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I'm in mental agony

Kafkaesque

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with autism on my 40th birthday last October. Since my diagnosis, I've felt nothing but rage and anguish looking back on my past and how I was mentally and physically abused by my narcissistic parents, my military stepfather being the main culprit. I've had nothing to do with them since 2001 after I was kicked out onto the streets aged 17.

I live alone and am a musician in a heavy rock/metal band. I am the guitarist and singer and my friend who I have known for 20 years is the drummer. We are still trying to get 4-5 songs created to start gigging. It's my only outlet but even that's become a chore as I feel paralysed with anhedonia, depression and horrible chronic fatigue on a daily basis and the drummer is hard to work with. 

I was trying not to make this post a 'woe is me' post, but I am at my wits end and in extreme anguish. 

I have a constant low mood, am trapped in my thoughts of despair and the drummer in my band is an NT who I clash with alot despite him being my friend. 

The urge to 'not be here' anymore is so strong. I'm trying my best think clearly and failing. 

  • Hi everyone,

    Thanks very much for the replies, I appreciate it. I am not feeling any better at all and finally let my drummer friend have it last night when he was round mine. He found it very amusing that I was broke until pay day on Friday and relished in the thought of me having to pawn something to feed myself. I've held back for years with him as I would only explode into a rage if I really told him what I thought of him. He has always been a pompous, pretentious bell end. I always questioned myself why I remained friends with him. I'm only sticking with him for the band as we have a home studio set up where we record and jam so save money that way. I am 40, and this is the last hope for me music wise after all the set backs I've had in the past plus raising a child. I've put too much heart and soul in my music to just give up now. 

    This next part will probably be a warped rant...my mind is shot:

    I'm sick and tired of being chastised by NT's and not meeting their arbitrary preferences. Trying to strip me of my humanity every chance they get. There seems to be growing support for a political narrative that if you're not profitable and exploitable in our profit driven economic system then you have no right to anything. Useless eater mentality. The reality is, one of the saddest truths is the system was never broken, it was designed this way. They want us sick, if not dead.  It is in the nature of clandestine activity to have plausible deniability, gaslighting of the ones who see that which they aren't allowed to see and the last and most effective option, which is to threaten them.

    These are things that make autistics want to go to a quiet place by themselves so that their brains can recover from the onslaught of overstimulation and the resulting stress and torture. We are surrounded by callous non entities. It always feels like a daily dose of arsenic. I do my best to bear the weight of their pithy and erudite scorn. Confronting irrational forces beyond our control resonates deeply in our complex, confusing, and overwhelming world. Powerless against an indifferent, faceless system. 

    Anyone else feel they are at their material end? I still hope to lift away the burden of nightmares and PTSD placed upon me by having to constrict and nullify traits that would place me as being somehow not conforming with everyone else who considers themselves to be a ‘normal’ person. 

    This 'psychological black death'. Ever feel like you’re the guinea pig in a perverse experiment of some unknown power?

    I think I've been in burnout mode for years. If anyone even threatens to compromise this shaky foundation I've built, or dares to subject me to faulty logic or unsound thoughts of efficiency; I can literally feel a giant Tesla coil start drawing power from every corner of my brain. My blood pulses hot & cold as if it's been replaced with acid. I'm not even mad or angry, its something beyond these words.

    Regards,
    Kafkaesque 

    Edit-Typos



  • I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I also came on here for the first time today because of feeling the same way. Also abused as a child.  I've known that I have adhd for years but only recently autism.  I didn't realise what it was or that it was different for women and now I feel that I've been masking,  or badly attempting to, my whole life. My dad used to force me to talk to people or he would hit me for being antisocial, but I have a processing delay especially when it's new information and especially when it is emotionally triggering. I also struggle to find the right words and things frequently come out wrong. But because of my dad I feel I have to speak even when I don't want to. Sometimes I say absolute garbage and then beat myself up.

    My daughter won't speak to me because I freaked out when she said she was getting a rat so I haven't seen my grandkids for over a year. I just feel like a failure in all my relationships and have been trying to change to make others happy but am starting to realise that I can't change the way my brain works, or doesn't, and I'm so angry and depressed and just wanted to die again today.  It's so hard when no-one understands you or makes allowances. I feel like an alien,  like I don't fit in and just upset people all the time. I can understand why nuns take vows of silence,  it would be so much easier. But a part of me desperately wants to be accepted and loved for who I am, but I never have been. I'm trying to learn to love myself but the last few days have been really hard. I tried to find a support group but there don't seem to be any in my area, which is why I came on here.

