My 14 year old son keeps getting detentions and he doesn't know why

You need to get him that diagnosis.  While you can respect him not wanting a label, that label is what gets him the help.  Also you are his parent, so the buck ends with you.  Put him through the process now and get him to engage with the help he receives.  If not, he may become the 15 year old version of me, that went to school and absconded every day, preferring the main library in the city to school. 

I had a school support worker that always knew where he could find me if I wasn't at school, usually sat in the science area of the library reading advanced chemistry or physics books.  I found school intolerably boring.  They put me in the dumb groups because I didn't do any work and i had detention by the 100's, then one day I stopped bothering going to detention because I realised there was nothing they could do to force me to go to them, since all you had to do was whisper the word assault and then it was a police matter. At that point the school gave up.  I was too smart for my own good.  But saying that I still passed my core GCSE's without any study and not being at school for my entire 5th year.  Then it went really wrong after that.

You don't want your son to go down this rabbit hole.  Get him the help now and he at least has a chance of getting through.  If he needs to see a counsellor or have CBT, then get that sorted out for him.  Basically get him diagnosed and get all the support in place now, before he goes hardcore into the GCSE and FE stage.  Once you get past GCSE it get's really hard if you stay at school, less hard if you do your A Levels at college.  Then comes University, which is about as stressful as it gets.

As others have said, the school system is far from ideal for autistic people. When I was in high school, I ended up being kicked out of a third of my classes because the environment was just not ideal for me. Teachers didn't have time to help me understand when they had an entire class to teach. The school would assign learning assistants who would invade my personal space and prod me to make sure I was paying attention, which only made me shut down harder. I barely made it through my exams, and hated every minute of the school experience.

Then I went to college, and it was like night and day. I chose what I studied. My education was in my hands, and not being forced upon me by adults that didn't understand my needs. And when the people around you are all equally as focused on their study, because they're actually working toward their own specific goals? It's a much more comfortable environment.

But banking on your son having good college experiences isn't much help to you now. For him, school isn't a place to learn. It doesn't suit his needs. Try to work with him to make up the difference outside of school. He needs to learn how to study on his own time, so he can learn exactly what his needs are and how he works, as an autistic person.

I responded with the law and guidance. If the school and/or LA refuse to implement the guidance, there is a complaints process all the way to SENDIST and higher courts. In reality you are right of course ... schools are underfunded. The LEA where I am a governor is overspent on their SEND budget by about £2m. My point was a factual one, the school <is> "obliged" (legally required) to meet special needs. They are also required by law to produce a balanced budget. The two are often incompatible, and the accountants win. Just because there is a legal right does not mean that there is a remedy ... the law is hedged around with "where reasonable practicable " and so on.

As a 15 year old myself, being overwhelmed by stuff and no one helping makes it harder, trying to understand what he’s going through and sitting him down and talking to him and making him feel like he’s not alone  will help a lot. I was just diagnosed today, but It makes me feel a lot better when I feel like I have someone on my side and some one there to comfort me when I’m down, I’m in foster care so I have a lot of adults in my life, that only see certain parts of me and not the rest, so for someone to see not only good part s, but also bad parts, helps I promise.

Does that happen in the real world? I think that the absence of a clinical diagnosis would tend to result in requests being minimally addressed. Many schools are financially constrained, so that even children with diagnoses receive little in the way of useful accommodations and focused help.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria can be a common trait of ADHD especially in young adults who are hormonal and developing. Perhaps it may be something you could look into if he is showing combined adhd-asd traits. ADHD can be inward as well as outward compulsivity and inattentive behaviours. If he is disruptive in class and has no control of compulsion this may be another sign he may have other comorbid traits . I hope this helps your son on his journey!

With respect, you are mistaken. If you read the SEND Code of Practice you will see that pupils DO NOT need a diagnosis to qualify for help. This is /statutory/ guidance under the Children and Families Act 2014.

" 1.17 A child’s parents, young people, schools and colleges have specific rights to request
a needs assessment for an EHC plan and children and their parents and young
people should feel able to tell their school or college if they believe they have or may
have SEN. " 

"6.14 All schools should have a clear approach to identifying and responding to SEN. The
benefits of early identification are widely recognised – identifying need at the earliest
point and then making effective provision improves long-term outcomes for the child
or young person.

6.15 A pupil has SEN where their learning difficulty or disability calls for special
educational provision, namely provision different from or additional to that normally
available to pupils of the same age. Making higher quality teaching normally
available to the whole class is likely to mean that fewer pupils will require such support. Such improvements in whole-class provision tend to be more cost effective and sustainable.

6.16 Schools should assess each pupil’s current skills and levels of attainment on entry,
building on information from previous settings and key stages where appropriate. At
the same time, schools should consider evidence that a pupil may have a disability
under the Equality Act 2010 and, if so, what reasonable adjustments may need to be
made for them.
6.17 Class and subject teachers, supported by the senior leadership team, should make
regular assessments of progress for all pupils. These should seek to identify pupils
making less than expected progress given their age and individual circumstances...."

Reference : Special educational needs and disability code of practice: 0 to 25 years
Statutory guidance for organisations which work with and support children. Department for Education, January 2015 [/assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7dcb85ed915d2ac884d995/SEND_Code_of_Practice_January_2015.pdf]

Don't be misled by what the school may tell you ... read the statutory guidance. The school /must/ follow the guidance because it is the law. No excuses.

