame and low self esteem was fuelled by the whole breakup, which is why I chose a counsellor who specialised in AS. I needed to try and work out how much was really my fault, whether any of it might have been about ASD and also try to understand her a bit better (without hating her or feeling the need to help her). I'm getting there ...slowly. There's probably a lot we both could have done diffrently, but neither of us really knew what we were up against. C'est la vie. Like I said, no regrets. All credit to you and your other half for spotting it and getting the diagnosis.
No, my problem is more that I am over stressed and turning into a grumpy old man. Had children when I was reasonably mature, so I qualify, as a quinquagenarian ...but kids are too young for me to go fully into grumpy old man mode ...yet!
Look forward to chatting on the boards
Hi,
I'm sorry that my comment was your first introduction to the site. I know I can be blunt to the point of starting an argument - one reason I had to get diagnosed! However, I also think that people need to be candid and honest in what we say.
Your vivid discription of what went wrong in your marriage is, I suspect, a story that will resonate with people on both sides of the NT-ASD divide. You seem to have some good insight about the causes of the problems. Hopefully you can learn more about the condition and understand some of the triggers and stumbling blocks that sufferers and their families encounter.
:-)
Thanks Crystal / Avi
I have already had a quick look at some posts and am already thinking "ooh, I have something to say about that". But I am no expert. All I really know is some of the things that have worked for me ...and some that haven't. I will certainly take a proper look around the site (in all that free time I have ).
I guess I am not alone in my repertoire of random thoughts:
"This is really hard, too hard"
"I feel like I'm doing everything wrong"
"I don't know whether to throttle him or love him"
"I am so proud of him. I wouldn't change anything about him"
"I wish more people were like him"
It can be very confusing being NT sometimes.
Hi Joe,
A warm welcome and thanks very much for sharing our story. I am sure that everyone appreciates your honesty about your situation.
Don't forget we have lots of parent resources on our website which might come in useful to you.
Take care,
AviModerator
Hi - welcome to the site . I'm an NT with an adult autistic son. There are loads of posts from aspies + NTs about relationships, so do a search if you haven't already. Sounds like you've got your hands full - hope things work out well for all concerned.
Wow! It certainly wasn't meant to be harsh, or disrespectful, or blaming.
We were together for nearly 20 years and in that time, I never worked out that when I got excited about something, or angry about something (unrelated to her) that often she would believe I was angry at her. I never worked out that my planning and organising drove her just as nuts as her lack of structure drove me nuts. I never worked out that she could be furious because of a noisy lightbulb and it was nothing to do with me ...and so on. WE together screwed up our marriage. I only really learned of the existence of Aspergers a couple of years ago. I am still learning.
I imagine that this situation is extremely difficult for their mum, but my main priority now has to be me and the children and I continue to work very hard at keeping her and them in contact, despite her constant tendency to back off from them and blame me for ...well pretty much everything.
Yeah, I realised too late. The damage was done and our marriage was beyond repair. Regrets? No, I can't have regrets. What's done is done and now I have a mamouth task of holding everything together. I ain't got time or the emotional strength to regret and cry over how things have worked out. Trust me, I spent a long time trying to fix us, trying to help her, trying to understand her, trying to make things better, feeling guilty, blaming myself. I have a history of depression and the last couple of years nearly broke me. But I am still here and I need to keep me right and she needs to keep her right - that's the way it is now.
And things most certainly are better now. The tension in this house was killing us all. It is better now for the children. They are happier, steadier and doing better in school, now that we are separate. And the space between their mother and I will hopefully mean that, one day, we are able to exist without friction.
I hope that there are aspie mothers and fathers here and also NT partners to aspies and I hope that I will be able to continue learning from what they have to say. That's the whole point
Thank you for your response and I sincerely hope that I haven't offended anyone (with my very first post )
Crazy Joe said:Oh yeah, my ex-wife is possibly undiagnosed Aspergers as well, which I guess I didn't realise until too late . No regrets though. Things are better the way they are.
Is that a bit harsh? - there is a lot of sympathy here for adult aspies like your wife. Many of the forum participants are aspie mothers (and some fathers) struggling to raise their aspie kids.