Pleased to meet you all and work advice sought!

Hi all

I’m Catherine, a recently diagnosed high functioning autistic in the UK.

Sought private diagnosis aged forty two after a sustained period of burnout having always been a bit “other”. I most definitely heavily mask as a senior public facing healthcare professional, trained to put others’ wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. 

I’ve just started a new job and wonder if anyone has any experience in how to navigate being autistic and unmasking? I’m an expert in “fitting in” but am desperate not to repeat previous patterns (which ultimately leads to stress, burnout and changing jobs). I have considered whether this career is suitable longer term but there are many aspects I love and a move isn’t an option immediately. As a highly logical female I’m often perceived as brash, a smartarse or insensitive and ideally would like to be more authentic opposed to hiding my intelligence and directness. Does anyone have experience with similar? I absolutely don’t wish to offend anyone but result in losing myself in a bid to please others!

Appreciate any comments or sharing of experiences particularly in relation to managing professional lives.

Catherine 

  • Thank you for this and your earlier comment.

    I do tend to look, like other logical brains, at a very black and white picture so reframing masking and exhaustion in a more compassionate way feels as though this could be useful! Practice makes perfect (hopefully!).

    Appreciate you taking the time to provide some useful insights.

  • Hello

    Thanks for responding. I’m in the process of finding out who this is. Luckily it’s a small office but part of a bit company so sure they must have some policies and focused support in this area. Starting work and receiving a new diagnosis in the same week has been a little mind blowing. 

  • Thanks Sharon. I’d already spied them but appreciate the response.

  • Thank you for sharing.

    I think allowing myself the grace to “recover” from daily work stresses is a really good call. I resent that I have to do that and aren’t sure that I just want to “survive” the rest of my working life. It must’ve been very difficult for you.

    BIG fan of a midday nap! 

  • Thank you so much. I’ve already made an application on the scheme you mentioned as think an external support could be useful to me! Wouldn’t have thought of it though so thanks again. Still tempted to tell everyone at work but uncertain of the responses and whether I have the reserve to deal with it at the minute!

  • It’s a tough call between being authentic to myself and potentially letting others down or vice versa…….. whilst trying to remember that nothing is that binary! 

    Thanks for the welcome.

  • Hi, thanks for the welcome.

  • Thank you for sharing.

    I definitely feel the need to be more authentic but it’s hard to know exactly what that means at the moment!

    I’ll give that book a read.

  • Hi Catherine and welcome.

    Before I realised I was on the spectrum, I thought I could read people and communicate with them ok - even though I often struggled to maintain friendships and there were sometimes misunderstandings. I had to learn to not assume that I knew what people meant or thought, I began to check with them, or ask a trusted colleague if I was reading someone correctly. I also tried to stop people pleasing, while staying polite.

    I was prepared for this approach to lower my ability to make friends or gain respect from others (as I had to protect myself for my own health) but I found the opposite - once I became more "authentic", colleagues seemed more friendly and respectful.

    I also found a book that explains how NT minds work was useful - it's called "A field guide to Earthlings" by Ian Ford.

  • Greetings Catherine!

  • Welcome! I know the 'smartarse' accusation very well. I masked my way out of this for many years, but the urge that gives this impression to NTs is still as strong as it ever was.

  • I've never heard this reflexive/willful before. I've tried to put this in many different ways and never been able to quite explain it (to myself even, never mind others!) I'm ultra high masking and can pass (for short periods) as NT. But a lifetime of it has really taken its toll. It's nice to read that this is actually a thing. Thank you.

  • Hi Catherine. Welcome to the forum. 

    I have found the Access to Work Scheme offered by the DWP has been really useful to help me at work. It's monthly work coaching over 9 months. Let me know if you are interested and will post the link on here.

    My counsellor/coach has been saying to me about being authentic to myself and I think that that has helped. So far, I have not disclosed to work that I am autistic. This is for a number of reasons, but I guess the bottom line is that I am concerned about discrimination. I know that though this is illegal, that life can be more nuanced than that. I think I probably will talk about it at some point, but I want to feel safer in my role before I do that.

    I still mask, though I am crap at it. I manage my masking by working part time and looking after myself as much as I can. I immerse myself in autism literature and my special interest - travel and music.

    I wish you well on navigating work. I have just downloaded a book on Audible on work and autism. It's called 'Just the Job!'. I'll let you know what's it like.

  • I was a teacher for 32 years and had to quit in part because I couldn't mask anymore. The problem is that this is not an autistic-friendly world. Those of us who have been employed (or in my case was empoyed) have had to mask simply because most jobs are out and about in the real world where we are actively engaged with neurotypicals who often don't (or won't) undertand our respective conditions. 

    I survived for 32 years partially because I built downtime into my schedule. I gave myself both privacy and time on a daily basis to emotionally rest and to recover from that day's stress. During this time, I would work on a special interest. I also made sure that I get enough sleep. 

    Since it was hard to sleep during the work week due to my tendency to worry about everything, I typically caught up on my sleep deficit over the weekend by taking nid-day naps. 

  • Hi Catherine

    We have tips for coping at work, advice on dealing with bullying in the workplace and what the law says about your rights at work here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/support-at-work/autistic-adults

    This video on disclosing your diagnosis may be of interest: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/disclosing-employment

    Many thanks

    Sharon Mod

  • Still haven't found the quote but this is quite good I think...

  • Hi Catherine and welcome to the forum. What you describe is like looking in a mirror!

    Have you sought any reasonable adjustments? If not it might be a good place to start. Do you have an equalities or disability lead where you work as they should be able to help.

  • Hi Catherine. Hope you find this community as warm and supportive as I have. 

    Regarding masking, one of the most useful things I've had to take on board since my late in life (forties) diagnosis is that it is reflexive, rather than wilful. I heard an autistic expert on this (a guy called Kieran Rose) give a very needfully nuanced and precise defintion (one he said he still tinkers with all the time as he's still not sure he's captured its full complexity). If I can find the full defintion written out somehwere I'll put it in this thread for you. But I suppose what I'm saying is that you may not be able to wilfully stop masking as such - not in a 'switch it off' kind of way. But you can have greater awareness of when you're more intensely in that mode and of the after-care needed to properly rest and recover (as well as aknowledging to yourself that recovery from those moments may be a long burnout stage that is *vital* rest, and not laziness or unhealthy evasion of the societal 'should's that are easier for so many others)