"Female" autism and "coming out" at 40

so I think I am similar. I have filled in all the forms and sent off via Right to choose. While I am waiting to hear back I have done a very deep dive into all things autism. I have had some wobbles when I don’t think I can be autistic and I worry I am taking up space where an actual autistic person could be. I don’t know…. So many thoughts and worries but just need to be patient. 

I expect that's the logic.

But given autism is quite broad, it does mean they miss out on computing, networking and engineering people.

I expect some of he best R&D people are also ND.

I have paid more than my fair share of tax. I might have made more, used it better and done better on a personal level, and avoided some mental issues, but from the state's perspective I have been a net contributor model citizen for decades.

Tink said:

No plans to move countries but I will keep that in mind. I wonder why? Are we such a drain on resources?! 

I think it is a higher level thing than specifically about autism, but the country probably doesn't want people coming who are potentially going to be a drain on their health services and social services.

If they are "shopping" for high value immigrants then they want high earners who will bring skills and tax dollars to the country and be low overhead for support.

If you look at it like they are running a business then there is a logic to it.

Of course you are obsessed, it's your new special interest. I don't think you'd be autistic if you didn't try to find out as much as you could. I have spent quite a lot of time too. I think it will wane once you've got what you want. Just go with it.

I have no idea how long it takes to rebalance. I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago and got my report yesterday. It recommends additional therapy. I also have some books I want to read.

The report is pretty compelling, and I'd thought they'd say I didn't meet the criteria.

I apparently do quite a lot of camouflaging and have "a remarkable degree of self-observations and adaptation". 

I am not sure what I am going to do or change. I'm going to allow myself 6 months.

Now I know, I am becoming more comfortable with it. I am trying to process all the past. Most of it is done. 

You’re not alone with feeling like it “kind of falls flat.” I got that feeling a lot when telling family. It’s interesting because it’s such an important thing to you, especially after all the research you do into it, and then the other person is just like “so?”

I think that might be right. How do I slow down? 

I’ve only told a few people - and honestly telling them hasn’t been massively helpful because it kind of falls flat, it’s not as big for them as it is for me. 

I'm reading everything I can on the topic, following all the influencers and becoming completely obsessed but I can’t seem to stop. 

Thank you. I appreciate this (and I like the listing!). No plans to move countries but I will keep that in mind. I wonder why? Are we such a drain on resources?! 

I am just thinking of close friends who have known me for years. I want to be authentic with them but I am most nervous about telling them because the friendships mean so much to me and I worry they might back off or treat me differently.

A new thought about this for Asparagus is whether you might be doing too much too soon? Perhaps 'coming out' too quickly before you have fully processed the news and what it means for you could be leading to more dysregulation than you'd otherwise have perhaps?

Try reading Gina Ripon's books, they're about autism in women

Hello Tink!

So a few things (sorry, I like listing my thoughts)

1. As for being scared of it being on your medical record: The only downfall I am aware of this is that you might not be able to move to certain countries (ex. New Zealand) with an Autism diagnosis. Ridiculous laws, I know, but it is a big problem for some. Other than that I imagine there should be no other downside to having it on your medical record.

2. There’s no rush to tell people, but I get the urge to tell the whole world. Start with your family, then gauge whether you have other safe people to tell. I really only tell people if I know they’re not in the “anti-vaccine” camp (which is a huge problem here in the States).

3. Your entire second paragraph resonates with me lol. I felt the same kaleidoscope of emotions after my diagnosis. Mostly positive, but some confusion and uncertainty mixed in.

Hi there,

I am in a similar place. But in my early 50's. I have just filled in all the forms for a diagnosis after having a creeping realisation I was autistic which has probably lasted 12 months or so. I was in utter denial that my traits were autism despite fighting for my daughter to get the right diagnosis and support for nearly 5 years! I have learnt just about everything there is to know about autism, including doing a qualification in it to help my daughter but had total blindness when it came to applying my knowledge to myself. I laugh at it now, of course. My husband would accuse me of being autistic all the time but I also laughed this off. (Face in palm moment).

