• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 68 subscribers
  • Views 1131 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Weight lifted!

Twinkle74

Hello there.  This website has lifted a huge weight which I have been living with for the last 5 years.  I am the girlfriend of a highly intelligent, funny, silly, hard working man (41).  Last year Simon said to me that he had seen some information on Aspergers and said that "It was him".  I had never really known about it before, and we never really discussed it.  It wasn't until recently that after yet another huge fall out about his lack of empathy/rudeness etc that he posted a newspaper artical through my door.  It was written by the partner of an adult male who had undiagnosed aspergers.  Suddenly everything made sense!!  It described my boyfriend exactly.  We have had so many fall outs over the years, and now I understand what has been happening.  I have been in touch with a cousellor who specialises in Autism and Aspergers, and after thinking about it/worrying about it for a week or two, I am hoping he is finally going to speak to her this evening. 

Is there any help?  Can he learn new behaviours (eg. to give me a cuddle/realise I am upset etc)?  

I love Simon dearly and would love nothing better than to have a family together.  Is there hope?

Thanks for reading. Smile 

Parents

  • What is wrong with his Aspie behaviour? I am an Aspie and trying to act NT was a big disaster for me.

    If you want to have a long term relationship with an Aspie then you have to realsie, as an NT, that you both have to move a little bit.

    What I am going to write now may not apply to you, and I hope you do not take it the wrong way. I am trying to give an indication about how it is to live as an Aspie in an NT world. You may not be using all the subtle language and games that most NTs use.

    Yes, Aspies can learn new behaviour, but understand that this will never be normal behaviour it will have to be learned, retrieved and performed in a very conscious way, not at all the way NTs behave. He might do it for a while, then forget. More likely the mental strain of trying to act as NT as you want him to will result in mental strain. For some Aspies acting NT all the time leads to mental collapse. However this is not the same as new behaviour that comes from understanding each other. NTs have no idea just how mistaken an Aspie can be about NT behaviour. You have to ditch all the confusing language, all the subtle "I'm sure he understands what I'm trying to tell him really" mind games that NTs often use.

    It is more helpful for you both to come to an understanding of what NTs find easy and Aspies do not understand. Having Asperger's and living in the NT world is like living as an alien. You need to learn as many new behaviours as he does. Asperger's is a lifelong condition, you can't expect anyone to learn new behaviour to suit what you want, you both have to accept that your Aspie/NT relationship is different. 

    This relationship can be successful, and loving as long as you both learn new ways of being and behaving with each other. You need to change as much, maybe more. Most Aspies don't understand subtle behaviours, mind games, ambiguious language or language with hidden meaning. They prefer direct questions, and straightforward language- if you want a hug ask for one, and if he says no expplain why you want a hug in a straightforward way. All the time think what you want and simply ask for it, do the same for him, be direct, without any overthinking. If you need explanation ask for it, but remember that sometimes Aspies need longer to process complex questions about emotions.

    If you love your boyfriend then there is no reason that you can't be happy and have a family.

Reply

  • What is wrong with his Aspie behaviour? I am an Aspie and trying to act NT was a big disaster for me.

    If you want to have a long term relationship with an Aspie then you have to realsie, as an NT, that you both have to move a little bit.

    What I am going to write now may not apply to you, and I hope you do not take it the wrong way. I am trying to give an indication about how it is to live as an Aspie in an NT world. You may not be using all the subtle language and games that most NTs use.

    Yes, Aspies can learn new behaviour, but understand that this will never be normal behaviour it will have to be learned, retrieved and performed in a very conscious way, not at all the way NTs behave. He might do it for a while, then forget. More likely the mental strain of trying to act as NT as you want him to will result in mental strain. For some Aspies acting NT all the time leads to mental collapse. However this is not the same as new behaviour that comes from understanding each other. NTs have no idea just how mistaken an Aspie can be about NT behaviour. You have to ditch all the confusing language, all the subtle "I'm sure he understands what I'm trying to tell him really" mind games that NTs often use.

    It is more helpful for you both to come to an understanding of what NTs find easy and Aspies do not understand. Having Asperger's and living in the NT world is like living as an alien. You need to learn as many new behaviours as he does. Asperger's is a lifelong condition, you can't expect anyone to learn new behaviour to suit what you want, you both have to accept that your Aspie/NT relationship is different. 

    This relationship can be successful, and loving as long as you both learn new ways of being and behaving with each other. You need to change as much, maybe more. Most Aspies don't understand subtle behaviours, mind games, ambiguious language or language with hidden meaning. They prefer direct questions, and straightforward language- if you want a hug ask for one, and if he says no expplain why you want a hug in a straightforward way. All the time think what you want and simply ask for it, do the same for him, be direct, without any overthinking. If you need explanation ask for it, but remember that sometimes Aspies need longer to process complex questions about emotions.

    If you love your boyfriend then there is no reason that you can't be happy and have a family.

Children
No Data