Published on 12, July, 2020
I experienced a breakdown when my brother spent nearly the entire awake day watching the news during lockdown, and now he holds animosity towards me.2002: Bought a House TogetherMy elder brother and I purchased a property in London. My bedroom is a small box room that cannot fit a TV, while his bedroom is about twice as large and can accommodate a TV.
2002 - 2019: Coping with the SituationDuring this period, we watched some TV and films together, although I was often annoyed by the constant news being on. I managed to cope as I was going to work and spending time out of the house.
2019: DiagnosisIn 2019, my brother was diagnosed with autism, although he probably received little or no treatment. A health worker asked me questions about my brother's behavior growing up. I did some research and realised he was autistic - having previously not been too knowledgeable about it. He has never spoken about his autism - and might not be aware that i know. He has got diagnosed very very late and was in his mid 40s
2020: Pandemic and LockdownDuring the pandemic and lockdown, when we couldn’t go out, the situation became unbearable. My brother would spend almost the entire day that he was awake in the lounge, leaving only to use the bathroom, make tea, or microwave a meal. The TV would be on the news for 6 to 10 hours a day, even when he was busy working on his laptop. So listening to music or with the TV off on in the lounge wouldn't be an option. This relentless news was depressing and unfair.
Trying to Resolve
Current SituationHe now only spends time in the lounge when I am upstairs or away. This change has not fully resolved the tension, as the underlying issues remain unaddressed.
Seeking AdviceI want to move out, but this is complicated because we bought the house together, and he has shown no desire to go our separate ways - though we could probably financially manage.
Sensory overload is not just for Autistics. If you get the statistics on how sound has been used to torture prisoners, how psychological warfare has also been used, and then make comparisons to being subjected to what you have, you will have grounds for a solid argument which he might respond better to. The problem many of us deal with which can make it difficult to relate to others and therefore, reason on a basis of sympathy is due to the difficulty identifying our own feelings. On top of this many autistics experience trauma growing up as a mismatch in the world and can shut down to the point of being so withdrawn from ourselves, which also increases the difficulty of finding connexion. His lifestyle doesn't sound healthy.
Perhaps you'll also need to address the legality of having to sell your share of the shared investment. You could even raise the point of someone else buying it if he can't.
You will have to initiate discussion, unfortunately, but this is a very long time. It's important to think about your dynamics. And it does sound like everyone could use a great deal of alone time. In hindsight, given the finances, sometimes the better option is to each buy a flat next door to the other.
I'm thinking of showing him this forum so would greatly appreciate any advice for both of us.
It wasn't just the news.He would just spend the entire day in the lounge on the best positioned seat (for watching TV).If i wanted to watch something, I'd have to ask to change it - and then he would mostly watch it too (even youtube learning videos that i knew he wasn't interested in). It just felt so intense that everything I wanted to watch would be scrutinised - without giving me any space.
I actually moved out during the lockdown period for a few months - as the strict lockdown restrictions made it even more intense for me.It didn't solve anything long-term - but helped me immensely in the short term.
If you want to move out do it. The situation may improve but wanting your own space is normal and it’s likely you will feel the same or more strongly in the future. Broach the subject with your brother and start working out the details. Could he afford to buy you out? If not it’s time to sell, help each other as much as possible, plan things carefully and above all don’t feel guilty, you have as much right to happiness as anyone.
It sounds like some time apart could be useful. How long that would need to be to have any effect is hard to determine and probably even hard to arrange. If you or he have somewhere else to stay temporarily that might give the pair of you the chance for the break that you perhaps need to regain perspective in you relationship. But care is needed. One person moving out albeit temporarily could be seen as a victory by the other. But moving out is quite a drastic step. Talking would be a good place to start and if that’s difficult to writing a letter.