Waiting for assessment, worried I wont fit in here.

Again thank you for sharing this. I’m going to read it properly again to get your experience inside my head and make myself some notes. I want this assessment, but I am also scared. 

The autistic tribe is the only tribe I’ve ever felt myself and safe to be myself, your post is written wonderfully. Don’t worry about not fitting in here this is a place for you, good luck with your assessment it’s a long emotional process but whatever you feel in the weeks to come is very much valid.

Based on my experience, I can only offer the suggestions that:

• You may doubt your eligibility because you have never previously been encouraged to accept the potential truth of your autistic status
• You are more worried about misrepresenting yourself to an authority figure since you suspect most people outside of your mind will dismiss your evidence, regardless of its integrity
• You do not identify with autistic representation in popular media, so are steeling yourself for rejection, something you may well be used to
• The medical criteria is often portrayed as proving deficit

For balance, my experience was:

• A very open and patient person showing professional interest in my wellbeing
• A qualified professional validating the assumptions I had made, based on 42 years' lived experience
• A calm, one-to-one conversation with no sense of urgency to reach a conclusion
• No expectation of eye contact, etc.; focus on words
• Exactly the kind of informal space to be yourself and fairly represent your answers, including some very upsetting memories, dozens of new suggestions exploding as you talk and think

It isn't easy, but it is necessary to reach the answer you seek. An irony I keep enjoying is that I am so autistic that I would not accept that I was autistic until a qualified professional permitted me to become openly autistic. From what I have read here and elsewhere, fear of allowing yourself to become your true self is totally normal, and the phase of removing the disguise you've worn for a long time is truly draining. I am doing it while being a working parent and volunteer, leaving very little time and energy to address the scope of internal change taking place. Yet I am already profoundly lighter and happier living as my autistic self, including the inability to ignore a dripping tap or distant car engine.

I hope this information can help accurately represent the experience, so you can accept that the inevitable discomfort may lead to a happier life. Although I am not a consistently sociable person, reading posts from this community have helped me a great deal, and that is far more pragmatically valuable than 'aww' posts from well meaning allistic people I know.

Thank you for this reply. It’s made me feel a bit emotional, I am scared that I will get the assessment wrong or won’t show up properly due to masking or they will struggle to get any coherent answers out of me. I am going to read your reply again and maybe I will have some more questions to ask you. Again, thank you

Absolutely.

Firstly, I received a personalised email confirming my assessment date, which was within the quote week count. There was an opportunity to reschedule if the date did not suit me, or my informant. I replied to confirm the date, then logged in weekly to ProblemShared to avoid risk of automated cancellation.

Secondly, I received confirmations of the time of the two sessions via email; Autism: ADOS/Observational Session - RTC, and Feedback Session - RTC. My informant received theirs too, to their nominated email address.

Thirdly, I received loads of reminders, which is probably handy for the more ADHD persons among us. I added a date to my work and personal calendars, and assumed all would be well.

I tested the online meeting tool ahead of the assessment session to ensure audio and video were fine. They were.

On the day of assessment, I started the observational session at 09:30, and my eyes started streaming immediately, mainly since I already knew I was in the right place, in the direction of self-knowledge, and acceptance. My assessor had years of experience, and a friendly, patient, reassuring tone that put me at ease. They had read my questionnaires, and my informant's questionnaires, and related the standard questions to my previous answers.

The assessment session was scheduled for 90 minutes but I spoke in more detail than many of their clients. Some of the questions led me to more tears as I remembered my younger selves stumbling through school, work, social situations, and mental health challenges. Throughout, I was given time to recompose, and opportunity to elaborate on some questionnaire responses, and newer, verbal questions.

When it ended, I returned to remote working in the gap between sessions. During this time, my assessor had spoken to my informant's assessor.

At 15:00, I nervously stared at the screen as I received the big, new truth I wasn't sure I wanted, meeting all of the DSM criteria, and inadvertently high masking for so long, letting myself be true to what how I want to be still feels unwarranted, avoidable, delicate, massively emotional, sensitive, every trait I had buried for so long.

