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"Female" autism and "coming out" at 40

Asparagus

Hello future friends,

I'm here because despite having a satisfying family and social life (to date), I'm surrounded by NTs and completely alone in my autism journey. 

I'm a few weeks into realising I'm autistic and will have a diagnosis in about a month. Since I've realised I'm autistic and started the "coming out" process, I've had waves of relief, aha moments, upset, feelings I can't name, confusion, meltdowns, shutdowns and just generally all over the place. 

I had all the signs - very few close long term friends, relying on my husband's social life, book smarts, landing good jobs that then lasted only a year, meltdowns and shutdowns, social awkwardness ("she's so quirky"), weird sensitivities, burnout from having young children. My psychiatrist suggested I had autism, I didn't really think much about it, until I saw a TikTok, and it all started making sense. I then listened to the Devon Price audiobook which - despite being left leaning and gender queer - really resonated with me. But now the aha moments are over, and I'm waiting for the diagnosis / management plan that will probably take weeks to fall into place.

Here are my questions:

1) The journey: How did other late diagnosed / middle-aged people react to realising they are autistic? How long does it take to feel yourself again, or re-orient to the new reality?

2) Unmasking: How have late diagnosed / middle-aged people unmasked to their partners, kids, friends, at work? I can't really get my head around what unmasking entails. The Devon Price book suggests being as unapologetically weird as you want, but I can't, I've hidden so much for so long, the thought of doing my weird things even in front of my husband or close friends makes me die on the inside. I do my weird things in front of my kids but they are very young and I will probably stop once they start noticing. Can anyone else relate to this and if so, how do you move forwards from here? 

3) "Out of body" experiences: Does anyone else have these glitches or fleeting sensations where, you're at a pub or a shop, or even alone in your back garden, and suddenly you feel like you're performing in a play, or being observed, but by noone in particular. And sometimes everyone else around you is a part of that play also, sometimes its like you're performing for them. Since I've realised this is an autism thing, I've begun pointing out to my husband whenever it happens, and, to be sure, he does not share this experience. Does this happen to you? Do you know why? Does this go away with unmasking? 

4) Kids: I suspect my 2 year old is a bit like me. It may be a while yet before a diagnosis. In the meantime, what would your advice be on doing the best thing for my child, even without having a diagnosis? 

Would love to hear from your experiences 

x

Parents

  • 1) Working out that I was autistic and being subsequently diagnosed was an almost entirely positive experience for me. Not only did it answer questions about why I didn't fit well into society, why I was always slightly off-kilter, and why I had various difficulties, it also introduced me to a whole community of people who also always cut those unbearable pesky labels out of all items of clothing! 

    2) Masking has worked well for me, it means I am more effective, more accepted and more socially successful in neurotypical society. Masking does not cause me distress, it is just a bit exhausting. I have seen in various autism community sources how unmasking is a panacea for all that ails autistic people. This perplexed me for a while. Then I worked out that I am the product of my biology, autistic, and my experiences, a lifetime of masking/camouflaging. Therefore my camouflaging is as much a part of me as my autism and I rejected unmasking as being both counterproductive socially and not achievable for me anyway. I have dismissed it. I have always masked and done weird things and I continue to do both.

    3) Being an autistic in a neurotypical world means that we do not do not follow many of the unwritten social rules unconsciously, like neurotypicals do. What we do is 'constant vigilance'. We scan social interactions constantly to work out what is acceptable and appropriate, then do our best to copy. We are essentially following a script and stage directions that we have worked out from observation. In everyday life we are actors. This is why socialising is often exhausting, being onstage all day would exhaust the most competent actor.

    As well as being autistic myself, both my children are neurodivergent (one ADHD, the other autistic). I think that neurodivergent parents have a natural insight into how to treat their neurodivergent children, that is often superior to that of neurotypical parents, however well intentioned. I would not be too anxious about this. For example, like me at a young age, my autistic daughter was very picky about food, and initially had a very restricted variety of food she would eat. We were not unduly alarmed at this, we just kept negotiating at meal times, "Try one pea, if you don't like it, OK". Slowly, it increased the range of food she would eat until by 7 or 8 years she was eating a very wide variety of foods. 

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  • 1) Working out that I was autistic and being subsequently diagnosed was an almost entirely positive experience for me. Not only did it answer questions about why I didn't fit well into society, why I was always slightly off-kilter, and why I had various difficulties, it also introduced me to a whole community of people who also always cut those unbearable pesky labels out of all items of clothing! 

    2) Masking has worked well for me, it means I am more effective, more accepted and more socially successful in neurotypical society. Masking does not cause me distress, it is just a bit exhausting. I have seen in various autism community sources how unmasking is a panacea for all that ails autistic people. This perplexed me for a while. Then I worked out that I am the product of my biology, autistic, and my experiences, a lifetime of masking/camouflaging. Therefore my camouflaging is as much a part of me as my autism and I rejected unmasking as being both counterproductive socially and not achievable for me anyway. I have dismissed it. I have always masked and done weird things and I continue to do both.

    3) Being an autistic in a neurotypical world means that we do not do not follow many of the unwritten social rules unconsciously, like neurotypicals do. What we do is 'constant vigilance'. We scan social interactions constantly to work out what is acceptable and appropriate, then do our best to copy. We are essentially following a script and stage directions that we have worked out from observation. In everyday life we are actors. This is why socialising is often exhausting, being onstage all day would exhaust the most competent actor.

    As well as being autistic myself, both my children are neurodivergent (one ADHD, the other autistic). I think that neurodivergent parents have a natural insight into how to treat their neurodivergent children, that is often superior to that of neurotypical parents, however well intentioned. I would not be too anxious about this. For example, like me at a young age, my autistic daughter was very picky about food, and initially had a very restricted variety of food she would eat. We were not unduly alarmed at this, we just kept negotiating at meal times, "Try one pea, if you don't like it, OK". Slowly, it increased the range of food she would eat until by 7 or 8 years she was eating a very wide variety of foods. 

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