Nocti says hi...

Hello, I go by the name of Aaryk Noctivagus (pseudonym) and I am diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum. I am 49. I am Dad to two children who are also on the Autistic Spectrum. I write. I advocate. I compose music. I get under my wife's feet 

(I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis and, as a co-morbid, mild prosopagnosia).

I do not know if I have ever posted an intro here before, but I thought I better make sure 

For many weeks now, I have thought to make use of the NAS helpline to talk to somebody about something, but I both hate phones and I find it difficult to face vocally talking about things that distress me - I can sometimes face typing about them but presently I feel exhausted at the prospect.

I feel very very vulnerable these days. Everything is fear and anxiety. I do not think I can be helped... there are solutions but I am too scared to take them. I am a very very difficult person to help - all is fear.

So as not to be so very ambigous or mysterious... my problem is sensory and my neighbours affect it and have made me frightened to move around my house for fear of overload. Certain frequencies of loud music (I know it is such a common problem). Added to that, I hardly dare to speak to the local authorities about it because some of them may use my weaknesses against me - they have already in the past. One official, in writing in a distressing report, wondered how my wife could stand living with me (my wife is very happy in her marriage - she and I are very close and have been for all 26 years).

Crumbs, I am saying more than I intended. I feel so utterly desperate and so utterly trapped and so vulnerable. I know I need help... I know if I email my Social worker, he is likely to ignore my emails... I know if I contact the council (though I did some months ago in a fit of desperation) there is a real risk of nasty people using it against me (because I spend much of my time hiding in my room ). 

It is probably all pointless to mention - because I am simply too anxious to do much... because I think it is probably my sensory sensitivities rather than the neighbours much of the time. I'm probably the bad guy and if I get somebody out to witness... well it is one thing thinking I'm probably at fault... but I am too scared to face it being officially confirmed.

I hate being sensory sensitive... and I am embarrassed that I am so difficult to help. I am a complete failure... and I am probably wasting anybodies time even posting.

I intended an intro... and I've only posted here, because I can't face the helpline.

I should be such a happy person. A wonderful and loving wife, two beautiful children... my own home even. But I am afraid of pretty much everything. Meeting me in person, I don't think anybody would see how I feel - I'd speak calmly, with a load of puns, probably, and talking in a scattergun way... branching off on little rabbit trails... I'd probably forget to mention how my heart races when next door starts up, how I shake, how my face flushes, how I feel nauseas... how I dread even moving in my house for superstitious fear that if they hear me, it'll start them up next door (and I am not naturally superstitious and have no reason to think it would start them up).

I am proud to be Autistic. I was diagnosed late in life... after a life of knowing I was 'odd' and those around me knowing I was 'odd' but not being understood... the naughty loner who should try harder - the family ashamed of my behaviour at school, and I couldn't change it. I even was a very late talker 5.5 years... but nobody thought Autism - but this was the 1970s. They put me on drugs in the end... but my mother took me back off them prior to starting senior school (they gave me hallucinations among other things)... well this is a bit more introductory now

I would not want to not be Autistic, but I would like to have certain aspects of my Autism gone... the sensory sensitivities and the inertia mostly, also the continual anxiety. It would be neat if the prosopagnosia was gone too as that can be embarrassing.

Sorry about the essay...