Diagnosed at 50 and struggling to find any positives after a lifetime of negative experiences and perceptions of autism!

Hi, Ilovetea88 . LIke Lonehare12 , I love your user name - and tea! Welcome to this community. Like you, I was diagnosed in my early 50's and it was a great shock. It was like being given an identity without choosing it. Yes, it felt like being exposed, almost stripped naked. I can't remember how long it was before I began reading about this 'thing,' then slowly began to understand what it meant in terms of my life trajectory. One thing I remember my Consultant saying, which has been hugely useful, was that I need to, 'lead a calm and steady life' in order to experience peace and happiness.' This has been spot on. I think recovery of the self is a long process; having a diagnosis is the beginning, like starting a Degree course called, 'selfhood.' I found this very useful, 'The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrom' by Tony Attwood - it has lists of traits and I began by ticking off those I recognised. I realized I was not alone - there were many humans like 'me'. Yes, still human, just a different version. I did not discuss this with anyone - fearing more ridicule. It is a solitary journey of self discovery - but, as you have family, can you share parts with them? I would be careful about sharing other than with close friends or family or therapists.

Over time, diagnosis and reading helped me understand painful, puzzling aspects about my life trajectory; bad choices of relationships, constant changing jobs and moving home, unable to sustain friendships,  feeling isolated as I experienced putdowns like being told I was, 'odd,' 'unnatural, 'naive,' and did 'strange things'. I had felt awkward from childhood, as if living in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was very lonely without knowlng what loneliness meant, only in terms of a constant , painful ache in my chest. My parents were dysfunctional so it was like being launched into an alien world not knowing any rules and being constantly chipped and cut. Diagnosis really was the first step of self acceptance.

I can best explain 'recovery' [ie recovery of life] as being like a broken clock before beginning my own psychological repair shop. Each little cog was examined, cleaned and repaired, until my life clock began running as I wanted it. How did I know things were getting better? Because I began to find peace and happiness. I discovered work I enjoyed, instead of moving jobs hoping to find fulfillment - the same with relationships and moving from town to town. I found work unusual for a woman in those days; running an engineering stores, buying trade tools, security guard, later a therapist. I discovered life worked best when I organised my days using lists and journals. I began writing age 10 and years later, by chance, became an author. Writing has always been a great solace - and as authors are renowned 'eccentrics', I had an 'excuse' to be different yet part of a group. I found NAS chat site recently and it has been a huge boon - sharing ideas, hopefully giving good advice and useful information and receiving the same. Sharing ideas and experiences has been psychologically healing and gives me great pleasure day to day. We all need to be part of a community and this has been my most useful discovery. I live outside the world but my virtual connections have been more meaningful to me than people I'd known for years - yet never been able to connect with.

Take things a day at a time and consider diagnosis as a gift - a new beginning, a blank sheet of paper, the first page in your new Book of LIfe, the Book of You.   

Hi, Ilovetea88 . LIke Lonehare12 , I love your user name - and tea! Welcome to this community. Like you, I was diagnosed in my early 50's and it was a great shock. It was like being given an identity without choosing it. Yes, it felt like being exposed, almost stripped naked. I can't remember how long it was before I began reading about this 'thing,' then slowly began to understand what it meant in terms of my life trajectory. One thing I remember my Consultant saying, which has been hugely useful, was that I need to, 'lead a calm and steady life' in order to experience peace and happiness.' This has been spot on. I think recovery of the self is a long process; having a diagnosis is the beginning, like starting a Degree course called, 'selfhood.' I found this very useful, 'The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrom' by Tony Attwood - it has lists of traits and I began by ticking off those I recognised. I realized I was not alone - there were many humans like 'me'. Yes, still human, just a different version. I did not discuss this with anyone - fearing more ridicule. It is a solitary journey of self discovery - but, as you have family, can you share parts with them? I would be careful about sharing other than with close friends or family or therapists.

Over time, diagnosis and reading helped me understand painful, puzzling aspects about my life trajectory; bad choices of relationships, constant changing jobs and moving home, unable to sustain friendships,  feeling isolated as I experienced putdowns like being told I was, 'odd,' 'unnatural, 'naive,' and did 'strange things'. I had felt awkward from childhood, as if living in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was very lonely without knowlng what loneliness meant, only in terms of a constant , painful ache in my chest. My parents were dysfunctional so it was like being launched into an alien world not knowing any rules and being constantly chipped and cut. Diagnosis really was the first step of self acceptance.

I can best explain 'recovery' [ie recovery of life] as being like a broken clock before beginning my own psychological repair shop. Each little cog was examined, cleaned and repaired, until my life clock began running as I wanted it. How did I know things were getting better? Because I began to find peace and happiness. I discovered work I enjoyed, instead of moving jobs hoping to find fulfillment - the same with relationships and moving from town to town. I found work unusual for a woman in those days; running an engineering stores, buying trade tools, security guard, later a therapist. I discovered life worked best when I organised my days using lists and journals. I began writing age 10 and years later, by chance, became an author. Writing has always been a great solace - and as authors are renowned 'eccentrics', I had an 'excuse' to be different yet part of a group. I found NAS chat site recently and it has been a huge boon - sharing ideas, hopefully giving good advice and useful information and receiving the same. Sharing ideas and experiences has been psychologically healing and gives me great pleasure day to day. We all need to be part of a community and this has been my most useful discovery. I live outside the world but my virtual connections have been more meaningful to me than people I'd known for years - yet never been able to connect with.

Take things a day at a time and consider diagnosis as a gift - a new beginning, a blank sheet of paper, the first page in your new Book of LIfe, the Book of You.