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"Female" autism and "coming out" at 40

Asparagus

Hello future friends,

I'm here because despite having a satisfying family and social life (to date), I'm surrounded by NTs and completely alone in my autism journey. 

I'm a few weeks into realising I'm autistic and will have a diagnosis in about a month. Since I've realised I'm autistic and started the "coming out" process, I've had waves of relief, aha moments, upset, feelings I can't name, confusion, meltdowns, shutdowns and just generally all over the place. 

I had all the signs - very few close long term friends, relying on my husband's social life, book smarts, landing good jobs that then lasted only a year, meltdowns and shutdowns, social awkwardness ("she's so quirky"), weird sensitivities, burnout from having young children. My psychiatrist suggested I had autism, I didn't really think much about it, until I saw a TikTok, and it all started making sense. I then listened to the Devon Price audiobook which - despite being left leaning and gender queer - really resonated with me. But now the aha moments are over, and I'm waiting for the diagnosis / management plan that will probably take weeks to fall into place.

Here are my questions:

1) The journey: How did other late diagnosed / middle-aged people react to realising they are autistic? How long does it take to feel yourself again, or re-orient to the new reality?

2) Unmasking: How have late diagnosed / middle-aged people unmasked to their partners, kids, friends, at work? I can't really get my head around what unmasking entails. The Devon Price book suggests being as unapologetically weird as you want, but I can't, I've hidden so much for so long, the thought of doing my weird things even in front of my husband or close friends makes me die on the inside. I do my weird things in front of my kids but they are very young and I will probably stop once they start noticing. Can anyone else relate to this and if so, how do you move forwards from here? 

3) "Out of body" experiences: Does anyone else have these glitches or fleeting sensations where, you're at a pub or a shop, or even alone in your back garden, and suddenly you feel like you're performing in a play, or being observed, but by noone in particular. And sometimes everyone else around you is a part of that play also, sometimes its like you're performing for them. Since I've realised this is an autism thing, I've begun pointing out to my husband whenever it happens, and, to be sure, he does not share this experience. Does this happen to you? Do you know why? Does this go away with unmasking? 

4) Kids: I suspect my 2 year old is a bit like me. It may be a while yet before a diagnosis. In the meantime, what would your advice be on doing the best thing for my child, even without having a diagnosis? 

Would love to hear from your experiences 

x

Parents

  • Hello Asparagus!

    Is that Devon Price audiobook “Unmasking Autism” by chance? I read that book and adored it. I’m cisgender, too, but I really enjoyed hearing about his differing life experiences and seeing how some of it parallels with mine. I’m a little left-leaning myself, though.

    1. It took a little time, maybe a few years for me to really be comfortable being Autistic? I reacted to the diagnosis very positively, but it took a little time to sink in because I’ve lived most of my life diagnosed with ADHD (previously ADD) only. Having ASD added on reframed a lot of how I perceived myself.

    2. So I’m totally comfortable unmasking around my safe people. Fortunately for me a lot of my stims and social ineptitudes come off as just quirky, not disruptive or strange. Ex. my main stim is bouncing my leg, which most people don’t even notice. I think it’s easy for me because I’ve always unknowingly unmasked around safe people my whole life and masked whenever I feel uncomfortable.

    3. I’ve never really experienced an out-of-body experience quite like that, but I do get deja vu surprisingly often.

    4. Ooo I had a very similar situation with my kids. I have two daughters, C (age 7 diagnosed with ASD/ADHD) and R (age 4, NT? Maybe OCD?). With C we started suspecting she was Autistic shortly after I was diagnosed. She was so incredibly late with her milestones, it even took more than a year to potty train her. She ended up diagnosed around age 4ish. We didn’t inform her that she was diagnosed until she was around 6, which we slowly helped her to realize it by talking about how I and other people have Autism. She eventually came to her own conclusion that “I think I have Autism, too!” One thing I would like to make clear is that even if your child is missing milestones right now, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be behind in everything. C still has some social skills/emotional regulation things to work through, but she’s becoming pretty advanced in reading/math and is really talented as a singer.

    It’s great to meet you and I wish you the best!

Reply

  • Hello Asparagus!

    Is that Devon Price audiobook “Unmasking Autism” by chance? I read that book and adored it. I’m cisgender, too, but I really enjoyed hearing about his differing life experiences and seeing how some of it parallels with mine. I’m a little left-leaning myself, though.

    1. It took a little time, maybe a few years for me to really be comfortable being Autistic? I reacted to the diagnosis very positively, but it took a little time to sink in because I’ve lived most of my life diagnosed with ADHD (previously ADD) only. Having ASD added on reframed a lot of how I perceived myself.

    2. So I’m totally comfortable unmasking around my safe people. Fortunately for me a lot of my stims and social ineptitudes come off as just quirky, not disruptive or strange. Ex. my main stim is bouncing my leg, which most people don’t even notice. I think it’s easy for me because I’ve always unknowingly unmasked around safe people my whole life and masked whenever I feel uncomfortable.

    3. I’ve never really experienced an out-of-body experience quite like that, but I do get deja vu surprisingly often.

    4. Ooo I had a very similar situation with my kids. I have two daughters, C (age 7 diagnosed with ASD/ADHD) and R (age 4, NT? Maybe OCD?). With C we started suspecting she was Autistic shortly after I was diagnosed. She was so incredibly late with her milestones, it even took more than a year to potty train her. She ended up diagnosed around age 4ish. We didn’t inform her that she was diagnosed until she was around 6, which we slowly helped her to realize it by talking about how I and other people have Autism. She eventually came to her own conclusion that “I think I have Autism, too!” One thing I would like to make clear is that even if your child is missing milestones right now, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be behind in everything. C still has some social skills/emotional regulation things to work through, but she’s becoming pretty advanced in reading/math and is really talented as a singer.

    It’s great to meet you and I wish you the best!

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