Diagnosed at 50 and struggling to find any positives after a lifetime of negative experiences and perceptions of autism!

Hi, Ilovetea88 . LIke Lonehare12 , I love your user name - and tea! Welcome to this community. Like you, I was diagnosed in my early 50's and it was a great shock. It was like being given an identity without choosing it. Yes, it felt like being exposed, almost stripped naked. I can't remember how long it was before I began reading about this 'thing,' then slowly began to understand what it meant in terms of my life trajectory. One thing I remember my Consultant saying, which has been hugely useful, was that I need to, 'lead a calm and steady life' in order to experience peace and happiness.' This has been spot on. I think recovery of the self is a long process; having a diagnosis is the beginning, like starting a Degree course called, 'selfhood.' I found this very useful, 'The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrom' by Tony Attwood - it has lists of traits and I began by ticking off those I recognised. I realized I was not alone - there were many humans like 'me'. Yes, still human, just a different version. I did not discuss this with anyone - fearing more ridicule. It is a solitary journey of self discovery - but, as you have family, can you share parts with them? I would be careful about sharing other than with close friends or family or therapists.

Over time, diagnosis and reading helped me understand painful, puzzling aspects about my life trajectory; bad choices of relationships, constant changing jobs and moving home, unable to sustain friendships,  feeling isolated as I experienced putdowns like being told I was, 'odd,' 'unnatural, 'naive,' and did 'strange things'. I had felt awkward from childhood, as if living in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was very lonely without knowlng what loneliness meant, only in terms of a constant , painful ache in my chest. My parents were dysfunctional so it was like being launched into an alien world not knowing any rules and being constantly chipped and cut. Diagnosis really was the first step of self acceptance.

I can best explain 'recovery' [ie recovery of life] as being like a broken clock before beginning my own psychological repair shop. Each little cog was examined, cleaned and repaired, until my life clock began running as I wanted it. How did I know things were getting better? Because I began to find peace and happiness. I discovered work I enjoyed, instead of moving jobs hoping to find fulfillment - the same with relationships and moving from town to town. I found work unusual for a woman in those days; running an engineering stores, buying trade tools, security guard, later a therapist. I discovered life worked best when I organised my days using lists and journals. I began writing age 10 and years later, by chance, became an author. Writing has always been a great solace - and as authors are renowned 'eccentrics', I had an 'excuse' to be different yet part of a group. I found NAS chat site recently and it has been a huge boon - sharing ideas, hopefully giving good advice and useful information and receiving the same. Sharing ideas and experiences has been psychologically healing and gives me great pleasure day to day. We all need to be part of a community and this has been my most useful discovery. I live outside the world but my virtual connections have been more meaningful to me than people I'd known for years - yet never been able to connect with.

Take things a day at a time and consider diagnosis as a gift - a new beginning, a blank sheet of paper, the first page in your new Book of LIfe, the Book of You.   

I found the assessment hard work too. It was only 5 months ago so I am still in the post-assessment mode

I understand what you mean about about character flaws seemingly being exposed. I thought to myself at times, at and between the assessment sessions, this is like being asked to take you clothes off in public. Since then I have been applying the "you really are autistic" result seriously but slowly. Only my partner knows and the NHS have been informed. What is most important for me, at the moment, is to gently and slowly allow the assessment result to sink in.

I have had 70+ years of being a certain me and, quite frankly, it has been at times difficult, tiring, depressing, painful, miserable, exhausting, with regular 2-3 year burnouts, etc. For me, the assessment explains why a lot of this has happened.     

I do re-read the full assessment document as it has comments I made at the time and I say to myself "that is so like me". For instance, something I said in the assessment about "always getting very absorbed when making things..." was paraphrased in the assessment as "a very single-focused attentional processing preference". So now, I am not just a person who "really likes making things" but "a person with a very single-focused attentional processing preference". What was just a pastime now has meaning and significance.  And it feels great! 

If an assessment confirms to a person that are not the person they always thought they were, then I suppose there is bound to be a period of re-adjustment. 

So I hope things get easier for you with time. 

Hi llovetea88, 

I am glad you have received your ASD diagnosis. The diagnosis process can be very difficult and it can be an intense emotional period after receiving your diagnosis. 

if you would like it may be helpful to read our pages on after the diagnosis which talks through how the experience may be and also about talking to people about your diagnosis as well as the support you can access: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

It may be helpful to talk through your struggles with someone outside of your friends and family and you can read up on potential therapy you can seek out here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/seeking-help

I hope you also find the replies from the community helpful. 

Best wishes,

Alice mod 

Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community! 

Following diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. After getting over that initial impact, my own late diagnosis turned out to be the start of a new journey of learning and adapting. I'd suggest taking extra care to be patient to, and kind with, yourself - and to take your time with processing everything.

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months, and others covering the kinds of support that you can access. You might find them helpful as a starting point:

NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis - includes perspectives from other autistic people

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis - including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

Therapy or counselling are often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. If you prefer, depending on where you are in the UK, you might instead be able to self refer for talking therapy on the NHS. 

Before arranging anything, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

Finally, I'll just mention a couple of books that I and others have found helpful early on in our post-diagnosis journeys:

Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!

How to Be Autistic (free download currently available via this page)

HiIlovetea88 and welcome great username BTW.

 I’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, it’s been about a year. My main areas of struggle are communicating socially and maintaining friendships too.

I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without my therapist, like you i didn’t share my struggles with anyone so talking has been a slow process but it’s helped tremendously.

Its a lot to have to process so don’t be too hard on yourself, take things slowly and find people who understand the experience, you’ve already found this place but what about some in person groups locally, maybe?