Weight lifted!

Thank you Puffin,

I do love him very much or I wouldn't still be with him (on and off) after 5 years!  He has a good heart and soul and is a big softy.  He is AMAZING with children, and am sure he would make an excellent (if at times annoying) father.  I guess I knew something was wrong a while ago after everyone I knew told me to leave him time and time again, I just knew in my heart of hearts he wasn't doing anything to intentionally upset me.  Now I know about the condition I am hoping I can adapt my ways and it feels a lot easier knowing what it is. 

I will look into ordering some books as you suggest.  Thank you so much for your comment.  Nice to hear from a partner.

Thanks Kasey.  Im new to all this!

Hi Twinkle,

Read up as much as you can on Aspergers, it is very common that the love and attention an Aspie can show in the first few years of a relationship can dwindle, it does not mean they love you less they just struggle to feel the need to continue proving it!  i have been with my Aspie husband for 27 years but the last eight or so have been hard, it is not easy but no relationships ever are. you can only base it on the here and now not what might be in the future.  If i had known about Aspergers 27 years ago it would have made no difference i loved the man.  We only discovered about Aspergers since our son now 7 was diagnosed with it and realised that was my husnband also.

Loads of books out now on a relationship with someone with Aspergers (some on kindle) have a read inform yourself but then just base your decision on how you get on together and if you think your relationship could work.

Good luck

Puffin

Hi There

Just chiming briefing as my first time moderating in case the other user is no longer online. Im guessing they are referring to "NT" as meaning "neuro typical" person as opposed to a person on the spectrum. For a full scientific definition might be better to google it but that's the short answer for you.

Thanks

kasey

I have just read my post and it sounds like I am 'having a go' at my boyfriend.  Please don't think that.  I do love him dearly and he doesn't have a bad bone in his body.  I was trying to express my past exasperation!  I'm sure I have been as annoying to him!!

Hi there.  Thank you for your reply.

We have only just realised Simon has Aspergers, so on realising this, I understand there is nothing wrong with his behaviour.  He is a very sweet guy, but I thought he was just behaving badly towards me.  There are too many things he has done to upset to write, but a few examples are that we sadly had quite a bad miscarriage a few years ago, and when we got back from hospital and I was in agony after an operation and feeling very emotional, Simon just ignored me and painted his fence, rather that help me up the stairs or even make a cup of tea.  When there have been important anniversaries (eg the first years anniversary of my dad's death), Simon promised to spend the weekend with me and went out with the boys instead and didn't let me know.  He thinks nothing of promising to do something with me and then not answering the phone and just going off himself...which I found frustrating and he couldn't understand my upset.  NOW I understand!  I do however miss hugs or any intimacy between us, which used to happen in our first year of meeting.  I have now come to the realisation that I was a 'new hobby' for him and that it has worn off - although I know he still loves me desperately and doesn't want us to split up.

We don't spend much time together any more as he is busy with various hobbies and we have been constantly arguing over me feeling his love for me has disappeared.  On reading various pieces on Aspergers, I realise he will be struggling to take on board my upset.  After reading your reply, I understand that I have to ask him directly for what I want/need as he cannot second guess me.  You are quite right in pointing out that I have to change a hell of a lot too - which is fine.  So I have done that today, and as a result we are going out together for a meal this weekend and to talk - so thank you!!!

PS.  What does NT mean???

What is wrong with his Aspie behaviour? I am an Aspie and trying to act NT was a big disaster for me.

If you want to have a long term relationship with an Aspie then you have to realsie, as an NT, that you both have to move a little bit.

What I am going to write now may not apply to you, and I hope you do not take it the wrong way. I am trying to give an indication about how it is to live as an Aspie in an NT world. You may not be using all the subtle language and games that most NTs use.

Yes, Aspies can learn new behaviour, but understand that this will never be normal behaviour it will have to be learned, retrieved and performed in a very conscious way, not at all the way NTs behave. He might do it for a while, then forget. More likely the mental strain of trying to act as NT as you want him to will result in mental strain. For some Aspies acting NT all the time leads to mental collapse. However this is not the same as new behaviour that comes from understanding each other. NTs have no idea just how mistaken an Aspie can be about NT behaviour. You have to ditch all the confusing language, all the subtle "I'm sure he understands what I'm trying to tell him really" mind games that NTs often use.

It is more helpful for you both to come to an understanding of what NTs find easy and Aspies do not understand. Having Asperger's and living in the NT world is like living as an alien. You need to learn as many new behaviours as he does. Asperger's is a lifelong condition, you can't expect anyone to learn new behaviour to suit what you want, you both have to accept that your Aspie/NT relationship is different. 

This relationship can be successful, and loving as long as you both learn new ways of being and behaving with each other. You need to change as much, maybe more. Most Aspies don't understand subtle behaviours, mind games, ambiguious language or language with hidden meaning. They prefer direct questions, and straightforward language- if you want a hug ask for one, and if he says no expplain why you want a hug in a straightforward way. All the time think what you want and simply ask for it, do the same for him, be direct, without any overthinking. If you need explanation ask for it, but remember that sometimes Aspies need longer to process complex questions about emotions.

If you love your boyfriend then there is no reason that you can't be happy and have a family.