OK let's deal with the reasons he had detentions first

1) not following instructions: He may not have understood instructions in the way that Allistic (non-autistic) poeple would. For example the answer to " Will you sit down" is logically yes but with no understanding that they mean "sit down". Also he may not understand why he is being told to do something. Thus, saying "sit down so we can get on with the lesson without further ditraction" would be better. As Autistic poeple we find the idea of respecting someone just because of their status is difficult. We see everyone as our equal or we may even look down on a teacher we see as an idiot and may be honest enough to say so. Thd problem is worse with teachers who may have gone into teaching for status

2) not listening: As Autistic poeple we may not show in our face or movement that we are listening. Perhaps teach him to act as if he is listening. This is part of masking.

3) being repeatedly disruptive through talking: Autistic poeple do tend to talk too much. We also write too much so perhaps I had better stop there.

One last comment though. I used to get angry that I was not understood and thought others should change to accommodate me. In an ideal world Autistic poeple would be better understood and valued. Until then we have to play the game of fitting in with the Allistic majority and work to appear Allistic.  It is incredibly tiring and frustrating though so we cannot keep it up for long. It is why Autistic children can be so disruptive at home. Give your child time to themselves especially after school or other big, noisy and busy events. Let them go to a quiet restful  space where they can control their environment. 

Hope this helps. Also if I am wrong please say so but please speak plainly. I am not good at hints, intimations etc.

Ian said:

Say you suspect ASD, ADHD or whatever, explain your reasons and ask for an assessment of his Special Education Needs.

As you say, one can ask. However, without a diagnosis the school can ignore a request and still be within the law. A formal diagnosis constrains the school to respond to a considerable degree.

Strictly speaking, the parent doesn't need a "clinical diagnosis" to get help for their son. If they can establish that he has additional learning needs that should be sufficient. Say you suspect ASD, ADHD or whatever, explain your reasons and ask for an assessment of his Special Education Needs.

Back in the dark ages when I was at school,we were supposed to get three subjects' homework that lasted about 45 minutes per subject. After I had been working for an hour or more, Mum wrote in my exercise book that I had spent an hour and she had stopped me, please contact her if they had a problem. It only happened once or twice, and the teachers accepted it. That was before schools were tasked with being aware of mental health. These days schools should have a staff member whose responsibilities cover well-being and mental health ... ask to talk to that person, and explain your son is stressed and you suspect that he is neurodivergent, not lazy.

There is recent guidance that governing bodies should appoint a link governor with responsibility for well-being and mental health. (It is on GovernorHub). If your SENCo or mental health lead do not deliver, you can raise it with the Head Teacher. If that doesn't work you can ask for contact details for the named governor for well-being or SEND.

Disclaimer: In line with forum policy, this is general information, not advice on what to do in your particular case. If you need advice, contact the NAS advice line or another education advice service, or your local education authority's parent support service (contactable through the SEN team if not listed on the council web site). Good luck!

He sounds like me when i was about 14 at school. I became disruptive in class and i would be asked to leave class, and i got regular detention. Sometimes i had friends but i was also on my own a lot. This led to a lot of truant. I didnt know what was going on with me, it was a horrible time. I then refused to go to school for my mum. I wasnt naughty as such, but i didnt understand and couldnt explain why. What would have helped me? I dont know really. Comfort, support and understanding may have helped. I was also quite clever but failed at a lot of subjects as a result. I came out of this period ok i suppose. It now turns out that i may have ADHD aswell as being autistic. I remember it being a confusing time. X

welcome to my world. my autistic son will be 10 in a few weeks and getting him to school and keeping him out of trouble can be difficult. Things are improving since I have made it my mission to ally with him and be resolutely on his side. I spend a lot more time listening to him than I did and I always find a way to agree with him. I am always sending him the message that everyone likes him. He is making big improvements and is a lot calmer these days and due to being calm he is less trouble and has more friends and is more realistic about the perception others have of him. 

Yes, indeed.

Without a 'label' - a clinical diagnosis - the school is not required to do anything at all to accommodate your son. With a diagnosis the school is legally obliged to make 'reasonable accommodations'.

A label would just put your son in the company of most of the tech multibillionaires, plus many creative people and scientists.

I did write to his tutor to explain that he is stressed out and that piling on criticism and detentions only seems to be making it worse.  If anyone could give me any practical tips for helping him not get as stressed, that would be great.  Everyone is different but if there are any strategies for his age group dealing with classroom environments, homework, school rules etc.  I have read up a lot but am interested to hear any tips.

Thank you so much.  It's really helpful to be reminded how hard he must be finding it.  I try to understand but I know I don't. He likes going to school to see his friends and I don't think he is being bullied (but I don't know for sure as he could be masking it) but I think I underestimate how difficult it is for him.  I am not sure what you mean about the miracles.  Anyway, thank you again for your reply.

 I understand your frustrations but schools give children too much homework, the school system isn't designed for Autistic people, he's stressed out. I never finished school, I couldn't cope with it. I was very clever but bullying made my life hell. Maybe he has problems he can't talk to you about or is scared to talk to you about. Expect miracles. Miracles happen every day,