Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I’m a 34 year old female. From the outside, most people probably think I’m quite ‘normal’. I hold down a full time job, have a son and run a house. I like doing my hair and makeup but feel like I do this to fit in. Over the last few years, I have increasingly struggled at work, particularly on the social side of things. A lot of new people have started over the last year, girls in their early 20’s and I feel like they all connect really well, go on nights out and develop really good friendships really quickly. Even though I’m quite funny, I feel like I struggle a lot to connect to people. I see people as overly confident and it confuses me, I’ve been there 6 years and still find it difficult to speak to people that I’ve known since day one. Sometimes this really affects me, I feel like I want to have friends but at the same time, I don’t want to do any of the things that friendship involves. Sometimes this really affects me, I always feel as though no one likes me and people think I’m serious and boring. But the truth is, I just find it very hard to build connections with people and no one bothers to try. I feel embarrassed and that my boyfriend deserves to be with someone that people actually like. I can be quite moody at work and with him because of this so I feel like I’m in a vicious cycle. My son has been in school for 5 years and I still haven’t managed to make even one friend there. All of the mums at school seem confident, happy and chatty whereas I’m reserved. I’m a nice person so sometimes I feel a bit bitter, I wonder if I can come across as unapproachable. I feel bad for my son. I often think that I must be the problem, imagine if people at work knew that I didn’t even speak to anyone on the school run either! I feel like a total failure. At home, I really struggle to keep things in order. I know what I have to do but I can’t seem to do it. It’s more than being unorganised, I feel like my house is in chaos and it’s affecting my relationship. Lately I have been crying a lot, because I feel so overwhelmed with life. I keep asking myself how people can function every day whereas I struggle with just the basics. I start work at 9 and have to do the school run, but I can barely get out of bed before 8. I’ve been struggling at work more and more, under-performing and just feeling like I can’t cope. I’m tired all the time even though I generally sleep for 10 hours a night. I don’t know how this will ever change. I want to add that there is a strong history of autism and adhd in my family. I have four nephews with adhd and autism and 2 nieces. My sister has dissociative disorder and we strongly believe my brother and other sister are on the spectrum also, although undiagnosed. My brother had addiction problems and recently died in a road traffic accident, we believe he was likely on the spectrum too. I took antidepressants for a number of years but have been off these for a good few years now. I had post natal depression after my son was born and severe separation anxiety. I want to speak to the GP but I feel as though they will think that I’m fairly high functioning. From an outsider looking in, I think that would be a reasonable view but I myself feel very different to everyone else. It would be really nice to just hear other people’s advice, experiences. Thank you for reading.
You might just be shy and introverted. Nothing about what you said so far screams it must be autism to me, though it is a possibility.
What was your childhood and adolescence like, were there obvious social deficits? Did you have a lot of friends? Do you have any sensory issues or repetitive behaviours? Do you often misunderstand what people mean, or do people misunderstand you? Do you easily understand non-verbal communication? Do people ever tell you to smile or think you are angry when you are not?
You may also have been masking a long time so have learnt to cope in social situations but find it exhausting. Try to imagine if you didn't have to worry about what other people thought of you and didn't force yourself to do things to fit in or be like everyone else, how would you behave and what would you do?
Have you tried any of these screening questionnaires such as the AQ50? If I was you I would do some more research about autism and do online tests to get more of an idea. These tests can give false positives, but still can be useful. You might find after reading more about autism it's a "lightbulb moment" because of how much it explains everything, or you might find it doesn't really fit.
If you do think you have autism, go to your GP and explain why and take the AQ results with you. But the waiting lists on the NHS are very long so you might want to consider being referred to a private company via "Right To Choose".
Hi, I’m female in similar age, also undiagnosed (at least officially) if you want, you can try free online tests to see what result you will get. Here is one site: embrace-autism.com or aspergerstestsite com. There are tests such as AQ or RAADS and others like aspie quiz or CATQ about masking. Filling out few tests will give you some insight. There are also articles and books, you can see how much you relate to experience of others. This site helped me find out I’m not the only alien behaving or thinking the way I do. Behavior is just the tip of the ice berg. The most important is inside. Anyway exploring ourselves may be a mix of strong emotions. Often neurodiversity runs in our families, it’s also my case. You can also consult a therapist.