  • Sorry Kafkaesque I did see your post but did not feel I was in a good position to help you. I'm glad Number, O&U et al replied, I'm into my music especially Rock music, what bands are you into? Sending you my best wishes & hope things are a little better,....

  • Are you still about mate?  Try dipping your toes here again.....perhaps?  Together is better than alone?!

  • I'm really sorry to hear that. 

    I've been diagnosed at 22. Also abused a lot in my family. My mother always makes fun of me claiming that and gets angry at me all the time. 

    I'm in university, and working with others is an absolute nightmare for me. I just try to just sit and work and keep my mouth shut as an NT in my group distracts everyone and offloads all the work on me. Same when our mutual friend gets frustrated when I tell her about it and snaps at me, defending him. 

    I remember how depressed I was. I was just having the same thoughts as you. And that was ongoing until I met someone really special. This person, I think, is autistic herself. With her, I've felt so much better, as our friendship supports me. 

    The people around us have an enormous effect on us. I've met someone who accepted me and who cares about me. 

    You can, too :) And there's many 'neuroatypicals' here!

  • Hello Kafkaesque

    Welcome to the Online Community. We are glad to have you here. Although I'm sorry to read about what you are going through, it's good that you have shared, as lots of people here will have been through similar situations. 

    You’ve already had lots of great advice from both Number and overwhelmed & underwhelmed. 

    I just want to add that the National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

    We hope that you're okay. 

    Take care,

    Sharon Mod

  • Evening dude.

    I recommend NOT thinking too much!  You report having some "good things" going for you at the moment......but your current low mood could fcook that up, if you are not careful?!

    Being at our "wits end" is what us autists call "living!"  I have no value judgement to add to that observation.....it is just an observation!

    It is healthy and good that you have decided to "dip your toe" into this "tepid bath" of a forum that is (allegedly) aimed at helping autists connect with each other.  You have arrived at a FUBAR moment (due to technical incompetencies).......but there are still some good real folk around here.

    I hope you will persevere with this place - and your band - and your NT drummer.........what's the alternative?! = DEFO worse!?!

    Welcome Kafkaesque.

    Yours

    Number.

  • I've attempted to reply to your post in detail, but the response is stuck in the spam filter (as is typical of this place) 

    I really hope someone can read a post like this and see the absolute urgency there is to mend this wretched forum. 

  • It isn't uncommon to feel that you want to blame someone, especially following a diagnosis that some see as a validation - or vindication.  I am sorry you feel like this.

    Please seek help if these feelings persist.  Pick up the phone & contact your GP or the out-of-hours provider.  You can ring 111 if you feel you are experiencing a mental health crisis  too. 

    I've copied some other information from the NAS help page too.  Take care. 

    Other helplines and listening services

    Please note: the services listed below are delivered by other charities/organisations. Information about each service, including their privacy policies, can be found on each of their websites. 

    You can also find a list of other organisations and services that are specifically for, or have adapted their services to meet the needs of, autistic people and/or their families in our Autism Services Directory. 

    Samaritans

    If you are having a difficult time, you can contact Samaritans any time, day or night: 

    • Call 116 123
    • Visit the Samaritans website (includes details of different methods of contact)

    Shout 85258

    A free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope:

    Mind Helplines

    Mind is a mental health charity providing information, signposting and support services.

    • Visit the Mind Helplines Webpage (includes details on accessibility, call charges and an online chat option)
    • Call the Mind Infoline on 0300 123 3393 (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)  
    • Call the Mind Support Line on 0300 102 1234 (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)

    Saneline

    For anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4pm to 10pm, every day of the year).

    Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)

    Suicide prevention helpline for anyone who needs to talk (helpline, online chat and Whatsapp contact available 5pm to midnight, every day)

    National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK

    National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide.

    C.A.L.L (Wales)

    If you live in Wales, the Community Advice & Listening Line is available anytime. 

    • Call on 0800 132 737 (available all day, every day) 
    • Visit the C.A.L.L Website

    The National Domestic Abuse Helpline

    If you, or someone you care about, is experiencing domestic abuse, you can contact The National Domestic Abuse Helpline to discuss your options. 

    Helplines Partnership

    Helplines Partnership is the membership body for organisations that provide information, support or advice via phone, email, text or online. You can find details of helplines providing support for many different issues via their websites.