Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, please forgive me if I don't use the right terminology but I am trying. My 14 year old son is not clinically diagnosed but I am in a conversation with the school about it. He doesn't want a formal label and I can understand that. Anyway, he seems to go through phases where he gets a lot of detentions and he says he does not know why. During this phase, he will often be very moody. He gets into a cycle where if a teacher issues a detention, he is convinced the teacher "hates" him, and he then disengages from the lesson and is more likely to get a detention again. It's never for anything really serious - usually not following instructions, not listening, being repeatedly disruptive through talking. I have explained to the school that although I know they have rules, he tends to go on a downward spiral once the detentions start. He is a clever lad and after a few months in high school he began to make some nice friends, but I think sometimes they disengage with him because they sometimes see him as a bit naughty. He has an OCD issue that is really impacting on his daily life and he regularly tells me and others, including his friends, that I don't love him or care about him. This often stems from me saying no to him about something or trying to get him to do his homework or just generally stuff that he doesn't want to do. I think there is an element of PDA and I try to phrase and approach things differently so he isn't overwhelmed by requests but everyday life is full of them. Does anyone have any advice for the best approach to trying to tackle the behaviour that leads to detentions and to support him through what might be anxiety? I am not sure what I am asking really. It's just that at the moment everything is a bit fraught.
OK let's deal with the reasons he had detentions first
1) not following instructions: He may not have understood instructions in the way that Allistic (non-autistic) poeple would. For example the answer to " Will you sit down" is logically yes but with no understanding that they mean "sit down". Also he may not understand why he is being told to do something. Thus, saying "sit down so we can get on with the lesson without further ditraction" would be better. As Autistic poeple we find the idea of respecting someone just because of their status is difficult. We see everyone as our equal or we may even look down on a teacher we see as an idiot and may be honest enough to say so. Thd problem is worse with teachers who may have gone into teaching for status
2) not listening: As Autistic poeple we may not show in our face or movement that we are listening. Perhaps teach him to act as if he is listening. This is part of masking.
3) being repeatedly disruptive through talking: Autistic poeple do tend to talk too much. We also write too much so perhaps I had better stop there.
One last comment though. I used to get angry that I was not understood and thought others should change to accommodate me. In an ideal world Autistic poeple would be better understood and valued. Until then we have to play the game of fitting in with the Allistic majority and work to appear Allistic. It is incredibly tiring and frustrating though so we cannot keep it up for long. It is why Autistic children can be so disruptive at home. Give your child time to themselves especially after school or other big, noisy and busy events. Let them go to a quiet restful space where they can control their environment.
Hope this helps. Also if I am wrong please say so but please speak plainly. I am not good at hints, intimations etc.