I am feeling a huge amount of relief currently. When the penny finally dropped and I had to admit to myself that I was, in fact, autistic I literally felt that the whole Universe had shifted on its axis. I felt disorientated, a bit spaced out but also slightly elated; which is very strange. I would almost say I felt excited. Finally I had an explanation of why I felt different to everyone else and actually I felt really liberated by this. I quite like this happier version of me actually.

I don't feel there is a huge amount on unmasking to do at the moment because, at home at least, I feel completely myself. I am really desperate to tell people, especially family but feel I can't yet as I am not formally diagnosed and I really don't think they will believe me. I am grappling with   whether I will ever tell anyone outside of the family however. I don't know the answer to that yet. Or even if I will tell my GP. I am having a private assessment purely because I am scared of it being on my medical record and I do not know the implications of this.

I would be reading up as much as possible to be ready to support your children for sure. Start a diary of traits or situations where they don't cope and start dating this and keeping a good record because you will need this later on to refer to if you eventually want to request a needs assessment and EHCP for them. Are they meeting their developmental milestones (and the answer could be yes), do they hate the supermarket, baby groups (noise), do they play alongside other children or with them? What are their speech and language skills etc. Anything you see that you feel could be a reflection of autism. Then you are pre-armed just in case for the future : )

Hello Asparagus!

Is that Devon Price audiobook “Unmasking Autism” by chance? I read that book and adored it. I’m cisgender, too, but I really enjoyed hearing about his differing life experiences and seeing how some of it parallels with mine. I’m a little left-leaning myself, though.

1. It took a little time, maybe a few years for me to really be comfortable being Autistic? I reacted to the diagnosis very positively, but it took a little time to sink in because I’ve lived most of my life diagnosed with ADHD (previously ADD) only. Having ASD added on reframed a lot of how I perceived myself.

2. So I’m totally comfortable unmasking around my safe people. Fortunately for me a lot of my stims and social ineptitudes come off as just quirky, not disruptive or strange. Ex. my main stim is bouncing my leg, which most people don’t even notice. I think it’s easy for me because I’ve always unknowingly unmasked around safe people my whole life and masked whenever I feel uncomfortable.

3. I’ve never really experienced an out-of-body experience quite like that, but I do get deja vu surprisingly often.

4. Ooo I had a very similar situation with my kids. I have two daughters, C (age 7 diagnosed with ASD/ADHD) and R (age 4, NT? Maybe OCD?). With C we started suspecting she was Autistic shortly after I was diagnosed. She was so incredibly late with her milestones, it even took more than a year to potty train her. She ended up diagnosed around age 4ish. We didn’t inform her that she was diagnosed until she was around 6, which we slowly helped her to realize it by talking about how I and other people have Autism. She eventually came to her own conclusion that “I think I have Autism, too!” One thing I would like to make clear is that even if your child is missing milestones right now, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be behind in everything. C still has some social skills/emotional regulation things to work through, but she’s becoming pretty advanced in reading/math and is really talented as a singer.

It’s great to meet you and I wish you the best!

1) Working out that I was autistic and being subsequently diagnosed was an almost entirely positive experience for me. Not only did it answer questions about why I didn't fit well into society, why I was always slightly off-kilter, and why I had various difficulties, it also introduced me to a whole community of people who also always cut those unbearable pesky labels out of all items of clothing! 

2) Masking has worked well for me, it means I am more effective, more accepted and more socially successful in neurotypical society. Masking does not cause me distress, it is just a bit exhausting. I have seen in various autism community sources how unmasking is a panacea for all that ails autistic people. This perplexed me for a while. Then I worked out that I am the product of my biology, autistic, and my experiences, a lifetime of masking/camouflaging. Therefore my camouflaging is as much a part of me as my autism and I rejected unmasking as being both counterproductive socially and not achievable for me anyway. I have dismissed it. I have always masked and done weird things and I continue to do both.

3) Being an autistic in a neurotypical world means that we do not do not follow many of the unwritten social rules unconsciously, like neurotypicals do. What we do is 'constant vigilance'. We scan social interactions constantly to work out what is acceptable and appropriate, then do our best to copy. We are essentially following a script and stage directions that we have worked out from observation. In everyday life we are actors. This is why socialising is often exhausting, being onstage all day would exhaust the most competent actor.

