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I'm in mental agony

Kafkaesque

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with autism on my 40th birthday last October. Since my diagnosis, I've felt nothing but rage and anguish looking back on my past and how I was mentally and physically abused by my narcissistic parents, my military stepfather being the main culprit. I've had nothing to do with them since 2001 after I was kicked out onto the streets aged 17.

I live alone and am a musician in a heavy rock/metal band. I am the guitarist and singer and my friend who I have known for 20 years is the drummer. We are still trying to get 4-5 songs created to start gigging. It's my only outlet but even that's become a chore as I feel paralysed with anhedonia, depression and horrible chronic fatigue on a daily basis and the drummer is hard to work with. 

I was trying not to make this post a 'woe is me' post, but I am at my wits end and in extreme anguish. 

I have a constant low mood, am trapped in my thoughts of despair and the drummer in my band is an NT who I clash with alot despite him being my friend. 

The urge to 'not be here' anymore is so strong. I'm trying my best think clearly and failing. 

Parents

  • I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I also came on here for the first time today because of feeling the same way. Also abused as a child.  I've known that I have adhd for years but only recently autism.  I didn't realise what it was or that it was different for women and now I feel that I've been masking,  or badly attempting to, my whole life. My dad used to force me to talk to people or he would hit me for being antisocial, but I have a processing delay especially when it's new information and especially when it is emotionally triggering. I also struggle to find the right words and things frequently come out wrong. But because of my dad I feel I have to speak even when I don't want to. Sometimes I say absolute garbage and then beat myself up.

    My daughter won't speak to me because I freaked out when she said she was getting a rat so I haven't seen my grandkids for over a year. I just feel like a failure in all my relationships and have been trying to change to make others happy but am starting to realise that I can't change the way my brain works, or doesn't, and I'm so angry and depressed and just wanted to die again today.  It's so hard when no-one understands you or makes allowances. I feel like an alien,  like I don't fit in and just upset people all the time. I can understand why nuns take vows of silence,  it would be so much easier. But a part of me desperately wants to be accepted and loved for who I am, but I never have been. I'm trying to learn to love myself but the last few days have been really hard. I tried to find a support group but there don't seem to be any in my area, which is why I came on here.

Reply

  • I hope you're feeling a bit better now. I also came on here for the first time today because of feeling the same way. Also abused as a child.  I've known that I have adhd for years but only recently autism.  I didn't realise what it was or that it was different for women and now I feel that I've been masking,  or badly attempting to, my whole life. My dad used to force me to talk to people or he would hit me for being antisocial, but I have a processing delay especially when it's new information and especially when it is emotionally triggering. I also struggle to find the right words and things frequently come out wrong. But because of my dad I feel I have to speak even when I don't want to. Sometimes I say absolute garbage and then beat myself up.

    My daughter won't speak to me because I freaked out when she said she was getting a rat so I haven't seen my grandkids for over a year. I just feel like a failure in all my relationships and have been trying to change to make others happy but am starting to realise that I can't change the way my brain works, or doesn't, and I'm so angry and depressed and just wanted to die again today.  It's so hard when no-one understands you or makes allowances. I feel like an alien,  like I don't fit in and just upset people all the time. I can understand why nuns take vows of silence,  it would be so much easier. But a part of me desperately wants to be accepted and loved for who I am, but I never have been. I'm trying to learn to love myself but the last few days have been really hard. I tried to find a support group but there don't seem to be any in my area, which is why I came on here.

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