Craving emotional connection.

Hi 

This is one of the things my wife complains about very frequently. I think it must be hard to understand reasons why this does not come naturally to some. I am an overly empathetic person and feel that I am extremely emotional, the problem is that I struggle to know how and when to show this. With my mum and my children it’s easy but anyone else it doesn’t really cross my mind. That isn’t because I feel any less of them but I am unsure as to why it is that way. Couple that with not liking holding hands or much in ways of hugging and I get why it would bother my partner. 

Retired Teacher (NAS96182) said:

During their next outing, he did this and was scolded by his wife who told him that she had only meant what she had earlier said as an example and that she hadn't meant for him to actually do this. She also complained that this act hadn't been spontaneous.

That sounds exactly like something I would do. Literal thinking at its best. 

Too do not wait to be asked how your day was, etc. You just tell. Repeat it if you do not get the connection you want. 

One way that has worked for me is the correct way of using words. Letters. Text messages. Allow time to process. Do not be afraid of conflict. Say it straight away. 

This is a hard question because part and parcel with being autistic is that we all have varying degrees of emotional ability. This is not to say that we don't have emotions. The issue with many of us is that we don't know what to do with them. I myself keepy my emotions metaphorically bottled up and tucked away because I don't understand them. 

I once saw a similar type of question on Redditt. The woman in question asked about how she could get her husband to be more spontaneous. She said that if they were walking down the street, she would love it if he ducked off and later suprised her with roses and a box of chocolates.

During their next outing, he did this and was scolded by his wife who told him that she had only meant what she had earlier said as an example and that she hadn't meant for him to actually do this. She also complained that this act hadn't been spontaneous.

Since most of us have a distinct preference for schedules and routines, we are not known for being spontaneous. 

My suggestion to her was for her to modify her expectations and to be grateful that he had at least tried. 

My suggestion to you is that the two of you sit down to talk about this. You could alternatively visit a marriage counselor to speak about this with an objective third party mediator. 

Sadly, we are the persons that we are and no amount of wishing otherwise will change this. 

What led me to separation as I was on the verge of having an affair. It's tough. I know, I've been there. When you realise that emotionally you're miles apart from each other and yet still love each other very much. 

My advise, for what it's worth (2 years' separated and still living in anguish) is to keep working at it and access relationship therapy if you can. I didn't do the latter - sensory, anxiety issues on both parts etc - but I wish I had given it a try. Separating from the love of your life is very hard.

I wish you all the best.

A

Hi and welcome to the community!

You might find this book helpful (I have, so it's a personal recommendation):

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Quotes from the blurb include:

" This book explains how Asperger's may cause problems in a relationship and offers help for communicating, coparenting, and building an emotional connection with a partner who has Asperger's syndrome."

"This book presents practical guidance that will help partners get what they need in their relationships by working together with their Asperger's partner."

It includes thought-provoking exercises that you can carry out together and use as a basis for discussions.

It was written when Asperger's was still a diagnostic term, but it would now simply fall under "autism". One caveat: when describing scenarios or potential issues, the author constantly switches between which of the male and female partners is NT and which is autistic. This can be annoying, but the trouble is still well worth it, in my view.   

Couples therapy might also be worth considering.