I'm in mental agony

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for the replies, I appreciate it. I am not feeling any better at all and finally let my drummer friend have it last night when he was round mine. He found it very amusing that I was broke until pay day on Friday and relished in the thought of me having to pawn something to feed myself. I've held back for years with him as I would only explode into a rage if I really told him what I thought of him. He has always been a pompous, pretentious bell end. I always questioned myself why I remained friends with him. I'm only sticking with him for the band as we have a home studio set up where we record and jam so save money that way. I am 40, and this is the last hope for me music wise after all the set backs I've had in the past plus raising a child. I've put too much heart and soul in my music to just give up now. 

This next part will probably be a warped rant...my mind is shot:

I'm sick and tired of being chastised by NT's and not meeting their arbitrary preferences. Trying to strip me of my humanity every chance they get. There seems to be growing support for a political narrative that if you're not profitable and exploitable in our profit driven economic system then you have no right to anything. Useless eater mentality. The reality is, one of the saddest truths is the system was never broken, it was designed this way. They want us sick, if not dead.  It is in the nature of clandestine activity to have plausible deniability, gaslighting of the ones who see that which they aren't allowed to see and the last and most effective option, which is to threaten them.

These are things that make autistics want to go to a quiet place by themselves so that their brains can recover from the onslaught of overstimulation and the resulting stress and torture. We are surrounded by callous non entities. It always feels like a daily dose of arsenic. I do my best to bear the weight of their pithy and erudite scorn. Confronting irrational forces beyond our control resonates deeply in our complex, confusing, and overwhelming world. Powerless against an indifferent, faceless system. 

Anyone else feel they are at their material end? I still hope to lift away the burden of nightmares and PTSD placed upon me by having to constrict and nullify traits that would place me as being somehow not conforming with everyone else who considers themselves to be a ‘normal’ person. 

This 'psychological black death'. Ever feel like you’re the guinea pig in a perverse experiment of some unknown power?

I think I've been in burnout mode for years. If anyone even threatens to compromise this shaky foundation I've built, or dares to subject me to faulty logic or unsound thoughts of efficiency; I can literally feel a giant Tesla coil start drawing power from every corner of my brain. My blood pulses hot & cold as if it's been replaced with acid. I'm not even mad or angry, its something beyond these words.

Regards,
Kafkaesque 

Edit-Typos

I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I also came on here for the first time today because of feeling the same way. Also abused as a child.  I've known that I have adhd for years but only recently autism.  I didn't realise what it was or that it was different for women and now I feel that I've been masking,  or badly attempting to, my whole life. My dad used to force me to talk to people or he would hit me for being antisocial, but I have a processing delay especially when it's new information and especially when it is emotionally triggering. I also struggle to find the right words and things frequently come out wrong. But because of my dad I feel I have to speak even when I don't want to. Sometimes I say absolute garbage and then beat myself up.

My daughter won't speak to me because I freaked out when she said she was getting a rat so I haven't seen my grandkids for over a year. I just feel like a failure in all my relationships and have been trying to change to make others happy but am starting to realise that I can't change the way my brain works, or doesn't, and I'm so angry and depressed and just wanted to die again today.  It's so hard when no-one understands you or makes allowances. I feel like an alien,  like I don't fit in and just upset people all the time. I can understand why nuns take vows of silence,  it would be so much easier. But a part of me desperately wants to be accepted and loved for who I am, but I never have been. I'm trying to learn to love myself but the last few days have been really hard. I tried to find a support group but there don't seem to be any in my area, which is why I came on here.

Sorry Kafkaesque I did see your post but did not feel I was in a good position to help you. I'm glad Number, O&U et al replied, I'm into my music especially Rock music, what bands are you into? Sending you my best wishes & hope things are a little better,....

Are you still about mate?  Try dipping your toes here again.....perhaps?  Together is better than alone?!

I'm really sorry to hear that. 

I've been diagnosed at 22. Also abused a lot in my family. My mother always makes fun of me claiming that and gets angry at me all the time. 

I'm in university, and working with others is an absolute nightmare for me. I just try to just sit and work and keep my mouth shut as an NT in my group distracts everyone and offloads all the work on me. Same when our mutual friend gets frustrated when I tell her about it and snaps at me, defending him. 

I remember how depressed I was. I was just having the same thoughts as you. And that was ongoing until I met someone really special. This person, I think, is autistic herself. With her, I've felt so much better, as our friendship supports me. 

The people around us have an enormous effect on us. I've met someone who accepted me and who cares about me. 

You can, too :) And there's many 'neuroatypicals' here!

Hello Kafkaesque

Welcome to the Online Community. We are glad to have you here. Although I'm sorry to read about what you are going through, it's good that you have shared, as lots of people here will have been through similar situations. 

You’ve already had lots of great advice from both Number and overwhelmed & underwhelmed. 

I just want to add that the National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

We hope that you're okay. 

Take care,

Sharon Mod

Evening dude.

I recommend NOT thinking too much!  You report having some "good things" going for you at the moment......but your current low mood could fcook that up, if you are not careful?!

Being at our "wits end" is what us autists call "living!"  I have no value judgement to add to that observation.....it is just an observation!

It is healthy and good that you have decided to "dip your toe" into this "tepid bath" of a forum that is (allegedly) aimed at helping autists connect with each other.  You have arrived at a FUBAR moment (due to technical incompetencies).......but there are still some good real folk around here.

I hope you will persevere with this place - and your band - and your NT drummer.........what's the alternative?! = DEFO worse!?!

Welcome Kafkaesque.

Yours

Number.