Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone my names Steven and i'm 29, i'll try to be as consise and as accurate as i can be and i'd appreciate any feed back, Thank you.
I had trouble being in School as a Child. In Primery School was branded as lasy up until Yr6 where i ended up attending some sort of centre out of School, i can't remember much of this or the feeling though i can remember the inside of my Headmasters Car whom took me there. I now know that his car at the time was a 1st model of the Rover 400 and since i have been able to identify the Stain Glass windows that i remember from that centre in can now identfy the location of this this centre as a result of passing by inprevious years.
At Secondry School i had much the same troubles and from Yr7 to Yr9 i'd moved 2 Schools. I never had any Friends and wasnt able to make any, my interest in certern subjects was quielled by peoples bulling and teachers lach of ability to see or identifiy how interested i was and most were messing about.
From leaving School i went to College and up on Leaning that they were just Teaching me at level 1 after 2 years i left feeling that this was a waste of time and they had let me down, I was under the impession that i was studing level2 after an early departure from School.
From then age of 18 i got my first job at 21 after being unemployed. My first Job was at Tesco on nights filling shelves and doing odd warehouse work while the shop was closed, after 2.5 years i left Tesco. After which i picked up a job as a Maintenance man at McDonalds near my home, id been a customer after each shift at Tesco for 2 years.
My Maintenace job by the end i was responsable of repairs to the fabric of the Building 'more than ican explain here' and contractors for specilist jobs.
I ordered the stock which was around £50,000 a month and orded the operational supplies with a budget of £800 per month though i could achive this easly in £650 per month with strict and reasonable controls and accurate proscedures
After this i started and finished my Taxi Liesence, as i thought i could learn at College and do this as its flexible.
I want to go to college to do Enginnering but worry abut my ability to be able to finish it.
Lately i have no idea whats happend or me or how to explain it, i use to be able to analise things and explain it in a logical context.
Now i feel confused, working on the Taxi 'which has been a year and a half' i have no idea how to process this. it feels like to much has happened i have non idea what to make of it.
I use to be able to put everything into order and now it feels like so much has happend i have no idea what to make of it.
I use to be able to anilise peoples behviour now it feels that its moving to fast for me to anilize.
Any questions Pleas ask as it helps me as much as you thanks Steven...
Hi rr84 Thank you for your reply, patience and understanding.
It was just a 1 hour 10 minutes consultation, most of the questions he asked me i said 'i don't know'. But that may not be the case i just didn't have chance to think about the questions, so broad, in what context? when? i don't know how i feel, i think i'm content?
I'm really quite confused People ask me how i am and i don't know, i don't think i have many feelings that others do, i can be angry, abit happy and confused and thats it, most of this is based on other people being able to describe these and me being able to realise the context.
Social meetings may be a good thing, but i can't get my head around the fact thats what stresses me out, how can it be helpful? I never seem to be aware when i'm getting stressed but ofter it seems to be later when i'm laid in bed trying to make sence of events but can't.
When i think of things i think of efficiency, a net for example, has a perfect vertical and horizontal structure. Pull from the top and bottem and/or either side will will distrobute the loading to maximum efficiency for that structure. However if a compresion or pulling force was applied from either oposing corners this structure would fold. To combat this you would add an x to tie each corner of every square to counter this.
I can't help feeling frustrated that everything has a maximum efficiency and ideal and evolution is learning, finding and exploiting these. Oftern i don't or can't explain the equasions that would be behind this which is frustrating.
I tend to always get to a point where people can't understand my thinking, even profesionals when i can explain my thoughts or logic can't realise it. My minds in a state of trying to improve things and the best conversations i have are with old men that have been in a that has put themat the front of what they do, i can appreciate this. The best conversation i've ever had was with a man called Eric, i picked him up when i was working on the taxi, it was 45miles to his home and he was 82, a former Chemist at ICI and was on the boared of Directors. Such a deep and inteligent conversation, we were one the same wave length with everything, efficiancy, politics such a great mind. There was awarkwardness when he spoke of his family, grandkids i didn't know what to say, off the topic of technicallities who knows, its all strange?
I feel this full thread may be the best thing to show the Autistic team when i see them, most of this 'and indeed this post' has been writtern when ive had a drink, the thoughts and process of this becomes more focused and less destracted and is probably the most sincere thing i can maybe say.
I can't really explain in this depth to my Mum or family, it would never make sence to them, though i thing it would in many respects to my Grandad though we wouldn't be able to communicate on that level.
I think the thing about Autisum or Autistic traits is the need for a definate. If this does not some it up i must be going mad because theres no other explinations. How can i not stand people within 2 meters of me? Why won't my mind stop thinking and problem solving? How can i loose hours and hours laid in bed thinking and it feel like 5 minutes since the last time i looked at the clock even when i havn't slept?
I feel i need to understand to try and develope a stratagy to deal and understand this.
Excuse some of the possible bad spelling and punctuation i gave up after a bit, thankyou for your opinions and thoughts the more infromation i have the more efficiant stratagy i can come up with.
All the best Steven..