At the end, I had various options for post-diagnosis support, and I opted for a series of webinars. These are also operated by ProblemShared, and the first was very helpful indeed, run by two Neurodivergent persons with all the theory plus the life experience. We were also encouraged to leave a TrustPilot review, which I did, since I am deeply grateful for the access to a straightforward assessment pathway that did not exist when I was young.

If I can offer any further detail to help you prepare, please let me know.

You sound like my kind of person, ear plugs, nature loving. I am awaiting assessment and really wish it could happen sooner. I hope you like it here. I have found it affirming and have many moments where I read people’s posts and think ‘oh that’s just like me!’ 

Oh you are the first person I have seen on here saying they were assessed by Problem shared. I am awaiting assessment by them, have done all the questionnaires, am expecting assessment after Christmas. Can I ask you how it went? 

Hi,

Just joined and saw you post, you have said so eloquently how I have felt exactly for many years, right down to telling my therapist I felt like an alien. I'm sure we will find like  minded people here but in case you don't know that there is at least one other who is just like you, I am 39 also but have not put in for a formal assesment yet. Still doing my research and interviewing family who seem to struggle to recognise things like my verbal ticks, hand movements when questioned and I have to give 3 or 4 examples before they say "oh yes I have seen that but that's just how you are."

I look at it this way, they love me and they think it will somehow hurt my feelings pointing it out these obviously not normal things that I do, so they block them out and focus on the things that I am good at in a protective sort of way.

Anyway, best of luck finding what your looking for, you are definitely not alone.

Hello and I am new to the Autistic community here.  I am 56 and two months ago had my diagnosis. Both my parents died in the past 18 months so had no one to join my 5 hour assessment. But it was handled so sympatheticly and my husband was able to support me.  I, like you have felt so 'seperate' all my life, never fitting in, not many friends,  having hobbies that are obsessive and needing days recovery after a single event.   And I too love the majesty of trees and nature and how safe they make me feel.  And aren't ear plugs are an absolute life saver.  I really hope your assessment goes as smoothly as mine did.  will be thinking of you. 

Have you already received some kind of survey?

I found the format reassuring;

• [Here's the question related to an assessable autistic trait, please provide your answer]
• [My answer]

Perhaps the first job application for which I met 100% of the skills and experience criteria.

The more I addressed the questions, the more I could feel a clarification of idenitity welling in my tearducts. As soon as my assessment began, I was crying since I knew I was right about my suspicions, and upset that I had not believed my instincts for so long. It was also validating to know that the assessor had read my submissions and understood that the interaction was not a mutual waste of time.

Oh I love learning too. I don't seem to ever give myself time off- which is not healthy because I end up getting overwhelmed. I am a reflexologist- specialising in fertility, and am currently doing a counselling degree. This takes up most of my time at the moment. I'm still enjoying but It doesn't give me much time to paint or collect bugs (and paint those too) which makes me feel like life is not quite as fulfilling as it should be. Weird hey?!

There you go, you're fitting in just fine.

What do you like doing in your spare time? Me, I like reading (anything) as long as I'm learning (anything). This weekend, I'm reading The Hottest Girl at Burn Camp by Krystal Evans. Talk about crazy moms!

(Don't mind me. I like to make a joke of everything. Not sure why.)

This ‘tribe’ is the only tribe ive ever felt i belonged to. It was such a relief to realise i was autistic and that im not alone - that there are other people who are similar to me in lots of ways. I hope your experience is similarly positive. Welcome to the tribe

Hi and welcome! Doesn't matter, what the diagnostic team tells you, there is a place here for you anyway. In my case I hear from my mom that im very different,  special, creative etc but in her opinion I absolutely can't be autistic.  It's OK, I don't talk to her about it anymore. I talk to her about aliens instead. I often also feel like I don't fit here, but I have my profile for quite some time and with some breaks i always come back. At least here my quirks get accepted and I also often find myself In someone else's story. That's validating and important.

I honestly just panicked. I think I take things way too seriously. (Missed the 'joke' bit at the beginning!) 

Cooling off again now 

My poor head. 

Hehe... I feel welcome already! x

Thank you x

Thanks for writing back. That's quite reassuring to hear. Sorry you've not had quite the support you needed.x