• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 75 subscribers
  • Views 1231 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

I'm in mental agony

Kafkaesque

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with autism on my 40th birthday last October. Since my diagnosis, I've felt nothing but rage and anguish looking back on my past and how I was mentally and physically abused by my narcissistic parents, my military stepfather being the main culprit. I've had nothing to do with them since 2001 after I was kicked out onto the streets aged 17.

I live alone and am a musician in a heavy rock/metal band. I am the guitarist and singer and my friend who I have known for 20 years is the drummer. We are still trying to get 4-5 songs created to start gigging. It's my only outlet but even that's become a chore as I feel paralysed with anhedonia, depression and horrible chronic fatigue on a daily basis and the drummer is hard to work with. 

I was trying not to make this post a 'woe is me' post, but I am at my wits end and in extreme anguish. 

I have a constant low mood, am trapped in my thoughts of despair and the drummer in my band is an NT who I clash with alot despite him being my friend. 

The urge to 'not be here' anymore is so strong. I'm trying my best think clearly and failing. 

Parents

  • I'm really sorry to hear that. 

    I've been diagnosed at 22. Also abused a lot in my family. My mother always makes fun of me claiming that and gets angry at me all the time. 

    I'm in university, and working with others is an absolute nightmare for me. I just try to just sit and work and keep my mouth shut as an NT in my group distracts everyone and offloads all the work on me. Same when our mutual friend gets frustrated when I tell her about it and snaps at me, defending him. 

    I remember how depressed I was. I was just having the same thoughts as you. And that was ongoing until I met someone really special. This person, I think, is autistic herself. With her, I've felt so much better, as our friendship supports me. 

    The people around us have an enormous effect on us. I've met someone who accepted me and who cares about me. 

    You can, too :) And there's many 'neuroatypicals' here!

Reply

  • I'm really sorry to hear that. 

    I've been diagnosed at 22. Also abused a lot in my family. My mother always makes fun of me claiming that and gets angry at me all the time. 

    I'm in university, and working with others is an absolute nightmare for me. I just try to just sit and work and keep my mouth shut as an NT in my group distracts everyone and offloads all the work on me. Same when our mutual friend gets frustrated when I tell her about it and snaps at me, defending him. 

    I remember how depressed I was. I was just having the same thoughts as you. And that was ongoing until I met someone really special. This person, I think, is autistic herself. With her, I've felt so much better, as our friendship supports me. 

    The people around us have an enormous effect on us. I've met someone who accepted me and who cares about me. 

    You can, too :) And there's many 'neuroatypicals' here!

Children
No Data