Hi everyone,
I’m a 34 year old female. From the outside, most people probably think I’m quite ‘normal’. I hold down a full time job, have a son and run a house. I like doing my hair and makeup but feel like I do this to fit in. Over the last few years, I have increasingly struggled at work, particularly on the social side of things. A lot of new people have started over the last year, girls in their early 20’s and I feel like they all connect really well, go on nights out and develop really good friendships really quickly. Even though I’m quite funny, I feel like I struggle a lot to connect to people. I see people as overly confident and it confuses me, I’ve been there 6 years and still find it difficult to speak to people that I’ve known since day one. Sometimes this really affects me, I feel like I want to have friends but at the same time, I don’t want to do any of the things that friendship involves. Sometimes this really affects me, I always feel as though no one likes me and people think I’m serious and boring. But the truth is, I just find it very hard to build connections with people and no one bothers to try. I feel embarrassed and that my boyfriend deserves to be with someone that people actually like. I can be quite moody at work and with him because of this so I feel like I’m in a vicious cycle.
My son has been in school for 5 years and I still haven’t managed to make even one friend there. All of the mums at school seem confident, happy and chatty whereas I’m reserved. I’m a nice person so sometimes I feel a bit bitter, I wonder if I can come across as unapproachable. I feel bad for my son. I often think that I must be the problem, imagine if people at work knew that I didn’t even speak to anyone on the school run either! I feel like a total failure. At home, I really struggle to keep things in order. I know what I have to do but I can’t seem to do it. It’s more than being unorganised, I feel like my house is in chaos and it’s affecting my relationship. Lately I have been crying a lot, because I feel so overwhelmed with life. I keep asking myself how people can function every day whereas I struggle with just the basics. I start work at 9 and have to do the school run, but I can barely get out of bed before 8. I’ve been struggling at work more and more, under-performing and just feeling like I can’t cope. I’m tired all the time even though I generally sleep for 10 hours a night. I don’t know how this will ever change. I want to add that there is a strong history of autism and adhd in my family. I have four nephews with adhd and autism and 2 nieces. My sister has dissociative disorder and we strongly believe my brother and other sister are on the spectrum also, although undiagnosed. My brother had addiction problems and recently died in a road traffic accident, we believe he was likely on the spectrum too.
I took antidepressants for a number of years but have been off these for a good few years now. I had post natal depression after my son was born and severe separation anxiety.
I want to speak to the GP but I feel as though they will think that I’m fairly high functioning. From an outsider looking in, I think that would be a reasonable view but I myself feel very different to everyone else. It would be really nice to just hear other people’s advice, experiences.
Thank you for reading.
