Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, please forgive me if I don't use the right terminology but I am trying. My 14 year old son is not clinically diagnosed but I am in a conversation with the school about it. He doesn't want a formal label and I can understand that. Anyway, he seems to go through phases where he gets a lot of detentions and he says he does not know why. During this phase, he will often be very moody. He gets into a cycle where if a teacher issues a detention, he is convinced the teacher "hates" him, and he then disengages from the lesson and is more likely to get a detention again. It's never for anything really serious - usually not following instructions, not listening, being repeatedly disruptive through talking. I have explained to the school that although I know they have rules, he tends to go on a downward spiral once the detentions start. He is a clever lad and after a few months in high school he began to make some nice friends, but I think sometimes they disengage with him because they sometimes see him as a bit naughty. He has an OCD issue that is really impacting on his daily life and he regularly tells me and others, including his friends, that I don't love him or care about him. This often stems from me saying no to him about something or trying to get him to do his homework or just generally stuff that he doesn't want to do. I think there is an element of PDA and I try to phrase and approach things differently so he isn't overwhelmed by requests but everyday life is full of them. Does anyone have any advice for the best approach to trying to tackle the behaviour that leads to detentions and to support him through what might be anxiety? I am not sure what I am asking really. It's just that at the moment everything is a bit fraught.
You need to get him that diagnosis. While you can respect him not wanting a label, that label is what gets him the help. Also you are his parent, so the buck ends with you. Put him through the process now and get him to engage with the help he receives. If not, he may become the 15 year old version of me, that went to school and absconded every day, preferring the main library in the city to school.
I had a school support worker that always knew where he could find me if I wasn't at school, usually sat in the science area of the library reading advanced chemistry or physics books. I found school intolerably boring. They put me in the dumb groups because I didn't do any work and i had detention by the 100's, then one day I stopped bothering going to detention because I realised there was nothing they could do to force me to go to them, since all you had to do was whisper the word assault and then it was a police matter. At that point the school gave up. I was too smart for my own good. But saying that I still passed my core GCSE's without any study and not being at school for my entire 5th year. Then it went really wrong after that.
You don't want your son to go down this rabbit hole. Get him the help now and he at least has a chance of getting through. If he needs to see a counsellor or have CBT, then get that sorted out for him. Basically get him diagnosed and get all the support in place now, before he goes hardcore into the GCSE and FE stage. Once you get past GCSE it get's really hard if you stay at school, less hard if you do your A Levels at college. Then comes University, which is about as stressful as it gets.