Feeling a little lost and alone

I think it depends what state you are in when you get diagnosed. I'd reached the end of the line, I was burnt out and depressed (not for the first time), had buried too much, had dysfunctional thoughts, was numb apart from occasional intense emotions, I could only work at 30% of normal (I kept it up to give me a routine), blood tests confirmed my hormones were all over the place, was struggling with executive function, my speech was getting worse, etc.

I initially didn't want to accept there was anything wrong, but the evidence kind of kept piling up.

I got formally diagnosed so I couldn't convince myself it was nothing really and try and bury it again.

It took a while to accept, due to ... reasons, but it is what it is. Denying it will just put me back in burnout and I can't do it again.

My point is that you are not a failure. You have to play the cards you are dealt. The skill is to work out how to do all the things you want in a smart way. Not knowing is the thing that really screws you up as you just plough on and ignore your body.

It doesn't stop you doing things, it just means you need to be smarter and set some boundaries, know when to push and when to relax. But crucially, not to feel bad about saying no, not to feel bad about needing alone time, not to take everything so damn seriously, and don't compare yourself to other people.

Cut yourself some slack. Some self-compassion goes a long way. 

That you are worried about how well you will do means you'll be fine. Its not worrying that would be the problem.

Hi, thank you for this! I already feel like I've connected with some really knowledgeable people, and makes the next stages in life feel more easier because I've got branches to reach out and speak too!

Im definitely going to look into another therapist then, maybe I did have the wrong one and your right I have to treat them like a job and chose the right one! I think i'm making a start and going in the right path but an expert in the mind is probably very helpful when I all gets messed up and a little bit dark

also really like your advice to make a list for work on what could work for me when speaking to them. I believe they will help support where they can and it is better to ask for help before drowning.

i really appreciate your advice and kind words towards me today!  

Thank you so much for your message and time to reply, as someone who doesn't get emotional very often reading yours has brought a tear to my eye and shown me again, I am ok who I am and now find a way to be the best me!

I will definitely pop them podcast on YouTube and dive in to learning more about Autism and helping me understand myself and now my daughter. The worlds is open and more welcoming to Autism but we still have so much to learn. I am excited in a way to do this journey with my daughter as well but it's just very tough somedays

but thank you again it's helping me build the strength to go on this :)

Thank you for your reply and sharing your start to the Autism journey, it's already been really refreshing and helpful today reading I'm not the only one. It really is crazy the phases you go through after a diagnosis I feel it's only really settling down now and I can deal with it better. In the process of accepting who I am and I am me.

It's hard with children especially having put more pressure on myself having a daughter with Autism, I've put this pressure on I have to be successful now and be her role model I have to win each day but in reality no one wins each day and I need to show her real life, struggle and emotions as you say.

Thank you again for your words of support, I think I will get round to telling work. As I'm sure they will support me but in a little bit of the denial stage and want to mask and be like everyone els in the office but I think I know they accept me for who I am and would offer slight changes if needed to support me.

Today has felt emotional opening up about my struggles and reading messages from a community that this page looks life has given me some strength and comfort today. Appreciate your time to reply really!

I received my autism diagnosis almost 2 years ago. I went through several emotional 'phases'. The initial relief and joy of getting the diagnosis and the validation that I was right, I was autistic not any of the other things people thought might be. Then the confusion of not really knowing what being autistic actually meant and not knowing who I was anymore. Then the doubt - did they get it wrong, maybe I'm not really autistic, maybe I said something wrong to make them think I am but I'm really not. Now I think I'm just starting to accept that I am 'me' and that I am my own self, being autistic is part of 'me' but it doesn't define me.

I don't have children but I really don't think you are letting your daughter down. It's best to let her see your real emotions, see how you feel and how you manage your emotions. It's much better to be honest about how you feel than try to cover it up and pretend everything is ok. If you are honest and open about your mental health struggles, it will show your daughter that she can be open about how she feels too. Being honest and open about your feelings is a strength not a weakness.

Don't forget that it's your choice how much you share at work. You are under no obligation to tell them that you are autistic. Personally I have shared my diagnosis with my manager and the rest of my (small) team. They are all lovely, several of us are neuro divergent and we are a very supportive team. I found that telling people that I am autistic has allowed me to get support at work and has opened up conversations with other people who are neuro divergent which has been really helpful. But it's your choice and the decision you make will depend how much you trust your manger and your colleagues. 

Welcome to the community here.

jsneddon92 said:

Still to tell my boss, even tho I know I'm struggling in a new role.

Have you notified the HR dept yet? This is the best place to start and ask how to have the conversation with your boss as they may have a procedure for this. They may also have no clue but it is worth a try.

Before that boss conversation I would think what things in the workplace cause you issues - really write them down in a list and try to write beside them exactly what it is about each that cause you issues and what these issues are.

Having captured that on paper you can start to add notes on what could make them easier for you. Some will be easy (eg softer lighting, being able to wear headphones in the office, having a fixed start time, lunch break etc. 

Some will be less practical, such as getting the whole team to be explicit in their requests from you, explaining things clearly every time etc so you will have to manage your expectations on what they will offer.

Make sure the meeting with your boss is minuted - ask for someone to be there to take the minutes if you feel unsure you can manage it all at once.

jsneddon92 said:

I feel like I've let my daughter down by not owning my Autism

We are only human and all have out failings, but you have identified it and taken steps to correct it which is all anyone can ask. Be that better person from now on and give yourself the credit for what you are achieving.

You have to learn first before you can really be the best version of yourself and help your daughter so don't expect this to be an immediate, siesmic shift.

jsneddon92 said:

Tried therapy but not really getting me anywhere

I found therapy was the single best thing I ever did, but it has to be with a therapist who really understands autism (preferrably with autistic children themselves) who has walked that walk and has learned how to be the help you need.

If you don't have that yet then change therapists. Interview them before committing and make sure they have the credentials. In essence treat it like a work project and be sure you are getting the right person.

You are doing all the right things now - admitting your issues then owning them, understanding your commitments then finding ways to fulfill them and seeking help in doing all this the best way you can.

We are here for you, whatever you need to ask or talk about.

Whatever it is you need, you got this!

I'll pray for you. That sounds tough. I don't have any children and am a lot older than you. Perhaps listening to Auticate might help - it's a youtube channel which has a lighthearted look at autism and it's challenges and often free downloads of suggestions to cope etc. It's a man who explains the issues and his wife speaks sometimes too. It looks at the good side of autism too and how to make the best out of the struggles. 

I am still waiting on my diagnosis and this channel helped me accept that I am before even getting the final piece of paper. For my part, my advice is learn about autism, the good the bad and the ugly so to speak and then you can have some self awareness. Also Mom on the spectrum youtube channel might help you she is autistic and has two autistic children. 

Be gentle with yourself you did not let your daughter down. You were just exploring and learning yourself. It's normal to be shocked or upset and repelled by part of us we don't understand. Help yourself understand and that will lighten the burden and help you see the superpower of autism in yourself and your daughter. 

God bless you