As well as being autistic myself, both my children are neurodivergent (one ADHD, the other autistic). I think that neurodivergent parents have a natural insight into how to treat their neurodivergent children, that is often superior to that of neurotypical parents, however well intentioned. I would not be too anxious about this. For example, like me at a young age, my autistic daughter was very picky about food, and initially had a very restricted variety of food she would eat. We were not unduly alarmed at this, we just kept negotiating at meal times, "Try one pea, if you don't like it, OK". Slowly, it increased the range of food she would eat until by 7 or 8 years she was eating a very wide variety of foods. 

Hello and welcome.

Jumping to 4):

- include children in whatever happens to be going on (less concern about activities or entertainment for a "2 year old", rather, bias to their access to your time),

- expose them to the widest range of experiences, the communication and problem-solving involved, share examples of your passions and interests, demonstrating that we do all sorts of things (albeit, in the manner which best supports our neurodivergent experiences of our environment),

- the toy shop does not necessarily have the source of the best of all fun (have cardboard boxes etc. available to transform into whatever has captured their imagination and attention),

- pets (or visits to friends with a pet) are important (experience the non-judgemental relationship animals share with humans),

- consider access to diverse "good match" role model adults - as they need not just be relatives (it is not unusual for neurodivergent children to enjoy the company of age groups beyond their own one),

- invest in well functioning weather-suitable outer wear (embrace time spent outdoors - even a humble folding sit mat, each, can become the liberating piece of equipment in each person's backpack),

- encourage some periods of the day / week where the child can relax solo (relaxation is not laziness as it is essential maintenance).

Hi Asparagus 

I am quite new here approximately 18 months to 2 years.
I can give you some brief experiences of my own but just know that things may well be different for you. I am not in a great way at the moment as I’m in hospital with an abscess inside my throat and have been very anxious with lots of meltdowns and very emotional. 
I will try my best.

Most of what you talk about I can very much relate to, unmasking is difficult when you have used it for so long. I truly believe you lose your identity and that’s a journey I guess to rediscover that. I have found unmasking easier with strangers but as controlled as I can make it. Small steps for me. I can unmask with my youngest son as he is also autistic. 
My partner does not know I have a diagnosis, she is quite controlling and uses anything she can to better her position in the relationship. 

Q1

The diagnosis has taken from 26th June to this day so far for me to be able to part process but not entirely. The main sticking point being who is the real me? The masked version I chose that took over many years ago or the unmasked one that remains I imprisoned in your head until it’s safe for you to let it out?
The assessment based on my family life was a very stressful build up and the assessment itself I found completely exhausting and emotional. I had no clue how I represented myself but I was able to unmask partly. I supplied them with everything that goes on with me beforehand so they could base some of their questions on my experience.

Q2

Think I covered this before Q1 but I believe for me this is going to be the difficult one for me personally. I hear of others that have dropped the mask to a degree but remember we do need that mask sometimes to remain safe in certain circumstances. 
I try to spend time alone and ask myself does this genuinely bring me pleasure or do I feel comfortable. It does help. 

Q3

It is fair to say I experience this and after a few hours I tend to make an unannounced exit and care a little less about if that appears rude. I do feel like I’m playing the part of a very uninteresting person who mostly wants to ask questions so that I don’t get pressured to answer their questions. I have challenges with keeping up and delivering the words I cannot find in my head sometimes which attracts negative attention from others, asking questions diverts that as typical people generally like to talk about themselves. 
For me I don’t know if unmasking is possible in those situations, remember that neurotypical people mask but I suppose for different reasons. What is possible for me is to limit my social expectations and remove myself when necessary to stop it all spilling over. I have often felt exhaustion after these events as well as uncontrollably crying and going over what I did and said with who. I try to find a balance but ultimately I would probably choose for myself not to attend if that was an option. 

Q4

Collect information to learn and observe and better understand your child’s needs. 
Journalling has been the best method I found to identify triggers and patterns of behaviour with my youngest (diagnosed last December age 9).

I used these notes to give my sons therapist an insight into what was happening for him after his last session and before his next. 

I wrote a manual for my son for family members so they can at the very least have the information to understand him better and try to accommodate him. 

Probably try in the future some parent workshops, there are loads of free stuff through the local authorities and also charities.

I hope I have helped? I could have gone into more detail but I have had a challenging day and need to sleep now.

Good luck anyway and you are not alone.