"Female" autism and "coming out" at 40

Hi there,

I am in a similar place. But in my early 50's. I have just filled in all the forms for a diagnosis after having a creeping realisation I was autistic which has probably lasted 12 months or so. I was in utter denial that my traits were autism despite fighting for my daughter to get the right diagnosis and support for nearly 5 years! I have learnt just about everything there is to know about autism, including doing a qualification in it to help my daughter but had total blindness when it came to applying my knowledge to myself. I laugh at it now, of course. My husband would accuse me of being autistic all the time but I also laughed this off. (Face in palm moment).

I am feeling a huge amount of relief currently. When the penny finally dropped and I had to admit to myself that I was, in fact, autistic I literally felt that the whole Universe had shifted on its axis. I felt disorientated, a bit spaced out but also slightly elated; which is very strange. I would almost say I felt excited. Finally I had an explanation of why I felt different to everyone else and actually I felt really liberated by this. I quite like this happier version of me actually.

I don't feel there is a huge amount on unmasking to do at the moment because, at home at least, I feel completely myself. I am really desperate to tell people, especially family but feel I can't yet as I am not formally diagnosed and I really don't think they will believe me. I am grappling with   whether I will ever tell anyone outside of the family however. I don't know the answer to that yet. Or even if I will tell my GP. I am having a private assessment purely because I am scared of it being on my medical record and I do not know the implications of this.

I would be reading up as much as possible to be ready to support your children for sure. Start a diary of traits or situations where they don't cope and start dating this and keeping a good record because you will need this later on to refer to if you eventually want to request a needs assessment and EHCP for them. Are they meeting their developmental milestones (and the answer could be yes), do they hate the supermarket, baby groups (noise), do they play alongside other children or with them? What are their speech and language skills etc. Anything you see that you feel could be a reflection of autism. Then you are pre-armed just in case for the future : )

Hello Tink!

So a few things (sorry, I like listing my thoughts)

1. As for being scared of it being on your medical record: The only downfall I am aware of this is that you might not be able to move to certain countries (ex. New Zealand) with an Autism diagnosis. Ridiculous laws, I know, but it is a big problem for some. Other than that I imagine there should be no other downside to having it on your medical record.

2. There’s no rush to tell people, but I get the urge to tell the whole world. Start with your family, then gauge whether you have other safe people to tell. I really only tell people if I know they’re not in the “anti-vaccine” camp (which is a huge problem here in the States).

3. Your entire second paragraph resonates with me lol. I felt the same kaleidoscope of emotions after my diagnosis. Mostly positive, but some confusion and uncertainty mixed in.

Thank you. I appreciate this (and I like the listing!). No plans to move countries but I will keep that in mind. I wonder why? Are we such a drain on resources?! 

I am just thinking of close friends who have known me for years. I want to be authentic with them but I am most nervous about telling them because the friendships mean so much to me and I worry they might back off or treat me differently.

A new thought about this for Asparagus is whether you might be doing too much too soon? Perhaps 'coming out' too quickly before you have fully processed the news and what it means for you could be leading to more dysregulation than you'd otherwise have perhaps?

Thank you. I appreciate this (and I like the listing!). No plans to move countries but I will keep that in mind. I wonder why? Are we such a drain on resources?! 

I am just thinking of close friends who have known me for years. I want to be authentic with them but I am most nervous about telling them because the friendships mean so much to me and I worry they might back off or treat me differently.

A new thought about this for Asparagus is whether you might be doing too much too soon? Perhaps 'coming out' too quickly before you have fully processed the news and what it means for you could be leading to more dysregulation than you'd otherwise have perhaps?

I expect that's the logic.

But given autism is quite broad, it does mean they miss out on computing, networking and engineering people.

I expect some of he best R&D people are also ND.

I have paid more than my fair share of tax. I might have made more, used it better and done better on a personal level, and avoided some mental issues, but from the state's perspective I have been a net contributor model citizen for decades.

Tink said:

No plans to move countries but I will keep that in mind. I wonder why? Are we such a drain on resources?! 

I think it is a higher level thing than specifically about autism, but the country probably doesn't want people coming who are potentially going to be a drain on their health services and social services.

If they are "shopping" for high value immigrants then they want high earners who will bring skills and tax dollars to the country and be low overhead for support.

If you look at it like they are running a business then there is a logic to it.

Of course you are obsessed, it's your new special interest. I don't think you'd be autistic if you didn't try to find out as much as you could. I have spent quite a lot of time too. I think it will wane once you've got what you want. Just go with it.

I have no idea how long it takes to rebalance. I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago and got my report yesterday. It recommends additional therapy. I also have some books I want to read.

The report is pretty compelling, and I'd thought they'd say I didn't meet the criteria.

I apparently do quite a lot of camouflaging and have "a remarkable degree of self-observations and adaptation". 

I am not sure what I am going to do or change. I'm going to allow myself 6 months.

Now I know, I am becoming more comfortable with it. I am trying to process all the past. Most of it is done. 

You’re not alone with feeling like it “kind of falls flat.” I got that feeling a lot when telling family. It’s interesting because it’s such an important thing to you, especially after all the research you do into it, and then the other person is just like “so?”

I think that might be right. How do I slow down? 

I’ve only told a few people - and honestly telling them hasn’t been massively helpful because it kind of falls flat, it’s not as big for them as it is for me. 

I'm reading everything I can on the topic, following all the influencers and becoming completely obsessed but I can’t seem to stop.