I'm in mental agony

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for the replies, I appreciate it. I am not feeling any better at all and finally let my drummer friend have it last night when he was round mine. He found it very amusing that I was broke until pay day on Friday and relished in the thought of me having to pawn something to feed myself. I've held back for years with him as I would only explode into a rage if I really told him what I thought of him. He has always been a pompous, pretentious bell end. I always questioned myself why I remained friends with him. I'm only sticking with him for the band as we have a home studio set up where we record and jam so save money that way. I am 40, and this is the last hope for me music wise after all the set backs I've had in the past plus raising a child. I've put too much heart and soul in my music to just give up now. 

This next part will probably be a warped rant...my mind is shot:

I'm sick and tired of being chastised by NT's and not meeting their arbitrary preferences. Trying to strip me of my humanity every chance they get. There seems to be growing support for a political narrative that if you're not profitable and exploitable in our profit driven economic system then you have no right to anything. Useless eater mentality. The reality is, one of the saddest truths is the system was never broken, it was designed this way. They want us sick, if not dead.  It is in the nature of clandestine activity to have plausible deniability, gaslighting of the ones who see that which they aren't allowed to see and the last and most effective option, which is to threaten them.

These are things that make autistics want to go to a quiet place by themselves so that their brains can recover from the onslaught of overstimulation and the resulting stress and torture. We are surrounded by callous non entities. It always feels like a daily dose of arsenic. I do my best to bear the weight of their pithy and erudite scorn. Confronting irrational forces beyond our control resonates deeply in our complex, confusing, and overwhelming world. Powerless against an indifferent, faceless system. 

Anyone else feel they are at their material end? I still hope to lift away the burden of nightmares and PTSD placed upon me by having to constrict and nullify traits that would place me as being somehow not conforming with everyone else who considers themselves to be a ‘normal’ person. 

This 'psychological black death'. Ever feel like you’re the guinea pig in a perverse experiment of some unknown power?

I think I've been in burnout mode for years. If anyone even threatens to compromise this shaky foundation I've built, or dares to subject me to faulty logic or unsound thoughts of efficiency; I can literally feel a giant Tesla coil start drawing power from every corner of my brain. My blood pulses hot & cold as if it's been replaced with acid. I'm not even mad or angry, its something beyond these words.

Regards,
Kafkaesque 

Edit-Typos

Hi everyone,

Thanks very much for the replies, I appreciate it. I am not feeling any better at all and finally let my drummer friend have it last night when he was round mine. He found it very amusing that I was broke until pay day on Friday and relished in the thought of me having to pawn something to feed myself. I've held back for years with him as I would only explode into a rage if I really told him what I thought of him. He has always been a pompous, pretentious bell end. I always questioned myself why I remained friends with him. I'm only sticking with him for the band as we have a home studio set up where we record and jam so save money that way. I am 40, and this is the last hope for me music wise after all the set backs I've had in the past plus raising a child. I've put too much heart and soul in my music to just give up now. 

This next part will probably be a warped rant...my mind is shot:

I'm sick and tired of being chastised by NT's and not meeting their arbitrary preferences. Trying to strip me of my humanity every chance they get. There seems to be growing support for a political narrative that if you're not profitable and exploitable in our profit driven economic system then you have no right to anything. Useless eater mentality. The reality is, one of the saddest truths is the system was never broken, it was designed this way. They want us sick, if not dead.  It is in the nature of clandestine activity to have plausible deniability, gaslighting of the ones who see that which they aren't allowed to see and the last and most effective option, which is to threaten them.

These are things that make autistics want to go to a quiet place by themselves so that their brains can recover from the onslaught of overstimulation and the resulting stress and torture. We are surrounded by callous non entities. It always feels like a daily dose of arsenic. I do my best to bear the weight of their pithy and erudite scorn. Confronting irrational forces beyond our control resonates deeply in our complex, confusing, and overwhelming world. Powerless against an indifferent, faceless system. 

Anyone else feel they are at their material end? I still hope to lift away the burden of nightmares and PTSD placed upon me by having to constrict and nullify traits that would place me as being somehow not conforming with everyone else who considers themselves to be a ‘normal’ person. 

This 'psychological black death'. Ever feel like you’re the guinea pig in a perverse experiment of some unknown power?

I think I've been in burnout mode for years. If anyone even threatens to compromise this shaky foundation I've built, or dares to subject me to faulty logic or unsound thoughts of efficiency; I can literally feel a giant Tesla coil start drawing power from every corner of my brain. My blood pulses hot & cold as if it's been replaced with acid. I'm not even mad or angry, its something beyond these words.

Regards,
Kafkaesque 

Edit-Typos