Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone anyone  just thought I'd come on and see if anyone had any advice. My 14 year old son was eventually diagnosed with autism last summer. We have had such a struggle for years trying to attend school and it has put so much pressure on him. He was being sick and stuck on the toilet most mornings and if he did manage to school would hide anywhere he could be alone. Finally he had enough and hasn't been to school in about 2 years. I really suspect he has selective mutism as he cant speak in school and has struggles to say more than a quick yes or no to anyone we've had contact with. He can't even speak to me if there is someone in sight. So currently he doesn't leave the house except for a nice dog walk. We were recently referred to a very nice councillor who has came out to the house a few times and my son has done amazingly well to come downstairs and sit although it was soo hard to get him down he had a meltdown before the councillor came and it gets harder everytime, last week he told me to phone the mental health department which we have been on a waiting list for almost a year to help with stress and anxiety but when I did the clinician said he shouldn't go on it because of his autism, Instead I was to phone the school about autism outreach and work with the councillor. So I phoned the school who told me they don't think he will be able to engage with outreach as it's 45 mins on the bus to a group setting. And the only thing they can offer is home tuition next year. He is such a funny happy excellent person, he is generally really happy in the house but he is very lonely and has absolutely no self esteem left. I just wish I could do something for him as he thinks he's dumb and will never get an education no matter how much I tell him he is super smart. It's just been one of those weeks where it seems a bit harder than usual. ANY ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated thank you
hi there,
No advice but I can tell you about the transformation in my 15YO autistic daughter. A year ago and earlier she was extremely anxious most of the time. She was locking herself in the bathroom and not going to school. She was refusing to talk to anyone. She was hardly eating anything. She didn't have any friends. If she wasn't in the bathroom she was in her room and wouldn't allow the door to be opened. If anyone tried to talk to her from outside her bedroom she would not speak. If anyone tried to open her door she would scream at us to get out. At least she is still alive I sometimes thought. If she went to school we learned that she would hide in toilets at lunch and break times and not eat. She would be exhausted from masking when she came home.
today she goes to school every school day. She is very smart and was predicted to do well in her GCSEs but is doing even better than predicted in her mock exams. School tell us she now has a reliable group of friends. She gets on the bus by herself on Saturdays to go and meet her friends in town and comes back on the bus. She is talking to both her parents and playing nicely with her younger brother. She is coming with us on family trips to see wider family and on holidays and participating in group activities. She is eating normally.
previous to an epiphany about a year ago I was acting out delusional narcissism under the false assumption that if my children don't shape up it will be a disaster for all of us. My whole being was subconsciously conveying the message to my daughter that if you don't do this, that and the other, then you will not be good enough, and I will reject you. This created a panic loop and both of us were having our own form of breakdown.
The epiphany is to realize that my daughter is perfect no matter what. There are and never will be any conditions to my loving her. I no longer need her to be anything or do anything in particular. Whatever she decides to do and become is absolutely perfect as is everything in the universe. I meditate for at least an hour every morning before I get up on compassionate and unconditional positive regard for all my children. I have turned myself into a secure attachment for her that I never was before.
Hope this helps
Ashley
Morning. Can't give you much advise i'm afraid but hopefully can give you support.
My 16 year old daughter was diagnosed ASD /ADHD around two years ago. Her school attendance has plummeted. But the thing to remember is that school is just one avenue, at one time, in their lives. Your son is smart but school just isn't suited to him. When he is ready, and there is no rush, he will find his tribe, his way forward, and if that requires qualifications, he has his whole life to attain them.
See if you can get him to join any groups with other likeminded young people.... virtual groups or in person. In Warwickshire there is a big network of children who are home educated and the often get together to study various subjects or just for days out. Many of them are neurodiverse.
Focus on his passions and strengths and follow his lead. My daughter was in burnout before she got diagnosed and things were just awfully scary, for her and for the rest of the family as we didn't understand what was going on as like your son, she is a bright kid. Now we know, we know the school environment is so wrong for her, and many others, that it's just not going to work. She only goes in when she feels she can as she gets overwhelmed with anxiety and hates school.
I've learnt to, and it hasn't been easy, accept that she will be following her own path in her own time... and that's ok. It really is ok, I'd take a happy healthy child with less qualifications than one traumatised by the whole education system. It has taken a while though for us to get to the more relaxed state that we are in though and we still have blips and panics.
Hang on in there. You've got this mama and your son will get through this 'school stage', and build his confidence back up by focusing on things he enjoys. My daughter's thing is dancing...
oh by the way I'm late diagnosed AUDHD (54), my path has been a very varied one over the years and I finally did a degree aged 35. Access courses are great for mature students who want to study with other mature people who are very supportive of one another... it's never too late to get some qualifications if he ever wants to. It's never too late and there isn't any rush. He doesn't have to be a sheep following the heard, he can be him and do things his way. Xx
No advice as currently only just beginning to navigate the journey with my daughter but wanted to acknowledge your struggle today as I too have had a battle and tomorrow is another day x