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Nocti says hi...

Aaryk Noctivagus
over 10 years ago

Hello, I go by the name of Aaryk Noctivagus (pseudonym) and I am diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum. I am 49. I am Dad to two children who are also on the Autistic Spectrum. I write. I advocate. I compose music. I get under my wife's feet Wink

(I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis and, as a co-morbid, mild prosopagnosia).

I do not know if I have ever posted an intro here before, but I thought I better make sure Innocent

For many weeks now, I have thought to make use of the NAS helpline to talk to somebody about something, but I both hate phones and I find it difficult to face vocally talking about things that distress me - I can sometimes face typing about them but presently I feel exhausted at the prospect.

I feel very very vulnerable these days. Everything is fear and anxiety. I do not think I can be helped... there are solutions but I am too scared to take them. I am a very very difficult person to help - all is fear.

So as not to be so very ambigous or mysterious... my problem is sensory and my neighbours affect it and have made me frightened to move around my house for fear of overload. Certain frequencies of loud music (I know it is such a common problem). Added to that, I hardly dare to speak to the local authorities about it because some of them may use my weaknesses against me - they have already in the past. One official, in writing in a distressing report, wondered how my wife could stand living with me (my wife is very happy in her marriage - she and I are very close and have been for all 26 years).

Crumbs, I am saying more than I intended. I feel so utterly desperate and so utterly trapped and so vulnerable. I know I need help... I know if I email my Social worker, he is likely to ignore my emails... I know if I contact the council (though I did some months ago in a fit of desperation) there is a real risk of nasty people using it against me (because I spend much of my time hiding in my room Frown). 

It is probably all pointless to mention - because I am simply too anxious to do much... because I think it is probably my sensory sensitivities rather than the neighbours much of the time. I'm probably the bad guy and if I get somebody out to witness... well it is one thing thinking I'm probably at fault... but I am too scared to face it being officially confirmed.

I hate being sensory sensitive... and I am embarrassed that I am so difficult to help. I am a complete failure... and I am probably wasting anybodies time even posting.

I intended an intro... and I've only posted here, because I can't face the helpline.

I should be such a happy person. A wonderful and loving wife, two beautiful children... my own home even. But I am afraid of pretty much everything. Meeting me in person, I don't think anybody would see how I feel - I'd speak calmly, with a load of puns, probably, and talking in a scattergun way... branching off on little rabbit trails... I'd probably forget to mention how my heart races when next door starts up, how I shake, how my face flushes, how I feel nauseas... how I dread even moving in my house for superstitious fear that if they hear me, it'll start them up next door (and I am not naturally superstitious and have no reason to think it would start them up).

I am proud to be Autistic. I was diagnosed late in life... after a life of knowing I was 'odd' and those around me knowing I was 'odd' but not being understood... the naughty loner who should try harder - the family ashamed of my behaviour at school, and I couldn't change it. I even was a very late talker 5.5 years... but nobody thought Autism - but this was the 1970s. They put me on drugs in the end... but my mother took me back off them prior to starting senior school (they gave me hallucinations among other things)... well this is a bit more introductory now Laughing

I would not want to not be Autistic, but I would like to have certain aspects of my Autism gone... the sensory sensitivities and the inertia mostly, also the continual anxiety. It would be neat if the prosopagnosia was gone too as that can be embarrassing.

Sorry about the essay... 

  • over 10 years ago

    Have you googled soundproofing? I had my flat done; the installation was discreet and the company agreed that their personel could work in my absence requireing only to be let in and given a key that I would return for when they called me to report they were finished. Neighbours did not know what had been done. Following the instalation, several neighbors became ever more noisy in their, now failing, attempts to discomfort me until they were reported for antisocial behaviour by other residents and evicted...

    I cant remember the installer, but if I can find documents Ill edit this to include; otherwise google... 

  • over 10 years ago

    Hi Electra,

    I am sorry to hear you have been through something similar Frown

    There is an Autism charity and also an Autism organisation I am known to, in the area - both really good. But the problem is if I or my wife go to the council, it could come to unfriendly ears who, we feel, mistreated us as a family in 2013. 

    Regarding my wife, I would not ask her to do that. She is upset about this because she knows it is hurting me. 


    We wrote letters of complaint to the neighbours (no effect)... then to their Landlord (no effect). I am too afraid to even try the next step... incase it is used against me... and because I am scared it would be confirmed that I'm in the wrong for being sound sensitive, rather than my neighbours being insensitive.

    I don't mind the sounds of people or movement... slamming doors I could live with... our other next door once had a barking dog - no problem at all for me. I'm sensitive to bass frequency thuds - and they overload me really quickly. I'm scared of the overload... and guilty about being reduced to hiding in my room Frown 

    I actually woke myself up this morning as I had been dreaming about the noise and the dream woke me up - I've also started feeling the effects of it when it is not there - I get audio flashes though I know they are not real... even the wind hitting the windows at MacDonalds set my heart racing the other day.

    Its just the bass tones of the music muffled through the brick connecting wall.


    I just massively cut a lot of this reply out - I hope it still makes sense... I just said stuff which I don't wish to be so public.

  • over 10 years ago

    That it is malicious has passed through my mind, but I do not know, and most of it is probably lack of any consideration.

    Last time we tried phoning the police, we were told that it was no longer something they dealt with... and that we should contact the Council.

    Thanks for the reply, Outraged Smile 

  • over 10 years ago

    Thank you Coogybear, I will check out those links - I've already opened them on separate tabs Smile

  • over 10 years ago

    Hi,

     I'm reading (albeit very slowly. I'm also Dyslexic>) 'Living Well On The Spectrum' by Valerie Gaus. It's helping me to understand myself in a safer way. By safer, I mean by not having to open up to an unfamiliar therapist etc.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_1

    If you haven't read it, I reccomend giving it a go. It looks at many of the negative aspects surrounding negitive thought processes and how to look at the positives and strengths of the condition. She's also done a book entitled, CBT For adults withAspergers if you think this may also help.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_2

    I was very much where you are a few years back. I've just completed a very sucessful course with a brilliant therapist and I'm begining to manage my emotional responses much better now. Like you, I was also diagnosed late in life and have children on the Spectrum. Please keep the faith that things can get better.

    You are in my thoughts

    Regards

    Coogybear.

  • over 10 years ago

    If you feel its malicious and targeting your sensory sensitivities then you should report the matter to the police as a hate crime

  • over 10 years ago

    Hello Nocti

    Thanks for writing such a long and informative email. I too am very sensitive to noise and have been in a similar position to you as regards my neighbours. That being so I understand your fear and unhappiness. It can be so disabling.

    I'm wondering if there is an autism charity or group in your area who would be willing to be an advocate for you in dealing with the council. Or would your wife be willing to take up the issue and say it was her who was disturbed by the noise?

    Do they play loud music? Or is it running feet and banging doors?