Telling teenage children about your late ASD diagnosis

You're most welcome! 

As a final suggestion: you might like to consider seeking emotional support from other parents who are, or who have been, in a similar situation via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline - you can request a call here:

NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

Amazing, thank you

You might be able to find some support groups for late-diagnosed women via the NAS's directory (search by postcode):

NAS - Autism Services Directory

There are also some Facebook groups that you could consider joining, such as:

Facebook - UK Autistic Women’s Support Group

• "This is a group for women who have been diagnosed or are waiting to be diagnosed, also includes self-diagnosed with autism/Aspergers. This group is for UK women. We are accepting of non binary and genderfluid autistics. We are trans inclusive."
• If they wish, group members can write their posts and comments anonymously, with only the group's admins being able to see their identity. 
• The group has around 10,000 members and is active on a daily basis.

Facebook - Autistic Women UK - Late Diagnosed (40+)

• "A safe supportive space for autistic females (cis, trans, female presenting non-binary), living in the UK ,who discovered that they were autistic later in life (40 years and over)."
• Around 2,000 members.

Facebook - Autism/ADHD late diagnosed women in UK (mid life plus)

• "Many women in particular have gone under the radar because their autism and ADHD has been missed. Group founders in their 60s and we particularly welcome women aged 50+. Come and share your experiences, special interests, advice, offer support etc in a safe place. Younger ND psychology or sociology undergraduates needing volunteers for projects also welcome! ..."
• Around 2,700 members.

You could also contact your local NAS branch to see whether they're aware of and/or run any groups that meet locally to you:

NAS - Branches

Are there also any support groups for late diagnosed women that you could point me towards please?

Really helpful, thank you so much!

There’s also this article (although it’s perhaps also quite “light” on advice):

NAS - Family relationships - A guide for children of autistic parents 

You could also consider asking for advice in this Facebook group, which is run by another charity that focuses specifically on parenting as an autistic person, Autistic Parents UK:

Facebook - Autistic Parents UK - Peer Support Group

They also offer one-to-one and group-based peer support, along with a Discord server:

Autistic Parents UK

Great idea, I'll do that. The resources on the site are generally incredibly helpful so thank you  

You’re welcome!

I agree - if you like, you can make that suggestion to the NAS by scrolling to the bottom of that article, selecting “no” in response to the question ”was this page helpful?”, and then typing your comments in the box that then appears. They won’t respond directly, but all feedback is taken into account when pages are next updated.

Thanks Bunny

 It would be great if the Talking about/disclosing link had some info about how a parent could think about disclosing to their children. I couldn't find this specifically addressed, and do feel that telling your children raises different issues to telling others. 

Thank you, my youngest is 14 and possibly ND so he's probably the one I'm most concerned about, I suppose in terms of him becoming a target at school.  I'd forgotten about the "acoustic" stuff doing the rounds in that age group, good to be aware of that. I might start a casual conversation about that at some point. Both my kids are very inclusive so I'm not worried about their attitudes, more those of others. Thank you, this all helps me think about how to have the conversation with my children that is most supportive to them. 

Hi - congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

You might find these articles - along with others from the NAS's diagnosis hub - helpful, including their further links to related resources:

NAS - Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis

NAS - Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis

I got diagnosed last year age 50, my son is 14.

I'm lucky enough to have a gifted child. He got it straight away, and surprised me about how much he knew and understood about autism already. He used to love watching the big bang theory and we used to make jokes about how much I was like Sheldon Cooper, so it wasn't exactly a surprise for him. 

Kids are amazing, I don't think you should worry about telling your kids about you. They'll appreciate the honesty, and you'll be able to openly discuss certain things, talk to them about ableism, that sort of thing.

Watch out for the term "acoustic". Teens have been throwing that around and at each other as an insult: "What's your problem, are you acoustic or something?" We know what they mean by that, autistic is the new 'tard, and they use a similar sounding world to avoid being told off. It's disingenuous, really. But it's a great dinner time conversation topic.

Thank you, this reply is really helpful, and to hear all the experiences from others too is so useful. I'll take it all on board, thank you

I was diagnosed at 53, it took me 3 months to tell my wife and kids as I was worried (foolishly) about their reaction. Thankfully everything went fine and my reticence was uncalled for.

Obviously everyones situation is different and I wish you well with your decision.

I had a similar situation recently where I had tell my kids, three adults as I am 53 about ASD. I built it up to be a bigger thing than it was. Pretty much the reaction was that they already suspected I was autistic so no big drama. I needed to say something as I have been struggling for a few months and they knew something was up….

Unless you're planning to dramatically change yourself in some way, you'll still be you.

Do you think they will see and treat you differently? Or just say, whatever we don't care, and carry on?

You could try to gauge their reaction by asking a hypothetical question, e.g. what would you think if your aunt / cousin / teacher / bus driver was autistic?
You can then see how safe a topic it is and judge how to handle it.

Thank you for sharing so openly — your honesty, reflection, and courage in the face of such a profound personal shift are incredibly moving.

First, no, you are absolutely not selfish for wanting to share your diagnosis with your children. In fact, many people find that being open about their neurodivergence creates stronger, more authentic relationships — especially with close family. You’ve spent a lifetime navigating the world while masking and feeling different, and now that you have this clarity, it’s natural (and healthy) to want to integrate that truth into your life and relationships.

Your children may need time to process, and that’s okay. But what they will likely see — especially if this is shared with calm, age-appropriate honesty — is a parent who is brave enough to be vulnerable, who is learning about herself, and who is choosing self-understanding over silence. That’s powerful.

You might say something like:

“I recently learned something important about myself — I’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. This doesn’t change who I am or how much I love you. It just gives me a clearer picture of why I’ve always felt and done things a little differently. It’s helping me understand myself better, and that will help me be an even better parent to you.”

Framing it as a journey of self-discovery rather than a deficit can help your children see this as a positive, meaningful development — not something to fear. And it may even encourage them to reflect on their own experiences with more openness and compassion.

Also, many adults report that sharing their diagnosis with children can actually reduce tension at home — things that once felt confusing or frustrating make more sense when there’s a shared understanding.

You’ve already done so much of the hard work by reaching this point. You’re not alone, and this is just the beginning of something freer and more real. You deserve that.

My kids know - oddly have only told one parent and not my sister (as both have enough on their plate at the mo).  I'm fairly similar age to you and diagnosed start of this year.  

One of my kids was diagnosed ND 10 years ago, not ASD, now at the end of the teenage years.  Other is early 20s and following my diagnosis is now also considering assessment for ASD , once Uni final exams out of the way in a few weeks. 

Teenage years although just 7 years - their maturity can change a lot in that period so may depend on their age  ?

Is either ND ? or as far you know both NT, have you ever considered they could be ASD/ND themselves ?

You're not being selfish, they shouldn't be ashamed you are their mum and the same mum they know.  Yes understand that you may want to be more open about some of your struggles going forwards, but that isn't a negative, maybe it helps create more openness for all of you.

Those I have disclosed to, have been asked not to tell anyone, as I have done limited disclosure to date: its largely private and I don't feel obliged to make it public.

I guess you need to tell them both at the same time, so perhaps just pick a good time, and perhaps have some links/resource to hand or you can msg them, and hopefully answer any questions they may have