Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone anyone  just thought I'd come on and see if anyone had any advice. My 14 year old son was eventually diagnosed with autism last summer. We have had such a struggle for years trying to attend school and it has put so much pressure on him. He was being sick and stuck on the toilet most mornings and if he did manage to school would hide anywhere he could be alone. Finally he had enough and hasn't been to school in about 2 years. I really suspect he has selective mutism as he cant speak in school and has struggles to say more than a quick yes or no to anyone we've had contact with. He can't even speak to me if there is someone in sight. So currently he doesn't leave the house except for a nice dog walk. We were recently referred to a very nice councillor who has came out to the house a few times and my son has done amazingly well to come downstairs and sit although it was soo hard to get him down he had a meltdown before the councillor came and it gets harder everytime, last week he told me to phone the mental health department which we have been on a waiting list for almost a year to help with stress and anxiety but when I did the clinician said he shouldn't go on it because of his autism, Instead I was to phone the school about autism outreach and work with the councillor. So I phoned the school who told me they don't think he will be able to engage with outreach as it's 45 mins on the bus to a group setting. And the only thing they can offer is home tuition next year. He is such a funny happy excellent person, he is generally really happy in the house but he is very lonely and has absolutely no self esteem left. I just wish I could do something for him as he thinks he's dumb and will never get an education no matter how much I tell him he is super smart. It's just been one of those weeks where it seems a bit harder than usual. ANY ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated thank you
hi there,
No advice but I can tell you about the transformation in my 15YO autistic daughter. A year ago and earlier she was extremely anxious most of the time. She was locking herself in the bathroom and not going to school. She was refusing to talk to anyone. She was hardly eating anything. She didn't have any friends. If she wasn't in the bathroom she was in her room and wouldn't allow the door to be opened. If anyone tried to talk to her from outside her bedroom she would not speak. If anyone tried to open her door she would scream at us to get out. At least she is still alive I sometimes thought. If she went to school we learned that she would hide in toilets at lunch and break times and not eat. She would be exhausted from masking when she came home.
today she goes to school every school day. She is very smart and was predicted to do well in her GCSEs but is doing even better than predicted in her mock exams. School tell us she now has a reliable group of friends. She gets on the bus by herself on Saturdays to go and meet her friends in town and comes back on the bus. She is talking to both her parents and playing nicely with her younger brother. She is coming with us on family trips to see wider family and on holidays and participating in group activities. She is eating normally.
previous to an epiphany about a year ago I was acting out delusional narcissism under the false assumption that if my children don't shape up it will be a disaster for all of us. My whole being was subconsciously conveying the message to my daughter that if you don't do this, that and the other, then you will not be good enough, and I will reject you. This created a panic loop and both of us were having our own form of breakdown.
The epiphany is to realize that my daughter is perfect no matter what. There are and never will be any conditions to my loving her. I no longer need her to be anything or do anything in particular. Whatever she decides to do and become is absolutely perfect as is everything in the universe. I meditate for at least an hour every morning before I get up on compassionate and unconditional positive regard for all my children. I have turned myself into a secure attachment for her that I never was before.
Hope this helps
Ashley