Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all. I'm in my mid 50s, self diagnosed after 3 different people presumed I was anyway at the beginning of the year. Always felt out of step like I didn't fit in, introvert, odd one out. I think it grew more noticeable after Menopause set in. Kicker. Still learning and working it all out, depends on the day. Always had inability to look to the future, but also struggle to remember more than just snap shots of my past and never remember names etc. I am creative but finding it harder and harder to actually start anything. Lost one career after 30 years, still trying to work it all out. Would really love to disappear into the woods and live there.
Photography is my thing, woods and trees, sea, not people. Hoping to learn and maybe just touch base.
I was diagnosed in my mid fifties - and like you I think the menopause made coping as an autistic person much harder. I also have found that my creative output has reduced - but I can still produce decent work if I can find the motivation to actually get started on something. But I deal with a lot of anxiety and get really exhausted - which really doesn’t help. Living with high levels of anxiety means that it doesn’t take a lot ‘extra’ to bring suicidal thoughts to mind (although I very much doubt I’d ever act on them. I just feel overwhelmed very quickly. I also find nature incredibly helpful - and I love ancient woodland in particular.
Anyway, I thought I’d say hello :) You’re not alone - and there’s a lot of solidarity and support on here.
Hi Kate Kestrel, that's sounds so much like me, the tiredness as well. I too contemplate suicide but not in the 'i want to end it all' kind of way, just as a peaceful option one day if I decide I've had enough. It's like having an exit strategy I suppose. It's lovely to 'meet' people who understand where I'm coming from after a lifetime of not!
Hi Tally - yes - as an escape route in desperate times it pops into my mind as an option. My conviction that it wouldn’t actually be ‘peaceful’ though is a major deterrent! Like you I find talking to other autistic people on here very reassuring and helpful.
I'm awake to the possibility that like my avatar most of you is actually NOT your physical body, I think we might actually have "souls".
It follows then that this physical existence (which currently is all we can experience outside of "dreamtime" Abrigines might drink petrol but they do seem to understand the sprit realm quite well) is possibly a unique not to be repeated experience, and cutting it short might actually be a really bad idea.
Also being "me" I would not want to transition to a new way of existence, having left this one so defeated that I had to quit it, rather than experience all it had to offer.
I am SO bloody glad I didn't mange to off myself in my twenties. Mostly when you feel rubbish it's a result of toxicity from other people.
Nihil Illegitimi Carborundum ! (which I believe is pig latin for "Don't let the Bar-Stewards grind you down")